Bedroom Stories: Why I Stopped Chasing Hot Guys

Disclaimer: All views are my own . Please don’t take this as professional advice as it’s based purely on my observations. When it comes to ‘attractiveness’ there are always discrepancies and individual preferences. The objective of this post is not to generalize but to provide a different insight from a female perspective.

As a single woman in her early 20s, I went through a phase where I sought out the most conventionally attractive guys on Tinder, or “in the wild.” Smouldering looks, sculpted jawlines, and abs you could grate a block of cheese on. I thought I was hot shit because I somehow ended up in their bedrooms. Little did I know I was in for a hard lesson. 

So many years later, I finally had time to process what happened during that period and ended up with a much-needed reality check. Although it’s been harsh to confront certain truths, it’s also been surprisingly liberating. I wish I didn’t waste so much time in my 20s, deliberating “Why not me?” I hope more women can be honest with themselves, especially in a female empowerment culture that prioritizes coddling and white lies. It might just be the key to finding truth, authentic love.

If you’re drop-dead gorgeous and extremely successful, this isn’t the article for you 😂 Go get them, tiger!

You are “Pretty”, to an Extent…

It’s hard to tell yourself you’re not as attractive as the person standing in front of you. And for a while, I chased a certain image because I felt like if I could “get” with them, I too, was somehow more attractive. 

The reality is, God gave you a specific face, body, and personality. You can only go so far as to change your physical appearance without surgical enhancements. If you’re introverted and a book nerd, you can only go so far as to pretend being the life of the party.

Here is the truth. Men across the board are generally not very selective when it comes to sex. The top 10% of men, who have the looks AND material success, tend to be extremely selective with who they date. Why settle for one person when 90% of the female population will happily sleep with you?

For women, this is a little different. Whether you’re a Plain Jane or a supermodel, we have basic standards regarding who we let in between our legs. Attractiveness, personality, and status play a part. In all regards, we’re usually known to be more selective. From a biological and evolutionary standpoint, women have more to lose when submitting to a sexual interaction. We put ourselves at risk for pregnancy and are the ones incubating a child for 9 months, not men! The men we choose as mates will become responsible for that child’s well-being and success.

---

One day, I was going through my Tinder and routine left-swiping on all the guys I didn’t find attractive. Then popped up this beauty of a man with the title DR. in front of his name. Ripped, tan, and a little sexy scruffy face. Never in a million years would I think they would swipe right on me, and his IG checked out.

When he landed in my Matched inbox, I thought I had won the lottery. I remember screenshotting his picture and sending it to friends with “OMG.” We started chatting casually until we decided to meet up one night. Despite being a professor, online, he was a pretty easy-going, not-so-serious character.

I distinctly remember the Uber ride home from leaving that hookup with, let’s call him Mr.PhD. Though he was fairly attractive with his advanced degrees, 8-pack, tanned olive skin, and dark tousled hair, he was also shorter in person. After the deed was done, I decided that night, I was finished seeking out these devastatingly beautiful men. It wasn’t like the sex was bad, it was only because I left with the question….

“That’s it?”

In the back of my mind, I knew I could probably “get with” the entire market of guys just like him.

It wasn’t because I wasn’t beautiful but I would never be beautiful enough for them. I could never quench the desire these men had to be intimate with an infinite number of women.

And that was okay. I was ready to pack my bags and leave this version of myself behind. Say goodbye to her, like I have with many other versions of myself. Of course, the last text I ever got from that guy was whether I had ever had a threesome 👀 Figures, *eyeroll. 

Bonus: Guys that look crazy on Instagram, are ALWAYS less attractive in real life or shorter hehe. I’m just gonna leave it there. Not like I have anything against short kings:) But I always think if you’re putting so much effort into your image on a dating app, must be hiding/ compensating for something.

This is the Consequence of Hooking up with Really Attractive Guys

Expectation, expectation, expectation. I cannot stress this point enough. If one year for Christmas you got a Chanel bag, your expectations for future Christmas gifts will be that much higher. Your baseline expectation moves up, and when the reality doesn’t meet your expectation, you feel what? Disappointed.

This is probably the worst consequence of hooking up with beautiful people. It makes it harder for women to have a realistic, unbiased opinion of how attractive they are, relative to the market as a whole. Back in the day, this might have been easier for average-looking women, but with the introduction of the apps, men have a way wider purview of how many attractive, beautiful women there are in the world. They don’t even have to be in the same city!

Remember, based on what I just said, guys generally don’t have the same level of scrutiny when it comes to sex. Really attractive guys are probably not going to hook up with anything below a 5, but they may consider a 7 or 8. Do not come after me for using numerical scales to judge objective attractiveness, the whole point of ‘objective’ is to be objective. Objective means measurable and quantifiable.

Here’s the thing: Really hot guys aren’t the ones approaching girls at the bars. They are probably the one getting approached. Why? Well, they simply don’t need to unless they have a sex habit/problem. And who is more likely to approach them at bars? Drunk, 6-8 girls. Similarly, really hot girls won’t be approaching any guys, and they will probably end up getting approached (or harassed) by average -looking men who have a habit of going out on the prowl. So my point here is if you find yourself one night schmoozing with a really attractive guy, it probably isn’t because you’re super special, but because you’re the best choice out of his options that night. His options are like an endless revolving door.

Girls, including myself, reminisce over the days or sometimes, just that ONE TIME they’ve ‘been’ with a really attractive guy. 9/10 times the girl in question DID NOT formally date this guy. May have been a one-night stand, a few hookups, or a situationship. And it’s really hard not to compare when you’ve had that frame of reference, ESPECIALLY if the sex was really freaking good. The deadliest combo is an insanely attractive guy + amazing sex. Now you have two factors you can compare future potential relationships against.

Conversely, it’s quite easy to forget a beautiful man with mediocre/boring sex. My best advice to get out of this rut is to get out of the dating apps and bars. Go on a cleanse girly, cuz you need it. You need some time to reset your expectations, be with yourself, and realign with what you truly desire.

If it’s to be loved and valued, you’re not going to find it in these casual relationships. I know it feels good to feel seen by someone you admire. But trust me, it feels way better to have that love reciprocated. Don’t let your fixation on the superficial things stop you from finding an authentic partnership.

I had to go through a “hoe” phase to realize this myself, so I have no judgment for the ladies who can get it any day of the week. I just warn you it’s not a long-term solution to the loneliness/emptiness/lack of self-esteem you feel.

Tips for Single Women with Average to Slightly Above-Average Looks 

This is coming from a *very slightly above-average-looking girl. I only have two: 

Don’t seek out hot men on Tinder or when You’re inebriated. Why?

#1. Ok, so Tinder. Guys are already generally not serious on Tinder. The hot, 1% of guys, are definitely not looking for commitment. So though it’s easy for you to swipe right on these men, it’s just as easy for them to mindlessly swipe right on you. Mark my words. They will fuck you and ghost you. Maybe you will get into a months-long situationship with them, nevertheless, the ending is always the same. They will leave. 

Why waste your time if that’s not what you’re looking for? Even if you think having fun, casual sex is what you’re all about, you can’t fight your inner desires sometimes. Women tend to ‘catch feelings’ or become more emotionally involved when they get intimate with someone. You might not feel it after a one-night stand, but if it turns into a year-long extravaganza, what then? I know there are some women out there in 3-year situationships because they can’t let go of the fantasy that one day, he will turn around and want something different.

#2. So you’ve had a couple of espresso martinis and someone is feeling emboldened tonight. It’s tempting to walk up to that stalking broad and introduce yourself; do something wildly out of character. Chances are, if this guy is not married, he will entertain you. He might buy you a drink, which might lead to more talking and dancing. Then you guys hook up and after you leave, that’s all you’re ever going to be. A random Tuesday hookup.  Sure you may be able to brag about it for a week, but when all is done, that man will become nothing but a distant memory, and you’ll fade into the abyss of all his other mindless hookups. Was it really worth it?  Was the sex even that good? (Doubt it). Why put yourself in danger of getting in any way, emotionally attached to someone who will never give you a chance? 

If you stay away from these two scenarios, it is more likely you’ll be able to avoid these unfortunate outcomes. Don’t delude yourself with the help of liquid courage or dating apps where you’re just one fish out of the sea.

Snuff out the FBoys 

There are soooo many f-boys out there, or just guys looking for a good time, no commitment. Dating apps are their territory, which makes it harder for women looking for commitment. I have no issue with f-boys if they make it clear in the beginning and follow up with their actions. What is most irksome are guys who claim to want nothing serious, but will dangle carrots in front of us like spontaneous dinner dates, multiple-day sleepovers, breakfast in bed, and lots of texting for no good reason.

The only way you’re gonna snuff out an Fboy is if you cut off the supply of what they are looking for. I used to think the whole “Don’t sleep with someone on the first date” to be outdated and sexist, but now I see it as 100% VALID. All my successful relationships, DID NOT start with a hookup. Men love the chase and for some, this is all they live for. The high of getting someone out of their league, and then after achieving it like a level on a video game, they move on to the next level. 

If you find a guy incredibly attractive, it will be hard to resist. But if you want a chance, do not hop into bed with them within the first month of meeting them. Real f-boys will eventually sniff out that you’re not game for their game, and will disappear off the map pretty quickly. One time, this guy I was casually talking to sent me an inappropriate video of himself, and I responded with utter boredom. He blocked me right after lol.

If a man is really serious about you, he can wait longer than a month to sleep with you. This is the type of guy who is genuinely more invested in your personality than your body.

I’m so passionate about how your beliefs and psychology can change after casual dating that I wrote my first short book on it called Here’s Your Sign to Stop Being a Fuckboy. I recommend giving that a whirl if you enjoyed this post.

Self-love ≄ Self Delusion

2024 was the year of delulu. And though it’s a fun catchphrase, it implies that we must live in a false reality to get what we want. This cannot be further from the truth. Deluding ourselves in the dating world can be a dangerous game. You can save yourself a lot of humiliation and heartbreak, by not being self-deluded or self-indulgent. Of course, your friends think you’re amazing and beautiful, they’re your friends… And sometimes friends will simply support your delusions over men because they don’t want to hurt your feelings.

Well in 2025, we are in our unhinged honest era.  Your best chance at a romantic relationship is not with the guy who doesn’t know you exist or doesn’t look directly at you in a room full of people. It’s not the ‘hot’ guy who will never want to go out in public with you. It’s not an avoidant guy who never makes time for you unless it involves his bedroom.

---

It’s the guy, who looks for you in a crowded room. 

It’s the guy who lightly touches your hand and arm when he speaks to you.

It’s the guy who drives you home late at night and doesn’t come up.

It’s the guy who pays attention to your interests and favorite foods.

It’s the guy who is equal to or slightly less attractive than you.

It’s the guy who wants to make plans.

---

When we think someone is super hot and conventionally attractive, just know there’s a flock of women probably thinking the same thing. The competition is much higher for a man who thinks it’s in his best interest not to commit. But for whatever reason, when women have their sights set on someone, they’ll use any excuse to delude themselves that they have a chance. This is not a way to live. You can’t deceive and love yourself at the same time.

So, choose better. Choose to be truthful with yourself, even when it’s painful to do so. When something doesn’t feel right in a new relationship, be curious and ask questions. Get to the bottom of the truth, because sometimes it’s not given as easily. Have the self-restraint to not approach someone, who you know is way out of your league. And when that little voice in the back of your head tells you he’s seeing other people, listen.

A world with rose-colored glasses on feels comfortable, only until they break and shatter; all you’re left with is cruel reality. It’s unrealistic to ask you to never make mistakes or to never experience this type of heartbreak. But I hope this helps you get out of whatever intoxicating cycle you seem to be caught in. The chase is only fun until you run yourself into a painful injury.