Leaving my Job with No Plan B

(Note: This was written between April and May 2024.)

I am leaving my job. And no, I am not burnt out. I’m just done.

Working for someone is not far different than dating. You know pretty early on whether or not this is going to work out in the long run. I don’t remember whether it was month three or six; they all seemed to blend together like an abstract painting, but I woke up in the morning knowing what I was about to do, wasn’t it.

Yet, I stayed.  We all have bills to pay, and our high-end condo wasn’t going to pay for itself. Importantly, I believed if I waited it out, things would get better—one day I would wake up and feel different, perhaps even content. I’m glad I stayed. Don’t get me wrong, this job has benefited me more than any other prior job. It’s given me financial stability, a good title, great co-workers, and the first ever “nice boss.”

But when your mind is no longer expanding, you might as well be dead. I wrestled back and forth with quitting but feared the financial repercussions, and the perceived judgment from others, heck, I don’t even know what to say to my boss.

“Hey, I’m leaving because I want to take a short break because I’m so exhausted from spending three-quarters of my day working somewhere where I’m not happy and I am tired of being miserably tired and depressed.”

Whoof.

It’s a blunt-edged blade. Like an ex-boyfriend that’s done everything seemingly right, but you’re just not feeling the love anymore.

I had to make a decision. I could continue dragging my feet through the mud and pretend it was going to get better, or I could leave and live on my savings until I found a better opportunity.

Just because my job is a dead end, doesn’t mean my life has to be.

My Greatest Fear

I didn’t know what my greatest fear was until I had to live through it. I know previously I’ve boasted about living on $10 a day, but truthfully, that was NOT mentally healthy nor sustainable. A dollar fluctuation in price played a role in my daily decisions. To give you an example, as I’m writing this I am sitting in a charming Downtown hotel bar, sipping a glass of red wine on plush, navy blue chairs. Directly in my vision, is an opulent, arched-shaped bar with brass finishings and cabinetry displaying various Italian and American liquors. The wallpaper is lined with oriental birds.

I started frequenting this bar two summers ago and during their happy hour, when they used to have a stellar deal of $5 wines and $10 pizzas. I remember the day they changed their prices I was devastated. I felt constantly strangulated by the dwindling number in my bank account. 

My great fear of quitting is returning to that point of scarcity. If I live frugally, realistically I have an eight-month runway. This should be more than enough time to get my boots on the ground. When I got my first “big girl job”, I set strict parameters for myself. I saved more than 30% of my income every month and saved towards an annual goal. Anything in addition, I splurged on something I wanted like a vacation or Airpod Maxes. If I left my job with no plan B, there wouldn’t be savings for a couple of months. I still had a couple of travel plans coming up which were going to cost a fair amount.  I guess I am fearful of living more restricted than I currently am. I like the fact I can confidently go out for dinner without tallying up the costs beforehand. But I’m going to be honest with you, on my salary I can’t even afford doing a full haul at the grocery store! I generally pick up a few things during the week if I need them, and my partner takes care of the majority of our food expenses. Yes, this is a grown woman living on a supposedly “fair salary.”

So – do I have a lot to lose from leaving my job? Yes and no.

I lose the stability of a biweekly paycheck.

I lose “paid” vacation time.

I lose my extended health benefits.

I lose my ‘workplace friends’

I don’t lose the slight anxiety around buying non-necessities, because I have that regardless of what I make.

I don’t lose the opportunity to grow in my career.

I don’t lose my health and happiness.

I grew up in a culture where happiness took second place. Life isn’t supposed to be “good”, it’s supposed to be hard. Let’s push mental illness away in a closet and hope it never comes out. Money is supposed to be made and saved, and not spent. Yet, I’ve defied almost all of those rules. You think I can get away with it again?

Turning Down a Dream Salary

In Canada, it’s difficult to make six figures unless you have 8 -10 years of experience, or you’re self-employed. It’s not really the thriving economy that most people outside of Canada assume. Out of the blue, I received an offer for $90,000, and that’s not including bonuses. At first, the thought of making the most I’d ever made was exciting. But then I analyzed the situation and the role….

🧑🏻‍🤝‍🧑🏻 Very few employees –  Red flag.

⏰ Long hours, sometimes including weekends.

🧑‍💻🧑‍💻 2 jobs in one type of situation.

🏝️ No flexibility.

If you had asked me six months ago, I probably would have jumped the gun. But today, looking at the fragile shell that I’ve become, it’s hard to see myself lasting at a job like that for more than a few months. It wasn’t sustainable or desirable regardless of the pay. 

Frankly, I’m used to getting rejections and it’s the first time I had to reject an employer. Empowerment rose over the fear, as I chose to find peace in “missed” opportunities. Ironically, it seems like when I’ve seemingly hit rock bottom in terms of my mental health, opportunities are rising from left to right. But it takes discipline to say no, and courage to imagine a world where I get the best of both worlds. Where I don’t have to compromise my peace and happiness for money. I had to picture myself making even more than what they were offering. On my own terms.

When you should NOT leave your job

You count the hours until the day is done

You count the days before your next vacation.

You can barely get out of bed in the morning. 

There’s no sense of vitality left in your eyes.

Your friends and family worry but don’t know how to help you…

I know you because I was you. And I understand the strong urge to put an end to this, but I also feel responsible for warning you, of when you should not leave your job.

I consider myself very, very lucky that I have a partner who is doing financially ok, and in the worst scenario, can support me if needed.

I know not everyone has a partner or family who can support them if shit hits the fan.

You should not leave your job without another one lined up if:

• Do not have at least 4-6 months of savings to survive off. Even better, a year.
• Have outstanding debts.
• Have dependents.
• Need access to health insurance for chronic health issues.

Do not put yourself in a dangerous or too risky spot until you have some sort of buffer. This doesn’t mean giving up on the notion of getting out of your personal hell. It just means you will have to replace some of your downtime and social hours to search for new opportunities. 

Putting in an hour a day….

• In one month, you’ll have a filled spreadsheet with potential prospects and an updated resume.
• In two months, you’ll have applied to over 30 positions.
• In three months, you’ll start getting callbacks.

When we look at insurmountable tasks like finding a new job at face value, it can feel so overwhelming. The trick is to break it down into manageable chunks a day and reverse engineer the process. For example, based on my past experience, how many applications did it take to secure a job? Take that number and break it down by days and months. For example, if it took 100 applications to secure a job and if I did one application a day it would take 3 months to secure a job. If I did 3 applications a week, it would take 8 months to secure a job.

If you’re like me and have a nasty case of pigeon focus— finding a new job while working one that is already draining seems impossible. You get off on a good start, applying for jobs on your off time, but then lose motivation on month three. If you don’t have those limitations like chronic health issues, dependants, or lack of savings, then you can do what I did, which is just put in your notice. I ensured I had enough runway for about 8 months before I quit. And once I finally told my boss, it was like boulders had been lifted from my back. A twinkle started to come back into my eyes. My social anxiety started to melt away. I began to feel the old me coming back. And oh, how much I missed her.

Main Takeaways

I’ve already spewed a lot, so I’ll keep this short. The chances of having regret over quitting a job that beats the living shit out of you are very, very slim. I left my job in May and never looked back. Leaving my job had an almost immediate impact on my mental health, as well as leaving the chaos of downtown living. Plus, contrary to your worst nightmare of your boss being mad or spiteful, I had quite the opposite experience. Instead, I was met with compassion, grace, and the biggest bouquet of flowers I’ve ever seen. I was left with the message “I hope whatever it is you do, it brings you joy.”

I’ve lived a quiet, yet exciting life since then. Ushering in a new era of home ownership and all the minute stresses that come with that (ie. budgeting, furnishing, decorating…etc). Embracing the silence within the walls of my home, while contrasting that with the occasional rambunctious dinner party. When I took a vacation in May, for once, my thoughts were not clouded with “How I can improve X at work” on the dancefloor (yes, on the dancefloor). I finally had clarity and peace, which I hadn’t experienced in a long time. In June, I spent a dazzling week in the coastal part of Portugal, exploring the glittering Benagil claves, popping champagne on boats, dancing my heart out, and meeting new friends from all over the globe.

Though my income is near zero, I felt less stressed about money than when I was making $60k. Ironic isn’t it? There are new projects on the way, and of course, anticipated challenges. But the important thing is I feel more ready to take on those challenges because I have something I didn’t have before. A sense of peace and hopefulness.