Is it Anti-Feminist of Me to Want to Marry Rich?

One of the biggest narratives that have survived and traversed through time is of the poor girl meets handsome and rich “prince.” She is whisked into his extravagant world, and her life is forever changed. The prince is often a flawed, dark, or uncommitted being until he meets her and she ‘changes’ him… and they go on to live happily ever after.

There’s a reason why this motif is so popular, and yes, perhaps much of it’s conjured at some point by old white men sitting around a roundtable. But most people who subscribe to this fantasy are still women. It wasn’t an accident that “Fifty Shades of Grey”, an erotica series about a young, virgin woman who enters into a submissive/dominant contract with a handsome billionaire, sold gazillions of copies worldwide, with consumers being exclusively middle-aged women. Although we’d all like to classify ourselves as feminists these days, our consumption of media tells a different story. That we still desire a sort of hyper-masculine, wealthy, and powerful mate. 

But looking at these relationship dynamics throughout history also reflects the different roles that exist in relationships, that make them more complex and complete. When we look at the classic hero/heroine dynamic, the hero is out chasing the monsters and obtaining some type of goal. While accomplishing that goal, he undergoes significant character development amidst the hardships. He also meets the heroine, who is classically a “healer” or somebody who is inherently wise. Their role in the story becomes a critical piece in helping the hero accomplish the behemoth of a goal. Sometimes the entire focal point of the story is the hero trying to win the hand of his beloved. And although many may perceive this as inherently sexist and dehumanizing, you can also view it from the lens that the female character possesses so much magnetism and power, that it convinces the hero in the story to move mountains to obtain her love. Think Jay Gatsby and his green light. In some ways, the heroine is the hero’s kryptonite. Without her love and influence, he falls into despair and cannot manifest nor accomplish his greatest feats. The tragic medieval love story of Tristan and Isode features two lovers that traverse through weeks of forested adventures, while accidentally drinking a love potion and falling madly in love. But because Isolde is promised to Tristan’s uncle, he is forced to go into exile and spend the rest of his days with a wife he doesn’t truly love. He ends his journey on earth with a poison arrow in his heart, symbolic of both physical and metaphorical death from “heartbreak.”

I too grew up watching far too many televised dramas and movies that depicted the classic fairytale, just twisted and warped into different variations. The details of the story change, but the personalities and the way that the story unfolds always remain the same. And this story sold over and over again. I found myself occasionally flirting with the idea in my head, of what it would be like to wake up in a large mansion every day and feel like a real-life princess.

But of course, fairytales get stale after a certain time, especially as we grow up and put our feet out into the real world. Princes don’t really exist, and what we’re often left with during our adolescence and young adulthood is a pool of confused, lonely boys. Boys who are not ready, and will not be ready for years to commit to anything real. There’s also a healthy portion of these men who struggle with finances or lack a plan. As we mature as women, it’s normal to move on from fairytale good looks, to seek out character traits that make a man a good partner.

Is he willing to take responsibility for his family?

Is he loyal?

How peacefully can he resolve conflict?

Does he make you feel heard?

Does he have a sustainable/predictable financial future?

When I was dating in high school, I didn’t care about my boyfriend’s finances (sure, we can go 50/50). In fact, I was the only one in the relationship who started to work part-time. But as I dated or saw a platoon of men over the years, I discovered that removing that financial barrier simply gave a couple more space to work on other things in their relationship.  Oftentimes, the lack of financial safety is what causes the majority of fights or tension in relationships and marriages. I always knew if I had to fight about money in my marriage, I’d rather not be married at all. This is why when I get married, and when I have children depends on the financial status of my partner. Knowing what I know, this is a necessary precaution and a personal boundary. I for one, cannot raise a child at the moment on my own salary. Ideally, I’d want to take time off work to actually raise my kid, and not toss them at daycare as soon as they turn nine months old.

If these financial conditions have not been met, I’ve been very clear with my partner I was not going to have kids. In terms of my career, I also had to have a somewhat stable position, preferably senior management or above; a role I could safely resume when I decided to. It’s important for these major life decisions, you understand what you really want and need to feel happy and safe. And more importantly, you make these priorities known to your partner to understand if the two of you align on these. So many women go through life making compromises, only to regret them later on, or to harbor resentment towards their partner. Make yourself heard in the beginning; save yourself the heartache later.

False Security: Seek What You Lack

From as early as I could remember, I always felt like there was no one I could rely on, except myself. There was a heavy emphasis on academics in the environment I grew up in, and that meant strokes of discipline from an early age. Of course, the heaviest hand wasn’t from my parents who took a laissez-faire approach; it was from my own mind. Being independent became a virtue. Paradoxically, I always felt attracted to men who appeared to have more power, or at the minimum, could inspire me (career, finances, ambition..etc). Most of these men were ambitious and hardworking, but none of them were ready to provide. I became accustomed to this type of man; used to worrying about their financial state, and used to sacrificing my own personal joys to ‘fit’ their lifestyle. Similar to how my mother spent most of her adult life chasing after my dad’s financial decisions. I dated men who alluded to the concept of security but did not put that into practice. These men were typically older than me, sometimes ten years my senior, and made decent money. But even then, I would try to “contribute” my half, because I felt like that was the equitable thing to do. But in reality, it wasn’t at all. I oozed with confidence in real life, but when I fell for a guy, that was it. Self-sacrifice became the butter to my bread. And perhaps a lot of it was an overinflated sense of ego, a type of unnecessary virtue signaling on my end. These days, I don’t focus so much on how I can appear to be a good person; I more worry about how I can be good to myself. Because the better I am to myself, the more energy and often, financial resources I have to give to others. And it doesn’t become this tug-of-war of emotions and hard decisions.

Things Can Look Different

Once you start dating a man who can provide and create a consistent environment of safety, it’s hard to go back to anything else. In 2022, I had one of the most mentally and financially challenging years of my life. Luckily, my boyfriend was self-employed and just made enough to cover our rent and expenses. But those days were not a walk in the park for us as a couple. Finances can definitely put a strain on an otherwise, happy relationship. And I just thought to myself how nice it would be if money was never a concern. No strained conversations, bitterness, or short-lived fights about finances. I knew this concept was not so far-fetched. And to be honest, I saw many couples going about their lives, making $60-80k a year for the rest of their lives- and being satisfied with that level of comfort. But I knew those were the same couples that would always have to second guess vacations, take two years to plan one, skimp out on their weddings/honeymoons, and have monthly budgets. I saw a life full of restriction which was the opposite of the life I saw for myself.

Given that I wasn’t innately very financially driven in my career, I found myself with a partner who was. In a way, you could say two halves fit together. My partner and I both contributed to the stability in our relationship. He, obviously the financial, and I, mostly the emotional support and ‘invisible’ labor. I knew that without me in his life, his life looked bleaker, more depressing, and unbearable than usual. Everyone knows that the road to becoming successful is no pretty sight. And I bear witness to all the good days, bad days, and turbulence in his emotional states over his startup. When my partner started bringing in more money, our vacations became more extravagant, fun, and frequent. I saw the evident improvement in our quality of life, such as being able to afford $300 worth of organic groceries every week. What I loved the most was that my partner could spend money on the things that would make his life better without suffering any real financial consequences. He made enough to cover his bases and then some. This feeling of security, I don’t think words can describe it. I pursued this idealistic, independent, “boss-bitch” persona for most of my life. Only recently have I realized that there existed a parallel reality where I could potentially have everything I wanted in life, without having to become my own boss..or fight tooth and nail to get to the top.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m extremely comfortable with making my own money. In fact, without my own bank account and safety net, I feel like I would quite literally suffocate and coil under the heat of failure. Money buys freedom. And I’m not one to wait around for a man to “come do things with me.” I can take myself to exotic places, and buy myself flowers. Without my independent income-earning capacity, my freedom would live in exile.

Challenges in the Current Feminism Narrative

I think the current feminist narrative pushes young women to be “everything they can be without a man.” No, they have to be better (and do it in heels). In fact, more women graduate from higher education than men across the board. Concurrently, more women obtain Ph.Ds than their counterparts. However, let’s not kid ourselves, women still make, on average less than men (about 82 cents for every dollar a man makes). Women have an important biological role which sadly makes them vulnerable in the traditional workforce, and that is childbearing. Think about this scenario. Both Sally and John are equally qualified senior acquisition strategists and an opening has come up for the Head of Acquisitions in Asia for a corporate fashion brand. Sally happens to be in her first trimester. It’s not rocket science who the promotion goes to based on these circumstances. And in this story, it’s easy to wag fingers and feel sorry for Sally because she’s been “robbed”. But I for one think for every Sally who feels like she’s been robbed, there are nine more Sallys who are relieved to have an excuse to get out of the corporate hellhole. There’s Sally who wouldn’t mind taking a couple of years off to spend more time at home with the kids (and to nurse their pervasive burnout), and perhaps pursue other interesting side hustles that are more manageable from home, and way less taxing than the corporate life.

I was sold this dream of a career woman, to go out and change the world. But nowadays, I feel like this was a virus implemented into us as children to develop an elitist mentality, with no real sense of direction. There’s room for women to do everything they can across the board and I’m grateful for the women who stood before us and fought for those rights, as well as made names for themselves and became role models for the generations after them. Choice is a beautiful thing; but I think there’s an evermore pronounced pressure to get women into higher seats; whether that’s in the boardroom or stateroom. And the alternative role of staying home and being a good partner and mother is no longer economically or socially tolerable. What I find even more pertinent across successful, hyper-independent women is that they often end up alone or find it more difficult to settle into a long-term, committed relationship. And because they can afford it, they usually resort to egg freezing ‘until the right person comes along.’

It’s quite the opposite effect for men. As men obtain more wealth and social status, more women tend to seek them as mates. If they wanted to, they could have as many potential partners as they wished to procreate. Successful women still intimidate men. They may act like it’s fine; they may even seek them out as clients, investors, or business partners. But I know just from firsthand listening and the awkward sideglances from men when I’m raving about a girlboss, that there’s still a bit of an inferiority complex men experience when they observe a woman in the spotlight for intellectual and financial finesse or exceptional business acumen. Men, unless ultra successful themselves, don’t usually seek out a woman who’s more successful them him financially or career-wise as a romantic partner. Well, Taylor Swift IS way richer and you could say more successful than Travis Kelce. Okay hot-shot, that’s true but Travis plays for one of the most loved and hyper-masculine sports in America and makes millions a year. Just look at his body posturizing and stature, and the way Taylor’s girl boss persona melts into his arms like day-old Hersey chocolates after a few too many Coronas. A powerful woman can step into her soft feminine side when she meets a man who defines her need for masculinity and protection. Women seek long-term partners who make them feel safe and secure, and sometimes that comes from money, and other times it comes from physical, psychological, and emotional safety.

What Marrying Rich Really Means

Rich can mean different things to different people. To me, it means the lack of financial worry or obstruction towards reaching one’s potential. Many people work their whole lives just to put food on the table, and to pay for their children to go to school. I saw this a lot in my parents.

I don’t want my family or my children to have to worry about finances. 

To me, this is as basic as 1+1

Now you may ask, well can’t you become rich yourself?

The answer is a solid maybe. But the probability of my partner becoming rich is much higher just by looking at the raw data like our bank accounts and current careers, and more qualitative like interests and personalities.

Ultimately, men don’t just want to become ultra-successful so they can sit in their penthouse by themselves all day. They are motivated to provide for a family. And men who make stupid amounts of money usually don’t want their wives working some menial job she doesn’t even like just to make a couple of thousand bucks a month. It’s more worthwhile to have a happy and rested wife who can dedicate her full attention to household activities and the rest of the time, whatever she effing wants. The problem with middle-class families is that women have to spend 8 hours laboring away at the office, and then come home and clean up the kids, make dinner, do laundry, and clean the house. She becomes more exhausted, agitated, anti-social, and probably depressed as time goes on.   

Remember, a happy wife = a happy home.

Marrying rich means having more options, and for me, it taps into the core of some of my deepest desires.  To do the things we love together, without finances being an obstruction. To start a passion project together, to travel the world, to be generous to our loved ones, and to hopefully ease a bit of suffering for others. I don’t desire to be tied to a desk job for the rest of my life, and although I believe in my own capabilities, I believe two is more powerful than one. A union that is balanced,  joyous, prosperous, and healthy has more to offer to the world, than a single person. 

So you tell me…is it anti-feminist for me to want to marry rich?