Money Talks for Women: It’s Hard Being Feminine Without Funds

Despite what you see online, I would argue for the most part, that women are not intrinsically as financially motivated as men. In a study done by Illuminate Ventures, 15% of male entrepreneurs were financially motivated to start companies as opposed to only 2% of females. How we’re raised, what influencers we’re subjected to at an early age, and our environmental circumstances, shape our financial and career motivations. You might notice a common trend where successful entrepreneurial women, started dirt poor. This is an important detail because it explains the motivation for gaining financial success. Whether it’s escaping an abusive relationship, family problems, or growing up so poor you always had to fend for yourself. These environmental factors can influence someone’s drive to become financially successful, and more importantly, independent. 

Take my mother for example. One of my earliest influences and to me, an embodiment of what femininity meant. I always thought my mother was beautiful, but she worked incredibly hard not because she enjoyed making money. She worked hard because she loved her kids. She was an astute cook, kept the house in order, a tender and caring partner and mother. If I ever looked down on my mother for not having “greater ambition”, I now realize how wrong I was. And that being a GOOD mother and staying in tune with that value is one of the hardest jobs in the world.

As a young girl, if you were encouraged to get into STEM, you’re more likely to pursue an engineering or doctorate in university. I saw lots of this growing up, young girls and boys egged on by their parents to pursue disciplines that showed promise of stability or prestige. My parents, for the most part stayed out of my business so for earliest parts of my life, I chose jobs based on interest first, and the pay was a bonus. I couldn’t rely on my parents to buy me the things I really wanted; nice clothing, acai bowls, and later, travel. But I wanted the little luxuries, and I would work so I could have them. Finances to me were simplistic: I want X because it aligns with my own value system (ie. health, luxury) and so I will need to earn Y to obtain it.

It was never about “I want to be a millionaire” or “I want to scale X so I can get a mega-property.” I feel like for men, at least many of the ones I’ve either come across or been around – it’s a form of insatiable desire for the maximum financial outcome.

“I want to be the best”
“I want to be in control”

“I want to dominate my field”

“I want to make unfathomable amounts of money.”

If you’re reading this and you’re a woman. I want you to ask yourself honestly…do you think about these things daily? If so, where did this thirst come from?

I feel like for many successful businesswomen, 9 out of 10 times, it seemed like their business was built off of something bigger than themselves. Over COVID, more women started businesses than men, mostly from the POV that they wanted to stay home with their children, and valued the flexibility.

Michelle Obama, frequently speaks on the power of community in her book, The Light We Carry. And though many would refer to her as this fiery enigma of a BOSS woman, “Super First Lady”, when you flip through the pages of her memoirs you will find a deeply feminine and empathetic human that goes through the same emotions we do: worry, doubt, grief, hopelessness and anxiety. She has a distinct lack of interest in politics like Barack, her husband. Instead, she’s more interested in empowering young women around the world. I see this theme recur again and again, of women not necessarily starting out wanting power at all, but to be the beacon of light in their communities. They say when money flows into the hands of women, it’s more likely to go back into society building activities, particularly children, education and healthcare.

Most wives of billionaires in first-world countries are involved in some sort of philanthropic pursuit. So though we may roll our eyes at their jewels and galas, at least they’re using their power and resources for the greater good, not just for capital gain. I think of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, which focuses on eradicating diseases like malaria in sub-Saharan Africa. And Mark and Priscilla’s bio-medical company that’s focusing on eradicating all types of illness. And Jeff Bezos and his fiancee’s Bezo Climate Fund. Time and time again, I see women step into the role of philanthropist rather than CEO.

But rarely anyone you know will ever have the lifestyle of a millionaire, nevertheless billionaire. So how can we choose to be feminine, when the world suggests we always act in our masculine?

Raw Survival and Masculinity

It’s really difficult for a woman to truly step into her divine power without the foundation of financial safety. As early as adolescence, girls are slowly training and shaping their talons to climb up the masculine ‘societal ladder,’  in which seniority is linked with higher pay. I’m going to give you some clear examples using my transition from high school to university and then adulthood.

In high school, I was devoted to nutrition as a vocation. I cooked every meal for myself regardless of my workload and maintained the same exercise regimen for years (cross country, track, weights). I loved cooking back then, taking care of myself, and trying new recipes I found from health blogs and vegan chefs. As I washed, peeled, and cooked these ingredients, I felt a wholehearted connection to the food I was eating. Looking back, that was some serious feminine energy.

I also reluctantly got into a relationship in my senior year. However, I remember explicitly being against having sex- and I held onto this determination based simply on gut feeling. I was protective of my energy, my body, and my future. It’s almost as if the universe was telling me, “Don’t do it, it’ll fuck you up!” Up to this year, I lacked financial worries, meaning all my attention went towards my goals and hobbies.

I eventually got a job, not because I wanted to make money. I got a job because I really liked the clothing of the company, plus I wanted the experience of having one. I thought I was so cool when I got hired at Hollister in Pacific Center, where the cool kids used to shop.

Slowly as I move up the ‘societal ladder’- getting into university and then out into the real world, a shift begins to happen.

The desperation to make more money starts to creep in. I start considering career paths based on financial outcome rather than intrinsic interest or passion. Side note: I’ve seriously considered a career in finances even though I despise math with a passion.  I develop the tendency to overwork and to neglect my overall diet and health. I started becoming much more selfish (masked as ambition, goal orientation, whatever you want to call it). 

I lost my ground in college, several times. Letting the insecurities and desperation for attention get the best out of me. Through those 5 years, I did not always respect my body and gave away my energy like free candy. Sexual regret is something that is more frequently experienced by women in the literature. Looking back, one of my regrets is how lax I was with sex, especially given much of it was not presumptuously pleasurable. Most of it was done from the mindset of “I can, so I will.” In fact, I think so many of us women think we can have sex as easily as men without the emotional fallback. We convince and convince ourselves until we eventually fall. For a detailed account of my experiences with this, check out my book, Here’s Your Sign to Stop Being a F**kboy.

I was desperate for some type of result, some sense of accomplishment, but I could never find it in university. I felt confined and lost and turned toward menial work and the money that came with it to make up for what I felt I was lacking. In this process, you can say I became a “hard worker.” Most people would call me ambitious. But to be honest with you, this raw, masculine focus to make ‘a certain amount’ of money has driven me further and further away from my feminine attributes. Mind you, my partner is extremely financially driven and that’s set the bar even higher.

Ironically, as much as my partner loves to be ‘feminist’ and a girl boss cheerleader, he finds me “frightening” when I get into work or business mode. Because in a way, it’s like being in a room with a person he’s not familiar with, and the opposite of doting, kind and pleasing. The same applies to him when he’s highly concentrated on his business. To be fair, I don’t necessarily like being in that mode, but rather I feel I have to be, in order to survive, to conquer, and to win. Women are constantly being told now, you have to be just like the men. You have to have the same types of jobs that were traditonally ‘male oriented’ and make the same amount money. And although I’m all for equality, it completely disregards the fact that still the majority of women might want to raise kids one day. And it’s not the men who have to dedicate 9 months to carrying a child, and then a couple years after to take care of the child. It’s this sacred role that sets women apart from men – yet women are expected to bare dual responsibility- both at work and in the household. Even when women get into high paying jobs (ie. doctors, dentists) it’s not uncommon for them to opt for part time hours to take care of the kids.

It’s tough not to operate in my masculine, when all I’m trying to do is survive or to do better than my parents had done. I had to become “him” first to eventually return to “her.”

This past year has been critically insightful. I no longer had the safe confines of my parent’s home – the one that had my back no matter what. On a whim, I would move out that summer into what I would call “my dream home” (at the time) smack center in the city.  Alas, this unexpected move prompted more urgency to make more money. Like my partner had, I attempted to start an agency for tech companies. I found myself in an incredibly lonely place, forcing myself to do things that didn’t feel natural to me, nor interested me much. But it “felt” like the right thing to do, it was how I was going to make more money than the regular bloke. I felt a sense of entitlement, of I should be making this much instead of that. A surge of cautionary confidence I should’ve watched and tamed. Moods swinging from left to right like a giant pendulum. One day I’m on top of the world, and the next shutting down a potential client during a call. I worked 7 days a week and still felt like it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t making a dime. And yes, the masculine side of me would say, “If you held on you could’ve made it.” But the feminine, realistic side of me says, “You would have crashed and burned before you ended up with anything substantial.” And that’s basically what ended up happening.

My relationship was on autopilot. We both worked a lot, and we would pop open a bottle of red wine to share between the two of us as we oscillated between tasks on our laptops on the couch. As you may tell, it wasn’t the most memorable of summers…

My mental health hit a record low that summer. I had to go on medication because the thoughts were increasingly, alarmingly getting worse. I felt unhappy and painstakingly hopeless. It’s a questionable moment when you’re so exhausted from existing that you have to try to outsource the most stupid things. Coming fall, my partner and I had collectively agreed that it was time to start looking for a more stable, consistent income stream: a job. This proved to be a behemoth of a task for my mental capacity at the time, in which, I then attempted to hire someone to send out applications to find suitable roles for me. Unfortunately for me, this was a waste of time and money. After three agonizing months, in which I was adjusting to new anti-depressants, I got a hit.

Transition into “Normalcy” & Initial Financial Challenges

I hopped into my first official 9 to 5. Like any new job, I sprung into it with enthusiasm, plenty of creative energy, and bright ideas. I cruised through my first couple of months like a new starlet – a player that the rest of the team, including management, appreciated. Time goes on, work relationships diminish, change of people, and the job starts feeling like yet, another chore. What’s worse is, financially, I still feel stuck. I was saving a third of the income I made every month, and considering that my income was not very high, I wasn’t left with too much disposable income. Hence, the feeling of living pay check to pay check. Before the raises I got, I was making even less and paying off old credit card debts. Even a $100 change in my credit card bill, caused reason to worry back then. Most people don’t often talk about their financial struggles because they find it somewhat embarrassing, and they want others to perceive them as doing better than they actually are. Here I am relaying all my secrets- but this is necessary to understand how it connects to femininity. 

When you’re focused on making ends meet, less energy goes towards the following:

• Building and nurturing relationships
• Making a beautiful and comfortable home
• Cooking 
• Taking care of yourself
• Reconnecting with your inner rhythm (for me, writing, blogging)
• Maintaining your physical appearance

Now I know, some ‘feminists’ will come after me about this bullet list. But hear me out girl, I’ve been alive long enough to realize that those evenings spent hand painting cards for loved ones, and shopping at Home Sense for home decor, and mornings writing poetry these little things helped me feel good. At the time I didn’t realize, but that was me connecting with my inner feminine.

These feminine activities fuel a better existence, bring color to my cheeks, and change to my overall demeanour.

The person without these feminine activities feels stone-cold, exhausted..dead.. I powered through those initial 4 months, working by day, freelancing by night, and weekends tutoring English. My home was a place to sleep, bare and pasty white walls, and occasionally very messy.

This month. Yes literally, December 2023, 1 year and 1 month after I started working full-time, I finally, for the first time….feel a sense of relief. I went to the store and bought things without worrying about the price. I bought my friends presents for the first time in years. I bought myself clothes and designer heels without feeling regret, but instead elatedness and excitement. I paid off my trip ahead of time, which for a week-long trip, was two grand short of my first, month-long solo trip in Europe. Instead of worrying about train fares, I was lamenting over the aesthetic of the hotels I wanted to stay at (it’s hard to pick, the competition is steep in Paris!) My savings were looking good, my investments had grown, and for once, I didn’t feel like I was living on edge anymore. I was so proud of myself for the discipline that brought me this sense of peace.  

My home started to look, as my partner said “Homier”. Two fluffy throws on the couch, decorative pillows, decorations for Halloween and Christmas, organizers for kitchen staples (hello, spices no longer sitting in their plastic bags), and a neverending replenishment of candles. According to my mother, my skin never looked better! These basic, simple adjustments to my home, did bring me a sense of joy. For most, it’s the bare minimum, but for me, it’s small progress and that’s enough for me. It’s little luxuries I couldn’t quite afford to have before. It’s the beginning of building a beautiful home. And it’s how I feel, in some way, reconnected with my feminine self. And I’ll trade decorating over pouring my time and energy into writing articles about NFTs (what are those again?) any day of the week.

Relearning: Excellence over Efficiency

The feeling of achieving excellence is unbeatable. On the contrary, small mistakes that could’ve been avoided if one had been more careful, are a cause of stress, and waste of time. Over the years, I transitioned from a slow-moving, perfectionist, to a race car that wanted things done in an hour flat. As most men will say, “My time is money.”

I worked better with men than I did with women because I prioritized quick decision-making and confidence over those decisions. Because I was always in such a rush to do more, ie. multitasking, my work began to show more mistakes. As my boss says, it’s better to do right the first time. I noticed that hastiness also is determined by the levels of stress I have in my body.

When I’m stressed, frazzled, and tired (mostly from working or juggling too many things), I tend to do things with more callousness and less precision. Sure for certain tasks, you can get away with it being 70-80% done, for more significant projects that require creativity, excellence cannot be rushed. I’ll give you a prime example. We’ve been developing a new website for a brand for over a year. That’s right, an entire year. My masculine side wanted this done, yesterday. My masculine side only cared about the ROI, the amount of resources “wasted”..etc. The initial “dummies”, or first rounds of design I actually gleefully thought we were making progress. I had to be taken off the project  completely to understand that there’s always a better solution, especially with something that is going to be the front and center of your brand. My elimination from this project turned out to be the best thing based on my bare-bone knowledge of web and graphic design. And even though I thought I knew the brand well, obviously, the owners knew their brand better.

Nurturing vs Controlling

I’ve never been okay with the idea of a man taking care of me. Perhaps it’s all the feminist rhetoric I’ve been exposed to over the years or just my innate fondness for independence. But the thought of a man providing or making more money than me used to be a cause of insecurity. I was in my early 20s, and seeing men in their 30s, so obviously I had less money. I gained power through other means whether that be through sex or love. In my head, sex was a form of control, because I could choose who and when I wanted it. I was far from the nurturing personality I once was in an authentic, committed relationship. It was not until this year, 2023, have I slowly allowed myself to receive care and resources from someone who truly loves me. My partner makes anywhere from 3-5x more money than me. And I’ve come to really value what financial security really brings. He helps chip in for the expenses, so I have funds to do the things I really enjoy, instead of paying for groceries, utilities..etc. whether that’s going to a nail appointment, or saving for a trip, my life is overall enhanced through the provision of my partner. It still feels really weird to write this out. But the point is, I’m way less uptight and strung out over money than I was before; now with more time and freedom to devote to my interests and connecting with my feminine self.

I think women are sometimes driven to be hyper-masculine because they never had a masculine figure who took care of them the way they needed. Of course, this is not a blanket statement but this is what I’ve observed in myself. But when a masculine figure comes in and can provide and encourage, the woman in the relationship can somewhat let go of those hyper-masculine traits to step into their true feminine. I’m not for men providing completely because it disables the other person in the relationship. More so, contribute to the areas where it allows the other person to thrive. In fact, if a woman is 100% dependent on their partner, it could actually make them more controlling because they have more to lose if their partner leaves them or cheats on them. However, if a woman is supported in small ways by their partner, they have more room to reconnect with their feminine and be a better partner, yet still go after their greatest ambitions. Not all men make more money than women. But biologically women are conditioned to mate up; which means going for men who have more resources and the capability to gain more (ambition/drive). So our biological wiring + the gender pay gap usually result in men making more money in the relationship.

When I didn’t have money or resources, I felt psychopathic. Devoid of emotion and filled with rage. Not a philanthropic or charitable bone in my body. I didn’t care about anyone; not my friends, and my relationship felt like it was on autopilot. Versus when I had money and security, my charitable interests came back, I started caring about my relationships more, and my passion and vigor for my interests poured back into my soul. Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it sure sets the foundation for it.

For a woman to be nurturing, charitable, kind, and spirited, she must have a basis of financial security.

Conclusion

Those are a lot of ideas to digest, I’m sure, and I’m extremely impressed if you were able to make it the end. Writing this piece in particular took me longer because I had to mentally digest what I was saying. As a women living in the 21st century, you feel ashamed when you want to make more money, or you want to make less. It’s a never ending battle, and especially on social media platforms you can have your metaphorical head on a spike if you say something that goes against the feminism movement. I’ve been that girl – independent, controlling, sometimes, moraless. But I have to say, gaining financial stability has been one of the best things that has happened in my life. It’s given me the ability to focus on other areas of my personal development, and reconnect with my feminine. I am proud to say, I didn’t get here on my own AT ALL. Every single bill my partner has contributed to has helped me achieve the state of peace I have today. My dad still pays my phone data bill every month, and that helps. Not everyday is mentally peaceful. There are still days where I feel like it’s not enough, and I feel like I’m struggling or crumbling. I still get scared looking at my credit card bill sometimes. I am not perfect, but I’m working towards feeling 100% secure in my financial future, and my partner is a part of that. As he often tries to tell me, “You’re not in this alone.” And I haven’t always let that sink in until recently. Being alone is great and empowering, but being in a team changes your perspective on everything else.

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