How to Stop Being a Yes Girl –  4 Relationship Things You Need to Stop Doing

Reversing my tendency to say yes to everyone and every opportunity that flew my way has been a work in progress. I boil this down to low self-esteem.

Now, most people have always commented that I looked vibrantly confident. Maybe it was the way I dressed, spoke, walked with my chest high, or talked about my sporadic love life (back in the day). Yet, there has always been this deep, persistent yearning in me, that little girl who just wanted a pat on the back and the praise she never got from her parents. 

When it came to love and dating, these persistent tendencies did not go away. Although I am glad I had enough resistance within me to say “no” to the things that truly made me uncomfortable, there were also many times in which I agreed to do things that didn’t make me feel 100% comfortable.

Throughout the years of hobbling between relationships to situationships, there were plenty of times I’ve broken down and could have just refused to get up. Heck, stay single forever.  But for some reason, perhaps it was the inkling of a hopeless romantic that still lived within the crevasses of my heart; I dove after it, year after year. And each year, I got a little better at saying no until I got my yes.

In the spirit of another relationship post, I have a very special announcement to make. My first e-book, “Here’s Your Sign to Stop Being a F**kboy” is officially out. And yes, it’s as juicy as it sounds. I hope my book is able to offer some perspective and relief on the whole f**kboy conundrum.  Enjoy 50% off the book until October 15, 2023.

Now back to the centerpiece of the day. How to stop saying yes, when you really want to say no.

1. Work on their schedule

Many women even as they approach their older years still wait for the guy to make the first signal to hang out. Why is that?

When you constantly wait for them to initiate when to see you, you’re giving him the power to decide when to fit you into “his schedule.”You also live in this persistent state of anxiety, “Are they going to call?” As women, we often just go along with it. Even when you’ve made that neat little calendar and plan of what you were going to do that day, that one sneaky late-night text will draw you out of your chambers and magically into a cute outfit, and into an Uber.

Why do we do this?  Why do we neglect our own selves— our self-care time, personal development time, even friendships for men?

The answer is simple. 

We fear that by “missing” out on this opportunity to see them, they will magically become uninterested and move on. 

The opposite is actually true. Turning down a guy because you genuinely had preset plans, even if it was to study or to watch a rom-com by yourself is not a turn-off. In fact, it just shows the man you respect yourself, and your own time. It makes them want to work for it more. And trust, time after time, they will be back.

Ever since I started dating, I have constantly been a victim of this. I would weave myself into the guy’s schedule with any given opportunity. I mean, can you blame me? I fell hard and fast, as they say. And I am not ashamed to say it, that’s just who I am.

But nowadays, I advise women to be more reserved when it comes to giving up their time. Of course, not every minute detail of life can be planned out on a neat soccer mom agenda, or a colorful Excel sheet. Things happen, life happens. But forgoing your own goals and tasks of the day, to hang out with some dude who wants to “Netflix and Chill” is probably not the best self-respecting decision.

So what to do instead? Plan out your week in advance. Set out your priorities for the week, lay out your timeblocks, and create gaps of time where you are actually free and willing to commit to dating.

Then the next time a guy asks you “Hey are you free right now, or what are you doing later?,” precisely tell them “Tonight’s not good, but this day around this time, I’m all yours.”

It’ll take a little bit of self-discipline, but once you build up a habit, you’ll be on your way to being far more attractive. Now a lot of men, in my experience WILL try to co-erce you into seeing them, and only for one reason. They are horny af. It’s literally like a dog waiting to chew his bone. My number one advice is to turn off your phone. The more you keep listening to their flirtatious texts and let them string you along, the more likely you are to give. So it’s best just to turn that thing off! They can wait.

Attraction isn’t all about physical leverage as some women see it. A lot of attraction also comes down to your energy, level of self-respect, and emotional resilience. Otherwise, you’re just letting yourself become that “always available” and “always down” girl. There is nothing less attractive than that. It’s not about playing games, it’s about creating some friction to see if the guy is actually worth your time.

2. Settle for “drinks” or coffee

Men who ask you out for drinks or coffee are like amateur hour o’ clock. I rather a guy just straight up invite me over to their place because at least they’re being honest about what they want. What it says about a guy when he asks you out for a coffee or a walk is that he’s not willing to invest in you emotionally or financially, right from the start. He’s “uneasy”, maybe even a bit suspicious. Or he just wants to get you drunk for a quick lay. Guys, if you’re not willing to put in some effort right from the beginning, it’s not exactly setting the right tone. 

Girls, don’t you dare put on a full face of makeup and an outfit for a coffee date. Please save it for someone who is actually worth your time. You can make coffee at home in your PJs.

Movies – No.

Experience that involves too much individual focus – No.

Hiking – Stop.

There is nothing wrong with an old-fashioned dinner. At least you’re face-to-face, enjoying a decent meal, and get an opportunity to actually talk and get to know each other.

3. Change your career choice or any aspect of your identity.

Men love to have an opinion, most of the time. One of my exes responded that “humanitarian work would be good if you have the time.” Another one hated that I worked like a “normal” person. I find that many, many women encounter this stage in life, regardless of their age, where they are quite literally a fucking mess and, deeply confused about what they want in life. Women weren’t expected to work for decades, and then all of a sudden it’s like we’re supposed to be CEOs, investors, or astronauts. It creates this tension between those who are not willing to let go of “traditional” women’s roles and those who want to run as far away as possible from them.

I’ll give you an example. Some days, I feel like being an independent boss bitch who pays for all her things, and everyone around her. Other days, I dream about having a glorious marbled island kitchen which my husband paid for, doing absolutely no work but making the most delicious organic meals. See I have a domestic side too!

Regardless of whether your man wants you to be the most successful CEO or the most meticulous homemaker, that is not up to him. How you want to operate your life should be a decision that is solely made by YOU.

You will never be happy trying to live up to someone else’s expectations.

Read that again.

Many women, including myself, rely on the advice of men, who seem more logical in times of emotional vulnerability. For me, that was when I was depressed, broke, or challenged. Men have one thing that makes them fatally flawed. That thing is, blunt confidence. Blunt confidence has been over-glorified in media, but more often than not it leads to deadly mistakes. There is such a thing as overconfidence and the consequences are usually adverse and irreversible.

Women possess a trait that is powerful, and that is the ability to “slow down” and be okay with it. To live slowly and to make decisions slower, but with more thought and research. To hurt from mistakes but take a more analytical stance on the situation. To spend more time in deep reflection and to revel in painful emotions. As women, we need to lean in more to that power and to listen to that voice. Men as well, would benefit from this, but that’s a conversation for another day.

Do not change your trajectory in life for a man, unless it’s something that you feel would truly benefit you. For example, if a guy wants to move to a new city that you’ve always wanted to move to, but didn’t have the means to – heck I say go for it. There’s a lot more opportunity there you might find. But if he’s wanting you to quit your job to become a stay-at-home wife, or wanting you to go into a specific career stream for financial stability, you can politely but assertively tell him to fuck off.

4. Lend them $$$

Back to my previous point about risk tolerance. Men usually have a higher risk tolerance than women. But women, statistically are better long-term investors. I’ve “lent out” money to three men in my life. And only one of them so far has panned out well. I am exposing myself so you approach lending money with some trepidation.

Women are generally better at saving because they approach life with more risk aversity. And that’s why often, we will have accumulated a certain level of savings which we can use for rainy days, our children’s education, or to support our men in times of financial distress. My mom has done the exact same for my dad when he decided it was a good idea to get a new vehicle every couple of years, “because he felt like it.”

I’ve done the same for men I was dating because I genuinely cared about them, or I believed my money would be returned. Fortunately, the time I decided to invest big, I got my money back full and made some. But unfortunately, the second time I was not so lucky. I was practically scammed out of $5k, which might seem little or a lot depending on your financial aptitude. But for me at that time, was a lot; it was the equivalent of five months of rent, an important dental procedure, or a full vacation in Europe.  It hurt a lot at the time, the emotional betrayal, but it’s also given me this lesson, which now I can share with you.

Don’t give up your money easily unless it’s a life-or death situation. If the guy you’re seeing suddenly wants to invest in a business or buy a new car, do not give them the cash. LIE if you have to. Again, men will try to maneuver their way in, or even convince you to go into debt for them, but do not give in. Do not give in to the “potential” rewards, and assess any opportunity with a set of diligent eyes and research. Regardless of how trustworthy and knowledgeable they might seem, always know the ins and outs of what you’re getting into. As a rule of thumb, for the sake of your relationship if you see a future with this person, don’t mix the finances into the batter so early on. A man who truly cares for you and your success will not make you risk your own personal finances for their sake. Regardless of how screwed they are in the moment.

I got lucky the first time, but I know it’s entirely not common for women to get screwed over, even if it’s unintentional. My ex had to work his butt off to pay off that debt, and it took him a while too. Not all men have that level of financial and mental discipline to give you back what they promised.

Becoming a “No” Girl for the Right Yes

Alright girlies, that pretty much sums up my advice for being a “no” girl. I hope you enjoyed this, and let me know in the comments whether you want to make more of these for other areas of your life.

Maybe it’s standing up to an unfair boss, a helicopter parent, or a selfish friend. There are so many areas in our lives where this can come into play. It’s a skill that we need to keep on building and our future selves will thank us for. Contrary to the popular sentiment, you CAN get further in life, even when you say no to certain ‘opportunities.’ Choose your words and actions wisely. Peace, love and more nos!