How Practicing Detachment Can Save Your Work Life

Dear Diary,

Today was a tough day at work. On the day-to-day, my role in the workplace is not just subjected to hard skills like copywriting and marketing analytics. A lot of my work is also handling and mediating people’s emotions. I don’t when or how I adopted this role, but it’s tagged along in my journey for as long as I can remember.

I had a very intriguing conversation today. It was peculiar to me in the sense that it was the first time I felt like I was staring into a reflection of my former self. One of our contractors was feeling very overwhelmed. And I’ve experienced this feeling all too well in my own life, especially in relation to work. And so in the moment, I replied sympathetically and soothingly, to which degree I do best. But as an afterthought, I wondered, what has caused this person to become so overwhelmed that there is now friction in this working relationship?

And that question brings me to today’s post. How practicing detachment can change your life at work. In fact, I would argue that it could help you thrive.

When You’re Not Emotionally Tied to the Result, You’re Less likely to Fizzle Out.

Imagine being emotionally disrupted by every sports loss, or game of poker. Sure, sometimes there are some monetary losses from losing those bets, but in the end, we see it as it is— a game. A game that involves some degree of skill, but also a whole lotta luck. The more you play, the better your odds are usually. I see work and business as pretty much the same. Over the past couple of years, I’ve been so emotionally attached to the given moment. If something went wrong that day, or if we were stagnating for a month, I would let myself get very disheartened. If you own the business, I understand that you probably have more hanging on the line. But If you don’t own the business, and you work for someone else (which still the majority of people do) it makes no sense why you’re getting emotionally disrupted by someone else’s company’s results. Okay so maybe you’re a contractor and you have a somewhat direct role in the sales. However, if the entire business is dependent on you to make revenue, then it’s not a you problem honey, it’s a them problem. There are too many factors that go into making an operation successful than just one lone wolf. And that brings me to my second point.

The World Doesn’t Revolve Around You, Stop Kicking the Can.

It’s easy to believe that the world revolves around you when you’re used to chasing a life of approval from others. You were that kid that teachers said was going to “go places”. You were told you were special and maybe put on a pedestal. Therefore, every wrong move you make in life hurts that much more. And in my experience, as you get older, the more atrocious mistakes happen. I see this a lot, specifically in entrepreneurs. 

They believe they are superhumanly special in some sense that they can outwork anyone. And sometimes you do need to be a little delusional to make something out of nothing. But when you zoom back, I’m sorry to say there are hundreds of thousands of people in your shoes. There are people perhaps working in your company that do work you’ll never be able to do fully on your own. You are not so special; you just happen to have a knack for solving hard problems and/or organizing people. The rest is still up to others.

Believing you are special or you deserve a break or an apology from whoever is hurting you is a waste of time. If a situation is not working for you, speak up. The people you’re dealing with are not going to magically wake up one day and realize they’ve been “wronging” you. They have a thousand other challenges of their own on the day-to-day. If you can’t directly confront them with your issues, the fault is actually on you. Take it from a chapter called Self Accountability.

Don’t expect others to be accountable, if you haven’t set the expectation in the first place.

When you Leave Work at Work, You Actually Have an Identity

“I’m a workaholic”

“I live to work”

Yeah, yeah hot sauce. We all should know by now is work is not all fun and games.

There are going to be stressful days and periods. And that stress should not be carried over into our personal lives. If it does end up pouring over into your personal hours or time consistently; it’ll accumulate and build up like plaque; eventually, into this constant feeling of “overwhelm.”

Your life has too much potential to become a prisoner to this purely, made-up mental jail. Have something to look forward to after a long week. Implement downtime throughout your day and build a routine outside of work.

I can’t stress how important this is for your mental sanity. This is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. People often underestimate how much time it takes for true success to start showing. So you might as well take your time, enjoy the process, and not fall into a spiral of resentment and misery. It is in these spaces outside of work, that you’ll find pieces of your identity.

I’m a writer at heart – so outside of work, I write for myself and my community. I’m a girl’s girl so I like dressing up and going for nice dinners with my partner and capturing those moments. I’m a little bit of a wine girl, so I sip wine at a posh bar in Yaletown where I work on my book or read one. I’m a little bit of a fit girl, so I walk out in the sun in my jumpsuit and go for long walks by the beach. 

I am more than my work. And I have so much more to offer myself and others in my community outside of what I do for work, even though I am a valuable part of that team.

Crafting a life outside of my work and having a mental clock-out time has been instrumental in my mental health. It’s allowed me to persist longer where I am.

The Quickest Route to Burnout

The quickest route to burnout is believing you can change the system and turn it around. That the company you own, work for, or consult with will start shitting dollar bills after you implement some type of million-dollar strategy. The truth is, no one should and will be as invested in the company as the owners themselves. 

You can try your best to produce results –  but at the end of the day, act like your pay grade. Ask yourself: Am I getting paid enough to solve this problem?

I doubt the answer is yes.

Attaching your value to a moving target is never healthy. Betting the success of the company on your actions is egotistical. All you can do is take care of what you’re responsible for and you don’t have an obligation to go beyond that. As someone who is ambitious and goal-oriented, I’ve too often fallen into the trap of trying to “accomplish more”, or “get to the imaginary finish line faster.” Instead of objectively viewing my position in the company as a team player, and not the center of attention; I dug my own grave.

I don’t blame you if you feel this way. Perhaps you are also very success-driven, and you’ll do anything to maximize your opportunities in the future. But the way to do it is not by burning yourself out on self-perpetuated targets (most of the time, unrealistic and not discussed with others). My simple rule of thumb: Don’t put all your focus on the things that are not on paper.

Practicing Detachment for Women is Harder

Women tend to be greater perfectionists than men. This is because as young girls, we were socialized to behave a certain way. The saying “boys will be boys” does not apply to the girls. As a result, most young girls enter their adulthood with a persistent fear of failing or looking less than perfect. For many girls I grew up around, our worth was centered around our grades, our looks, and our extra-curriculars. Naturally, we develop a tendency to please our teachers, and then later in life, our partners and employers. The lines can become increasingly blurred between how we perform in the workplace, with our self-worth. This is why detachment is harder for women in relationships and work. It’s therefore important as women, that we become more self-aware of our flaws and take proactive measures to shift away from the mindset that work = self-worth.

Conclusion

Practicing healthy detachment from work has been life-changing. And to be frank, I never thought I could do it. Practicing detachment for me means a couple of things:

• Mentally clocking out of work, after work.
• Not thinking about work and problems on weekends.
• Not bringing my laptop with me on vacations.

I am by no means perfect, and sometimes I still bring a little bit of work back with me, but I have a healthy way of dealing with it. I discuss my challenges with my partner, and after the rant is done, it is done. I can flutter into the weekend with nothing on my conscious. 
On heavier weeks, I know I need more of a “deloading” period to counteract the impact of the week. That means taking care of myself more, seeing friends, and turning the computer away at a certain time in the evening. I have to remind myself that the expectations I have are all self-constructed. If I had to force myself to write every blog post here, we might not be here for so long. I write when I have an intention to, and when there’s flow. I also write sometimes just because it feels like second nature. Writing to me is a gift, not just because it can be monetized; but it’s so much more than that. It’s a mode of release, surrender, and self-discovery. If there’s something in your life that brings you joy, even if it’s perceived as “work” from the outside; I encourage you to pursue it wholeheartedly in your out-of-work hours. I believe the mind is happier when it’s active as opposed to idle. That being said, the mind also needs proper time to rest and recover, so that it can produce “work” that is truly fulfilling and worthwhile.