Self-Taught Lessons with Feminism: Overcoming Self-Limiting Beliefs and Reclaiming Your Femininity 

We, women, are more powerful than we sometimes feel. Although there have been significant strides in gender equality, there are still yards to cover regarding fairness in all aspects of our day-to-day life. Whether it’s winning a Nobel prize or getting a successful round of funding for your startup; being female in today’s age means your chances of succeeding are already hindered by invisible lines. Lines that we, ourselves, feel uncomfortable talking about. 

Many women like myself, being born and raised in a relatively liberal country, like Canada or the United States, feel like we were afforded the luxury of pursuing “whatever we wanted.” 

However, many of us out there struggle and grapple with this pain, the feeling of not being good enough, worthy enough, or competent enough to be as successful as we ought to be. We have ill-defined messages surrounding success— seeing the only routes of achieving it—in a doggy dog, teeth-out fashion. We often find ourselves surrendering our femininity and making choices that go against our intuition to measure up to a very masculine definition of success. Aggression and domination become the building blocks to succeed in a world that was ‘built’ on top of the shoulders of men—irrespective of what it does to our health, relationships, and overall well-being. 

In developing nations, we’re seeing a huge decline in the birthrates. A woman discussing freezing her eggs is as trivial as getting laser hair removal at the brunch table. Pour the mimosas please. Nowadays, women carry this unspeakable fear that by the time they’re “supposed” to have children, they will have just arrived at their peak career years. A career is no longer subjected to a corporate desk; these days, a woman’s career can range from owning a small business to running a digital empire. Nevertheless, any worthwhile pursuit requires time and effort, and women are already facing the brunt of burnout and cases of mental epilepsies at unprecedented rates. In the age of the hustle, where your self-worth and external success are measured against hours, grit, and pistol-sharp analytics—it seems lesser and less reasonable to bring another life into the world. As you know, being a mother is a full-time job.

In the sixties, it was perfectly reasonable for a couple with one or two children to live on one salary. Nowadays, children are perceived as a luxury with the rising cost of living and outrageous childcare fees (up to $10,000/year for the average American family).

Single-income families are becoming rarer. And not just because of how expensive living is. Girls and women brought up in the ‘feminist age’ feel a dwindling desire to rely on their male counterparts to provide. It’s almost a source of shame. Especially when most women (91%) in developed countries like the U.S. have at least a high school education. This brings me to my next point… the juicy topic of power.

– Power  –

Count with your fingers how many of your bosses were women. Now on your other hand, count how many were men.

In most cases, you’d probably have an uneven ratio of men to females.

Men often wear the hat of responsibility proudly. They are expected to be the breadwinners, the CEOs, and those who run the state. A women’s responsibilities are double-edged, though not prompt up with the same oomph as their counterparts.

You’ll find women often in roles managing people, balancing others’ emotions like plates at a busy diner, and ensuring that their children or spouses are succeeding—whether that’s passing advanced algebra or getting a promotion.

Many women, like myself, find ourselves occasionally in a blind rage. It feels like it’s coming from nowhere, but the truth is we’ve long harbored this pain and anger toward the other sex. We feel as if, at birthright, we were given the shittier end of the bargain. But because we’re socialized not to be loud, aggressive, or demanding, because godforsaken we get labeled as that “bossy bitch”, we’ve dedicated our lives to quietly scathing by and getting tangible achievements by merit. First, academics. Then in our careers, we find ourselves putting up with all types of butchery and bullshit, sometimes finding men in similar positions surpassing us simply through ‘charisma’ or likability. Even in 2023, the gendered pay gap between co-leads in Hollywood is still a thing. How ridiculous is that?

“A woman can do everything a man does, but in heels.” A classic mantra passed down to us from our second-wave feminism godmothers. Thanks to COVID, a woman can manage her organization in a sweat suit and a chic home office if she wishes. However, this saying tackles the uncomfortable truth. Women are expected to perform more than ever, yet still bear the weight of other responsibilities. Emotional labor, childcare, taking care of aging parents..the list goes on.

In a macroscopic way, women like myself feel an overarching burden to achieve and outperform their counterparts because we feel we have a responsibility. In some heroic fashion, we believe that by succeeding ourselves, somehow, we’re paving the way for other women and our children in the generations after us to have fairer opportunities. We will brush our feelings aside, get extremely disciplined, and even neglect our relationships to make this happen. Women that feel this way often are not in relationships. They either scare away men or push honest men away. They have a mantra that men will only hinder their success (which is false).

I’ve always watched politicians and billionaires on television, always wondering why women weren’t in the room. Same in venture capital, wall street banking, and in the inner golden circle of Silicon Valley CEOs. Why? I always thought to myself. Growing up, I was surrounded by smart, disciplined, and ambitious girls. Girls would go on diets in fifth grade and get a full-ride scholarship to top research institutions by age 18. The boys were busy with video games and picking their boogers. Why was it that as I got older, I was surrounded by more successful men than women? Why was it that men always made the bank?

Why was it that when women struggled for cash, the running jokes between their female friends were, “Oh well, time to get a sugar daddy!”

I find myself constantly baffled and confused at the outcomes society has produced.

Yet, you would think this would make the female race band together and want to help each other succeed. I don’t think this is the case at all. I think women view each other as threats more than ever. I consume more content from men when it comes to business advice, wealth building..etc, than I do from women. Is it because the advice from men is more valid? Surely not. But I think some women have been pushed so hard into the corner that they feel like there cannot be more than one of them at the top. Being lined up with men at the top is almost like a trophy, a sign of worth— they made it. Yet, sometimes I wonder whether men should be the ones at the pinnacle in the first place.

Women who want to succeed constantly feel like they have to go against their inner nature. They must conquer their femininity, suppress it, and go Margret Thatcher style in order to be in that room.

Yet, we never stop to think, what if we don’t want to be in that room in the first place? Instead of the boy’s club, with its wooden frameworks and indoor smoking rooms, what if we women wanted a sky-high girls club, with glass chandeliers, champagne flutes, and faux fur loveseats?

A women’s femininity can be her source of power if she knows how to use it. But so many of us lose touch with that side of ourselves through our work. We separate our personal and love lives and our careers into neat little compartments. Thou shall never touch.

When I work, I am the most boring person to be around. And I’m not talking about when I do meetings or interviews, I mean when I’m churning out an article or laying out an organizational chart. I range from looking like a cracked-out mouse to a sleepy sloth. You can bet your ass if I’m sitting 2 meters away from you, I much rather message you on Teams than open my little mouth. When I get into work, I tend to lose the desire to care for myself. Nails— I’ll wait till next month. Lashes—-who cares? Clothes? Haven’t switched outfits in a solid year. After work? Time to work on my second project. Dinner? Don’t look at me.

And the problem is I embrace this version of myself, viewing her as disciplined, hard-working, and primed for better things. As with everything else in your life, your relationships will become a cost-benefit analysis. And though your work may flourish, your life outside of that starts becoming extremely dull. Your ability to attract meaningful relationships starts to diminish. Your ability to enjoy and feel satisfied with your work decreases because you’re overwhelmed with too many projects you’ve taken on. Your femininity is waning, which means that your power is too.

Women want to be with powerful men for one of two reasons.

1. They never felt powerful, so they want to be with someone who can elevate them and be safe.
2. They are in tune with their vibrant, feminine power and desire someone to compliment them.

– My Two Cents on Dating Ambitious Men –

I recommend you never date a man with lower ambition than you. You are a powerful woman; therefore, you must find a partner to balance, complement and elevate you. Don’t settle for any less.

An ambitious man doesn’t have to be the richest man, although, as I said before, these things are often correlated. An ambitious man can be chasing his dreams, rifting through the Dolomites, or finding the cure for a neurodegenerative disease.

Ambitious men are not lazing around or feeling sorry for themselves—the world is their oyster, and they’re out to get it. But they also have their ego in check enough to realize their vulnerability and culpability as human beings.

Despite all the hiccups, I’ve never had a bad time dating ambitious men. There was always a good lesson to take away and some adventure to be had. An ambitious partner can support you through your doubts and tough times because they know far too well the messy by-products of an overachieving mind. They will understand you rather than judge or label you as ‘crazy.’ Because, in some ways, we’re all a little crazy for chasing the life we think we deserve.

Importantly: Your success will not threaten an ambitious and secure man. Watch for this diligently— how they react to your accomplishments. Seek a partner who is your biggest cheerleader and knows when to take the sidelines when appropriate. 

– Owning your Strengths  –

As we go through various stages in life, we teach ourselves how to build thicker skin. Very intuitively, this is how we protect ourselves from the impact of the next fall. Women start to build these layers of skin from a young age. From the first time someone makes fun of their weight, to their first time flailing a class, leaving that impermeable mark on their otherwise, perfect report card.

Rejection and failure (either subjective or objective) hurt. If we anticipate getting hurt again, we build a shield around our hearts so that we’re able to recover faster. Some women will take precautionary measures to avoid that feeling of pain, causing them to take fewer risks in life. Settle for the boring guy because he’s safe. Never take that trip because you might get mugged or fall for the perfect stranger again.

But I digress, this wasn’t meant to take you down a trauma-filled lane of rejection and past grievances, we’re here to talk about how we own our strengths.

Strengths. We all have them, yet as women, sometimes, we like to play it off unless we really have to show off (like on our resume to get that job).  By strengths, I’m not even talking about actual hard skills. In fact— I argue that if women tried harder to own their soft skills, they could actually go further in life.  Look— I’m all for women pursuing finances, science, and technology, but if you’re anything like me, those things I just listed don’t come naturally as an interest or a skill. And trust me, I’ve tried. One summer, I almost studied for the CFA exam (hence, the monthly email reminders) because I thought the only way to succeed in life and become rich was to become a financial analyst. When I look back at my 20-year-old self, I can’t help but laugh-cry a little. Regarding science, I’ll pay you $100 if I can stay awake during a biology lecture. Truth be told— all I want from a career is an excuse to dress up every day, look glamorous, and do some kiss-ass work, whatever that may be— hopefully, something I was good at. That’s my idea of a dream gig. If I was rich, one of the first investments I would make is in my wardrobe. I’ve been told I’m good with people, and sometimes even I feel like, “Hell yeah, I’m great with people.” Yet, that was never a clear strength I could quantify on my resume. What are people skills? To me, it’s like being a magnet— attract and lock in people long enough to hear you out. Does looking good hinder that process? Not really. It’s just an added cherry on top.

If you’re a really lousy or boring person that adds no value, people will walk regardless of whether you attracted them with your feminine powers. But if they don’t walk, then it’s just proof to yourself that you do have a powerful and engaging mind. I think we women walk around with our tails behind our legs, worrying too much about rejection — not realizing what a huge opportunity cost this is.

I challenge you to take out your phone right now. And jog down 5 strengths— they can be hard skills (project management, accounting..etc.) or soft skills (empathy, leadership..etc.).

Now reflect on how those skills have served you and which skills you think are being underutilized. How can we bump up those underutilized skills in our life? And what is that going to require?

As a woman, owning your super skill can make a world of a difference. It can theoretically mean the difference between peace or war or becoming a thriving creator rather than a doctor.

– Looking pretty in a room of men (and women)  – 

Here is the dilemma. We have certain fields that we (we= society) previously defined as masculine (athletics, technology, law, investment banking…the list goes on). As a modern generation of females, we feel almost obligated to go into those fields just to say, “Hey, I did it (even though, sidenote: I much rather be a full-time travel/fashion/lifestyle/mommy blogger.” Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind being the only woman in the room. But there’s an innate closeness that we feel in the presence of other women that men will never replace. We should strive as a collective to bring all women up to the same speed so that we can work with both sexes/genders in our careers. I believe women and men both bring unique perspectives and skills to the table, and both are invaluable. 

Something I don’t often speak about is how much I enjoy working with men. There’s a level of compatibility I experience with men that I sometimes don’t get with women. That’s because men and women just operate differently fundamentally. Women tend to be more slow and rational. Men are usually more quick and decisive. I truly believe there’s a time and place for both these mechanisms. Of course, I’m not trying to white-label men and women, I am purely speaking from personal experience. When trying to get something done quickly, I love the speed and decisiveness of men. I turn toward my ladies when trying to be more methodological or creative.

As you may know, eventually, I want to pursue a career in politics. And you can bet that’s a field where the gender ratios are way off. But I hope by the time I get there, there will be more female leadership in place. I truly think the combination of female leadership and active mentorship is the key to success in bridging that gap between could be and is.

– How to Build Confidence in Your Own Skin –

As I said before, your attractiveness never hurts, but mark my words—it’s only a quarter of the equation. If you’re not confident about your looks, the first thing you need to gain confidence in is your own ability. I believe inner confidence will reflect outer confidence. 

Clothing and accessories can transform how you walk into a room. If you want a head-turning introduction, make sure you’re dressed sharp AF. By sharp, I don’t mean business casual or wearing a pencil skirt. You need to find clothing that is both stylish and makes you feel right at home. This is different for everybody. But you’ll know exactly what I mean when you hit it right. One problem I had growing up was seeing all these gorgeous, paper-thin models dawn styles I could only imagine wearing on online catalogues. Or models with the biggest boobs or hips. I would think, “Wow, that looks amazing! I can soooo pull that off.” Only to have that same outfit go halfway down my waist in the fitting room. Most of the outfits I envisioned that would look good on me just looked awkward AF. Be mindful that most clothing is fitted on a specific body type. Everyone’s body is different, which means the style, type, texture, and colour of clothing will range in what makes you feel the most confident. Most people would probably be surprised to learn that I struggled to find my own style— and that it’s still something I’m actively exploring. Ever since I was in college, the one comment I got reoccurring was that “I was very put together” or “I had great style.” Was it because I spent hours labouring over what I would wear and finetuning my outfits? No. It’s because I found my style early on and bought pieces that reflected it. That way, whatever I pulled out of my wardrobe accentuated my frame and confidence.

One of my quirks is that I hate loose clothing (except on Fridays or when I don’t have my life together). I like my clothes nearly skin tight and hugging my thin frame for dear life. I am not very well endowed in the chest area, but you can bet your ass I am wearing those deep V necks anyways. I love simple, dainty gold jewelry because it accentuates my minimalist looks. For you, it might look like a loose but ironed crisp white blouse with big, chunky jewelry and black booties. You need to go experiment and find your style. In terms of colours, I love a solid all-black or white look. I don’t do well in pastels. Get outfits that make you feel ready to slay the day (this Gen Z terminology is catching up on me).

– Final step – Get out of your box! –

I started writing this article because the concept of feminism has been close to my heart for a long time, despite not knowing it. I always cared about “human rights,” but I chose to only focus on issues like long-standing geopolitical tensions, war strategy, nuclear weapons, and all the traditionally “manly” stuff. This stuff is magnified in the media, therefore, became the “sexier” thing to study, more so than woman’s health and HIV rates in developing countries. However, there’s always been a topic that’s invoked a kind of outrage I’ve spoken about to few. That is human trafficking. I’ve always been appalled why this still exists and why women were still being kidnapped, tortured, and drugged to become essentially slaves to men. It also never made sense to me why two women born into the same world would lead to such drastically different fates simply based on geographical location (i.e. North America vs South Asia). Learning about how ruthlessly women can be treated worldwide can be traumatizing, which is why most of us choose to turn the other way.

This is what I did for most of my life— turn the other way. I fully supported men and women who would speak out about feminism, but deep down, I never wanted to be political. As I spoke about in my last post, my goal in life was to be unnoticeable as possible. Keep my head down, don’t disturb anyone’s peace, or give anyone any reason to dislike me. I didn’t particularly enjoy the radical butch label that came with feminist tropes in the media.

Today, I want to believe I’m a “born-again feminist.” Despite being extremely uncomfortable, I’m dedicated to working on exploring my existence as a woman/female in a patriarchal society. Through self-education, therapy, and sharing what I’ve learned here. Heck, I hate even using the P word. I never wanted to acknowledge that being a woman had any disadvantages. I believed dwelling on these difficult subjects would do no good and only slow me down in my pursuit of building legitimacy in the world.

Last week I was having dinner with my partner, and I suddenly burst aloud that I wanted to freeze my eggs. He looked at me kind of surprised and mumbled out some excuses of why it was bad (i.e. time, cost..etc). I said, “Well, it all depends on my career. I don’t anticipate being where I want to be in 5 years…” There’s a really small percentage of women that can fully succeed in their careers and also raise children at the same time. He referenced his mother, a teacher for 35 years— “Looks, she’s been able to do it.” Automatically, I found myself discrediting being an elementary teacher as a career— even though it’s one of the toughest and most needed jobs out there. “Yeah, but it’s not the type of career where you have to climb and overextend yourself. I will be up against very competent, young, and healthy men.” These are real thoughts I have buried beneath a glass of Pinot Gray.

Women often don’t talk about the feeling of being on a timeline to prove themselves. Men can still be dating in their 30s, but some women believe that if they’re still single and childless by 30, they’re basically stale. And this is something society inflicts on them. Young men, even immature men in their 30s, look at women in that age range with caution, “Oh, she wants to settle down too fast.” Well, guess what, you’re looking at a woman that knows exactly what she wants. She probably has her check books balanced and two investment properties, and what do you have to your name?

Most men would rather go for a pretty, young, naive 20-something that they can control. Men love to feel like they’re in control; the protectors, the providers, and the one that holds all the cards. Young 20-somethings with little to their name except a college degree does that for them. Men don’t realize this, but trying to date a young twenty-something, most of the time—doesn’t work out. A young 20-something often doesn’t have the emotional or life maturity to grit through a long-term relationship. They’ll likely develop disagreements about things as she matures, finding her own place in the world. Things that she was willing to let slide early in the relationship. I say that because when I look at myself, regardless of how mature I think I am, I know there are some things I just don’t know. I know that concerning relationships, I have many flaws.

As a young girl looking at the prospects of dating an older, “mature” man, it can be tempting and desirable. However, be compassionate with yourself when you can’t seem to see eye to eye with the other person. This is completely normal. And if things don’t work out, know that it’s not always their fault or yours—it probably wasn’t the right time for you two. Timing is important— I would say even essential to the varying degrees a relationship might succeed.

Instead of dwelling on why you didn’t get into the boy’s club at work or find the man of your dreams at 25— I encourage all women to find a community of women that they can stand with instead of on top of. There are pockets of women everywhere that share the same common pains, confusion, and lostness that so many of us keep hidden from ourselves. There is a common understanding between women that comes out in various situations (i.e. meeting your BFF in the club bathroom or gossiping in the powder room at a boring networking event). 

There’s a sentiment of “I want to help.” There’s a communal sense of nurture and love, even if it’s a complete stranger. I want you to get out of your blinders occasionally and try to connect with a few women a month. They can be women you see on social media and find inspirational or great, loyal friends from the past. Instead of always trying to burrow into a place where you feel like you don’t belong, turn towards the enigmatic light that all women carry deep within. Like flashlights in a dark room, you’ll find that the more that light up together, the more the world turns from darkness to light.