3 Times Throwing in the Towel Brought me More Joy

Most of us have grown up living with the fear of failure. It’s beaten into us at an early age.

When I was maybe in the third grade, I remember nearly drowning the first time I dived off the board at my local swimming pool. In that moment, no one else existed. It was just me against the water. As I desperately tried to bob my head out of the water, I felt it going through my nostrils and the increase of pressure pounding against my fragile lungs.

All to pass a test.

Year 4 of elementary school was the beginning of the grading system. I received an embarrassing amount of C+ and Cs, especially for a young girl who was only used to getting Gs (for good), and an occasional S (for satisfactory). That afternoon, I walked home with a heavy cloud of trepidation for not knowing how my mom would react to the news. Ah, report card day. Luckily she was more understanding than I assumed.

The point here is that we were never taught as kids that failure was essential. It was more like a deadly sin we had to stay away from at all costs.

Part I: Jobs

Don’t quit. Dig your heels in and stay put. Even if it means staying in the same place for eons. After the pandemic broke out, I was laid off from my part-time job in hospitality. To be precise, I was a barista at the convention centre. My father breathed a sigh of relief— he never particularly enjoyed the fact that I lived the stereotype of a typical Bachelor of Arts student. Not understanding the fact that the job provided me with valuable friends (whom I still love and talk to, today) and valid work experience. My father had his eyes set on me on the next thing—he wanted me to become a manager at a clinic, eventually. “What are you going to do? Work at the coffee shop forever?”

My god, did he have low ambitions for me.

And so he got me a job at the dental clinic. This was, what I viewed as a privilege that was given to me based on connection only. I had zero experience in managing books or doing account receivables, but I learned pretty aptly in the next six months. However, my father’s intent of me becoming a manager was way far off on the horizon, and it was not a job I particularly coveted. 

Six months later, when the shininess of learning a new skill weaned off, I was left with a distinct feeling of emptiness. Dull eyes, faceless expressions, same shit —day in and day out. I was known as the girl who lacked expression —and this wasn’t the first time either. In the hospitality industry, my ‘poker face’ never really cut it for management. They wanted me to smile and be pretty. When I failed to do so, I was immediately taken off the good list and reprimanded for “not appearing as if I loved my job”.

The only thing that kept me going was planning for my first solo trip to Europe, and the program I was so fascinated by. As soon as my flights were booked, I gave in my notice the month prior. You can say I took off, and never looked back.

You might wonder what the point of this story is. Many of us go through plenty of jobs in the timespan before we graduate and shortly after. For perfectionists, it’s hard to let go because you perceive it as ‘quitting’, and “no one likes a quitter.” That feeling you get from thinking about quitting digs into your subconsciousness like sharp metal. Guilt.

There’s always ample guilt. You start to feel bad for your employers because they took a chance with you or invested time in you.

For most of my life, I wrote this dangerous narrative about myself: that I wasn’t a good employee. I was unstable, unable to keep a job for more than a year. Never stopping once to think whether it was the fact that I took on the most basic, easy jobs I could find in my earlier youth as a way to make money—not for passion. If I had put myself in front of the stand for every single thing I was not interested in, you can bet I would probably be in jail for a long, long time.

This past year has taught me that experience and wisdom buys you more options. It’s more difficult to say no when you’re starting from a blank slate. Part of maturity is the gain in self-trust. That trust allows you to leave environments that are no longer nurturing your growth. It allows you to step back and reevaluate what’s next. It gives you permission to start over or to pursue something completely new or balls-crazy.

If you’re not succeeding in your career, there are a few reasons why:

• It’s challenging; there’s a steep learning curve involved or certain obstacles you’re having trouble overcoming without assistance
• It’s unmotivating; you’re simply uninterested in doing the job
• It’s toxic; the people you’re around don’t make you feel great on the inside, they’re unsupportive, catty, negative..etc.
• It doesn’t align with your values; the core interests of the organization you work for don’t sit right with what you truly value.

Here’s my advice.

If it’s challenging, stay on and do your best to learn. It might feel like a steep mountain to scale, but this experience will teach you many things, including resilience and transferable skills you will use later on in your life/career.

If it’s unmotivating, pinpoint the root cause. Are you bored? Are there projects you can perhaps create or negotiate with your boss that is more personally fulfilling for you? Only if there’s truly nothing to be done, and you’ve exhausted all your options, then should you entertain the thought of leaving.

If it’s toxic, leave.

If it doesn’t align with your values, leave. It’s not going to work out in the long run anyways.

Although quitting your job feels like a huge leap of faith—your journey is far from over. I get it, regardless of how much you shit talk work sometimes, there’s a reason you stayed so long. There must be some reason (this can be some aspect of the work you love, the cause of the work, financial security, relationships..or a mix of these things). But if there’s a feeling that’s eating away at you, that this is just not enough”, don’t try to push it down. Instead, examine why you feel this way. Get curious.

I, myself constantly suffer because I get stuck in the place between moving on and feeling ungrateful. What I mean by this, is that I get in my own way by dwelling on the fact I should be happy with what I have.

Well, it’s time to break your own bubble. Your own ceiling. We stay in the wrong careers, and in the wrong relationships way past their due date because we’ve subconsciously created a ceiling for ourselves. “I should be happy with this”. If you’re not content with where you are in life, it doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful for what you have. It simply means you value your own desires enough and have enough self-belief to make bigger things happen.

Because employers ideally want their employees to stay on as long as possible (it reduces time and cost), they’ve crafted certain reward systems in the form of stock options or raises, to incentivize us to stay longer..and longer…

You have to remember that your desire to leave is not a reflection of your poor work ethic, but it’s simply a natural way of telling you it’s time to move on. You’re not growing here anymore.  Humans crave growth— that’s how it’s always been, and why we have the technology and complexity we have today.

People hit this realization in their 20s, 30s, and even 40s and 50s. They climbed the corporate ladder for so long, or they’ve pursued a certain career stream and finally see some success. Only to realize that they’re no longer the same person they were 5 or 10 years ago. They want different— they want more. By MORE I don’t necessarily mean a bigger paycheck, but sometimes people crave a different type of lifestyle. Maybe it’s fewer hours, more freedom, more time with the kids, better relationships..etc.

To give an example, many highly successful people struggle with maintaining long-term relationships because their sole focus has been on the work for so long. But they reach a certain age and realize that they’re all alone, and only then, does the pain click in. The pain of having everything they’ve dreamt of achieving and more, but feeling utterly alone.

They say when one door closes, another one opens. I have never found this not to be true.

Part II: Relationships (that should have ended sooner)

Spring, 2020, Vancouver

The first time he pulled up at my doorstep, I watched his slim frame get out of the car to give me a big hug. Like a gentleman, he would get out of his seat to open the door for me— at least the first couple of times. He had a spotless white Honda, but the one with a stout tail and a sporty design. Trevor (not his real name) wore these piercing pair of sterling grey contacts and a head of soft, jet-black hair. His voice was almost as gentle as a whisper.

He was a stable man. Good career, had just bought a brand new condo in an upcoming area, and his body language and vocabulary dripped with affection. The kind of man who was well-traveled, had a skincare routine, and only bought Dyson products.

One night, two weeks after we started seeing each other,  he told me to close my eyes. He rummaged around in the master bedroom for a good five minutes before coming out. When he told me to open my eyes I saw that he was holding a small jewellery box. My first thought was “Oh god I hope it’s not..” but before I could finish that thought he assured me it wasn’t what I thought.

Inside the little box, rested a dainty necklace with a crescent-shaped crystal. It was obviously cheap, considering he got it in the market in Thailand. But he told me he was saving it for the right girl (I’ll let you decide the authenticity of that statement). That night he asked me to be his girlfriend and I agreed.

So he’s doting, adulting, considerate, and cooks for god sake—what could possibly go wrong?

In plain words, it just wasn’t enough. This relationship is an example of how you can have many pieces of the puzzle, but if a few essential parts are missing, it’s not going to work. 

So much of our lives we try to get away with 50%, 75%, or 95%. We tell ourselves it’s going to be okay because at least he does this, or he doesn’t do this. We even look towards other relationships in a judging manner— “Well, thank god at least we’re not like that.”

Yet, there’s this pressing, nagging feeling that sits at the bottom of your stomach.

The thing was, with this relationship I never tried to suppress anything. I felt what I felt and I expressed how I felt. I laid everything out neatly in a document he could have been able to understand. Of course, at the moment he said he would do anything to comply or to make it work. He would try to change his ways. Weeks would go by, and nothing would really change. So I threw in the towel.

And this freedom granted me a new life.

Trevor was a safety net during a time when the world was chaotic and uncertain. But after the chaos subsided I knew I needed to break free and find my own way, without the security of a man to protect me. Regaining my independence and deloading from a relationship that was constantly consuming, resulting in a profound sense of joy. It was perhaps the first time I gave myself closure from a relationship. I cried, I missed him, I expressed my real thoughts, and what he said back didn’t really bear any more weight on my conscience.

To those on the fence about staying/leaving a relationship, stop letting things just happen to you. You’re waiting for the “right time”, or you’re waiting for one of you to move away, or for the other party to break up with you. You walk through life passively, because you don’t value your own needs enough to walk. I say this not to scrutinize, but because I understand. I’ve probably battled this same dilemma tens of times. But now I look back at the time “I wasted”, and realize it was actually important lessons gained. 

Part III: Perfectionism

Most people in my life would describe me as nonchalant and carefree. Recently, I picked up a book called “The Mask of Masculinity” by Lewis Howes. You may have heard of him, as he’s a pretty famous public figure. It wasn’t until his 30s, even after all the external success he experienced, did he feel the need to work on himself and his definition of manhood. In the book, he breaks down in grueling detail, the 9 different masks men tend to wear. Although I do not identify as a man, I felt myself relating deeply to some of the masks he was describing. Although the mask I’m about to mention was not in the book, it’s one that I’ve learned to wear well.

The mask of nonchalance was one I’ve worn since I was in high school. Because of my unconventional past (being in and out of the hospital), I was very ashamed of who I was, so I subconsciously tried not to stand out like a sore thumb and to be the person that everyone liked. I was mild, nice, and unopinionated, and never got in anyone’s way. I quietly got the highest grades in most of my classes, ran club activities, and even started a business from a class project.

I always strived to be as uncompetitive as possible. That’s because, in reality, the only person I was competing with was myself. 99%? Not good enough. 99 pounds? Not good enough. I drove myself to the brink of insanity because of the desire to be a certain weight. After going from a C student to straight As, I had my eyes set on having the ‘perfect’ figure, the six-pack abs at the ripe age of 12.

I would stay up until 3 am to piece together a biology project or reiterate my exam notes for the 15th time. I would pace the room for half an hour, read Harry Potter(which I hated), and work out twice a day.

No longer do I recognize that person— in some ways, you can say I gave up on perfectionism.

Today:

I will go to bed and wake up early to finish something. 

I realize that sometimes 90% done is better than none.

Waiting too long to start can be your greatest destruction.

Failing fast is better than never starting.

Overcoming my perfectionism tendencies has allowed me to:

• Take risks and learn from them
• Be extremely good with deadlines (no procrastination)
• Gain more self-love and respect
• Love exercise and strengthening my body
• By 24, had pursued 2-3 different careers
• Discover and indulge in all different types of food
• Gain more inner peace
• Leaving unhealthy relationships

Although perfectionism sneaks its way in the form of criticism, negative thoughts, and worriedness, I regularly work through my mental processes with my therapist. Sometimes you don’t even realize you think or behave a certain way until you step outside of yourself and evaluate. I find that it always helps to have a third perspective in that regard. If you don’t have the means to get a therapist, journaling or reading books designed to help people deal with perfectionism can be a way of looking inwards. “The Gift of Imperfection” by Brene Brown and “Self Compassion” by Kristen Neff, are often recommended— I’ve read the latter myself, and listened to Brown’s popular podcast.

Throwing in the last towel— the towel of perfectionism, you can say, gave me more freedom from my own mental jail. Although peace is a work in progress, each year unlocks a greater sense of courage and self-affirmation. Courage is key because, without it, it’s hard to move on or to actually finish any of the things we set out to do.

I’ve learned from my very short time on this planet that life can deliver a lot of physical, mental, and/or spiritual pain. But often those who have endured heavy impediments to their growth, and are still able to push forward and overcome, are the ones that can truly savor prosperity. Prosperity in relationships, wealth, health, and life 💛