How to be Passionately Single this Season

You might think what could a person happily in a relationship know about the merits of being single? Do you even remember such a time?

The truth is I do. And although having a healthy, loyal, and secure relationship can help you grow and flourish; I truly believe that going through a single era was necessary, because it’s only made me more appreciative of the relationship I have today.

I was never lucky enough to be in secure relationships. Like many, I was fascinated with the idea of love at an early age, but never had the confidence to pursue it wholeheartedly. Love became like a distant fantasy, and I floated between mismatches and emotionally unavailable men.

It got to the point where to feel more powerful, I evaded my emotions when it came to dating. And there were plenty of times I got caught in my own trap. Deep down, I think everyone wants to be loved. But why is love so hard sometimes?

Semantics of Singleness

Love is hard because we don’t know how to love ourselves. Most of us can’t bear being alone, so we lose ourselves in the company of others.

The idea of singleness itself generally arouses the semantics of “loneliness’. Yet, being single for a period of time, particularly if you’ve recently exited a relationship can draw out your biggest demons. But hold on, there’s a silver lining to this (read till the end).

I believe we all are made up of energy— well according to physics, it’s a combination of kinetic (active) and potential (resting) energy. When we enter into relationships, take on obligations at work, and devote time to extracurriculars, we’re always in a give-and-exchange relationship with external forces. From some of those activities, you will receive, if not the same, more energy than you give, putting you in an energy-positive state. This is that feeling of “thriving” — when you’re doing all the things you want to do, but you don’t feel drained.

Now the opposite occurs when you expend energy on things that don’t give you energy, and instead, robs it. My dating life existed in this paradigm for the longest time. Constantly taking and consuming my energy. It wasn’t until 2021 when I made the decision to stay single until I was 25 and focus on building my career that I truly witnessed how beautiful being single could be (of course, things change).

If you’re looking for a resource to help steer you away from energy demons, make sure you check out my free Red Flag Checklist, here.

Being Single Draws Out the Necessary Demons

I ought to say that the beginning of my single journey was extremely questionable. Love is really like a drug, when you go through withdrawals, the symptoms can be devastating. Some find comfort face deep in their pillows and Netflix movies. As for myself, I chased “looking great”, confidence, and flipping through men like the latest issue of Vogue.

Though I “looked” like I had freed up my energy from the relationship and was “living my best life”, in reality, I was battling my own demons for the first year or so of being single. Being alone was hard then, and it is still now. This is why I consumed myself with distractions.

When I look back at those times, I put myself in several situations that could have been prevented if I didn’t behave as recklessly as I did. None of this activity fueled my energy, instead, it gave me quick hits of a drug I thought I didn’t miss. Not only so, it gave men access to my mind and body that shouldn’t have had it in the first place.

Now, there is a light at the end of this tunnel… I promise.

Thriving and Single…Yet Not Without its Flaws

In the spring of 2021, I had just gotten into an internship program which I was ecstatic about. I was studying international diplomacy, negotiation, and war strategy in real-world settings. I was passionate about it. I also had a steady job at the dental clinic as a bookkeeper, which at that time was a pretty good part-time job for a college student.

Having ended a draining relationship earlier that year, I was proud of myself for knowing what I wanted and ending it when they weren’t the right one. There was a sense of hope and optimism in the air, and I was for once, happily single and focused on the opportunities in front of me. 

A couple of months later I met someone online, and immediately, my curiosity leaped at the chance for some excitement and danger. The year we spent together was probably the healthiest casual relationship I ever had. For once, it was a mutually beneficial arrangement, as opposed to the one-sided affairs I was accustomed to. The boundaries were set from the start, and not only did I have euphoric degrees of fun and learned about the world through their unique lens, but I got to simultaneously pursue my future.

During my single era, I traveled to Europe by myself, having the trip of a lifetime, two times over. I went to Paris twice, once staying in one of the ambassador’s flats as a courtesy of an invite from a close friend. I filled my belly with sangria and fresh seafood in the coastal towns of Spain and sailed across the Mediterranean sea with new friends. And of course, an abundance of fun and spontaneous nights with kind strangers.

Being single allowed me to expand my world, because often when you’re in a relationship you get extremely comfortable just spending time and traveling with one person (which also has its merits). But what you lose out on is the opportunity to meet important connections and lifelong friends. I definitely met connections I couldn’t have otherwise if I was coupled up at the time.

Singleness changes you, and sometimes for the better. I truly believe that happily single people are the most secure. And by that I mean, they’re not actively avoiding relationships. When they’re ready to get into a relationship, they understand that just because their life is now intertwined with another, it doesn’t mean their own life—hobbies, friends, and career, has to take a side-step. Of course, if you decide to get into a relationship—compromises must be made as we all have the same 24 hours a day.  What’s more important is that you don’t mix up your identity, with the identity of others. And you should never compromise your values for a relationship.

Let’s normalise Wanting

I think people who end up single a little later in life tend to put up a barrier when it comes to dating. This is because society has constructed this idea that you’re supposed to find a life partner by 30, which is especially prevalent for women. Some people have exhausted their dating neurons in their early-mid twenties, and perhaps just want a break from it all.

It’s sometimes hard to admit that we want a partner, yet it’s been so difficult to find someone who we feel completely aligned with. Wanting is a very normal feeling. But you have to identify what it is you truly want. Sometimes we want the people that aren’t good for us long term, but “feel good” in the moment.

You may have noticed that throughout the period I was single—I wasn’t alone. I still yearned for the company of others, but I eventually did this in a somewhat healthy fashion.

1. I was clear I didn’t want to be in a relationship.
2. I made sure the relationship exchange was mutually beneficial.

Of course, I wasn’t without flaws. I hurt a person in the process of my pursuit of selfishness. This isn’t for everyone, but personally, I had to go through a phase of being unapologetically selfish. I wanted everything, and for once I felt like I had it. But that glorious feeling came at a huge cost for some.

I just want to say that it’s okay to want love and feel frustrated when it seems like the right one hasn’t come along yet. Regardless of your appearance, intellect, or accomplishments, finding a life partner can be difficult. In fact, it’s sometimes the people with the highest degrees of these aspects that have the hardest time, simply, because not a lot of people are on their wavelength.

In the meantime, I would say: work on yourself, develop your existing relationships, and find something that truly fulfills you. When you truly love yourself to the core, your light will bring others to you.

Keep staying patient and keep building the best life for yourself.

Final Words: Work on It

Another note that I want to make is that relationships don’t pop out of anywhere. Like anything you have to work on it and that sometimes requires putting yourself out there, and pushing yourself to do things that are extremely uncomfortable. If you’re self-conscious about your appearance and it’s preventing you from going out on dates, or asking people out, this is the hurdle you’re going to have to get over.

Trust me, someone that has a mediocre appearance, but an outstanding personality, humor, or intellect is going to surpass someone who’s extremely attractive but has a disgusting personality. Level yourself up in the areas where it’s plausible.

Conclusion

To my fellow single friends, don’t let another consumerism-made holiday give you the spookies. I know there can be a lot of pressure to be in a relationship or to even be “seeing” someone, but know that it’s completely up to you whether you want that this season or not. Know the difference between genuine disinterest and fear. If you’re genuinely disinterested in dating at the moment, I implore you to keep living your best life. If you’re curious about dating but fear it at the same time, I encourage you to work on it and explore why. Think of it as yet another challenge you can work on overcoming. In the end, I really think good, stable, healthy relationships can contribute to a lot of character development and bring beautiful rewards you can’t get otherwise.

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