The Most Helpful Advice I Would Give My 20-Year-Old Self

On my 19th birthday, I woke up in my dorm room filled with balloons. My friends had put together a little surprise for me, in which each balloon was attached to a kind note from every person on my floor. I was struck with such elatedness which translated to a lot of screaming. Then, I partied my ass off (which I don’t remember the rest of).

On my 20th birthday, I remember crying hysterically. Turning 20 was for some reason such a scary event for me internally. And if you’re reading this in your mid-twenties, thirties, or late thirties, you’re probably scoffing at me, pleaseee welcome to life darling.

In a month I will be turning 24. And if there’s one piece of advice I would give myself two or three years ago, is that your dreams can change and they can also be put on hold.

More often than not, people deviate from what they originally thought they would be doing at a certain age. There are many unexpected things that can come up which can either prolong your original plan or steer you in another direction. 

I’m a huge believer in saying yes to different opportunities that intrigue you. A lot of us are locked in on the idea that the only way to become successful at something is if we stick it out in one career lane until we become a VP or a C-Suite. Shifting from one opportunity to the next is seen as something negative, and even embarrassing. It’s fine to shift jobs in the same niche, but it’s not okay to jump niches because then you just appear inconsistent.

Let me be honest here.

I loved what I studied in school. However, I’m aware I was far from the top of the class. There were students I saw that were far more talented and determined than me and we’re designed to go on and do their masters and get an internship at the WHO or UN.

It was not in my plans to pursue my Master’s at all. Instead, I went to Europe, and when I came back I spent a month looking for entry-level jobs in the political science realm. Some applications, I kid you not, require 3 different academic references and take around a year to get back to you (I’m just getting my rejection letters now! Hah.) Factually, like many others exiting college, I found it difficult to get a job straight off the bat.

This year I did something completely different than what I thought I would be doing. But in the process, I also discovered I had developed new dreams.

Being honest with what I want at this age

There’s this narrative that I think has been ingrained in us since we were kids. Work hard now, and relax later. It’s supposed to teach us discipline and delayed gratification.

In reality what this tends to breed is immense anxiety, chronic stress, and borderline exhaustion. There are way more people on anxiety and depression medication than any generation, even though economically speaking, we’re doing pretty darn well.

“You’re not worthy of taking a break”

“You don’t work hard enough”

“ You need to work more”

“You don’t deserve nice things”

These are common thoughts that people develop when they base their entire lives around that narrative of “Work hard, relax later.”

Why hasn’t anyone taught us to actually enjoy what we’re doing, and to bear the rewards of that hard work on a daily basis?

Instead of living on a shoestring budget, is it not better to find smarter ways to make more money in the same amount of time, than to scrounge up every dollar we have?

I’m a huge believer that pleasure is not only natural but essential to the quality of life. But when we endlessly pursue pleasure, that’s when we run into problems. Pleasure is meant to be consumed in small doses.

Pleasure is experienced differently by people. Some people experience pleasure through play, while others experience it through nature, knowledge, adventure, gastronomy, sex, or entertainment.

The things that brought you joy as a child will probably still bring you joy in different variations. I used to fill my notebooks full of pencil drawings as a kid; today I have a love for anything visual or artistic, and that’s how I like to learn best.

I think there’s so much fear created around the concept of comfort that we end up existing in a state of paralysis. We constantly live in tension because we believe that is the only way to survive.

“If I’m not the best, I’m nothing.”

This is a lot of anxiety to take on so early on in your career.

I believe that our circumstances shape us as people and force us to behave in certain ways. If you grew up really poor in a first-world, developed country, you might be enticed to work extremely hard to get yourself out of poverty—but even far beyond that. 

However, I do think with all things controlled, humans follow a natural course of development. You wouldn’t expect your 16-year-old self to understand some of the things you do now. And part of this rush in your early twenties pertains to feeling like you have to know everything when in reality, you probably don’t know half the things you will when you turn 30.

The point is everything, including those nights and days you think you “wasted” is actually part of a greater picture. If you hadn’t done X, you would have realized Z or met Y which now contributes to who you are today.

I think looking back at how your mindset has developed and assessing the areas of your life that have improved is a better barometer for contentment, than what exactly you have achieved. The pleasure we get from achievement (ie. winning an award, being featured in something) tends to fade rather quickly as opposed to our own confidence and self-assurance.

I’ll give you a personal example. I feel guilty and even lazy for wanting a comfortable life right now. Acknowledging that maybe what I want at this point in my life is to have a stable and fun career, spend my Summers in Italy eating my body weight in pasta and playing by the crisp Mediterranean ocean, and spending lots of time with my boyfriend. It’s okay to have no desire to build an empire or work in heavy-duty politics.

Giving myself permission to want what I want at this point in time, is something I struggle with on a daily basis. 

But on working hard, there’s a significant point I want to mention.

Live by the 80/20 rule

If you want to be successful in a certain area in life, you have to work for it. And sometimes even the work you don’t feel like doing now will pay great dividends in the future. Invest in building specific skills that will always be in demand and become an absolutely indispensable weapon. What’s fun about learning skills is that you can get create and put your own spin on it to appeal to a specific kind of niche. 

But working towards something doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice everything else— be it, your relationships, your health..etc.

What’s the point of life?

Is it to constantly live under the burden of work and your own scrutiny, or is it to work hard and genuinely love the life you’ve created?

I prefer the latter. And I truly think the 20% of the time you allocate to non-work related activities can act as a source of replenishment and help you feel satiated enough to keep going.

I first heard of the 80/20 rule a diet regime from one of my favorite Australian supermodels of all time, Miranda Kerr (who is obviously insanely in shape). She also talks about how having an active sex life was crucial to the maintenance of her ab muscles 🙂

Don’t jeopardize your sanity for anyone or any cause

I can be a fanatically passionate person when it comes to work or relationships. But sometimes, attaching too much of your identity to a role can consume you in ways that are not healthy for yourself or the people around you.

You can transfer that passion into your work, but also have periods of time where you can turn off your screen and leave work in its place.

Don’t overcomplicate anything in your life. Simplicity and consistency is the key to getting big results.

We spend much of our energy either thinking about what we should be doing or making decisions. How about you reduce that energy and conserve it for the more important stuff?

If something is hurting your mental capacity for a prolonged period of time, get up, and go. Trust me, it’s not the end of the world.

You Can Make Your Own Rules

If you don’t want to work a 9-5, get a remote, flexible job. If you don’t want to work at all, make a plan that allows you to generate an income passively, even if it may require a lot of grunt work in the beginning.

The point is, coming out of college you have a lot more flexibility in your choices. You can choose where to apply for work, what skills you want to pick up on the side, what slide hustles you want to start, and whether you want to create a pet-influencer account or not.

You have endless options but the best way to go about it is to pick just one and go for it. And if you have more capacity, pick up another one.

The greatest power you have in your twenties is that you make the decisions for yourself, and you’re not responsible for anyone else.

Even if you work for someone else, you can be the CEO of your own life. You can map out your own trajectory and work towards accomplishing all the things you want to in your twenties and beyond.

There is so much of our lives we can control, but often we focus on only the things we can’t. To get unstuck from that mind framework, we have to convince ourselves that we can dictate the path of our future. For example, if you wanted to gain muscle mass, you can’t change your genetics if you’re naturally smaller built. But you can say to yourself, “I’m going to carve out an hour a day to go the gym and follow a consistent, balanced, protein-rich diet.” Taking action and accountability for your own life is how you’re going to get results in the long run.

Conclusion

In your early twenties, every event can feel a little dramatic and amplified. Every plot twist or corner we come across, we want to slither back into our safe houses like a rattlesnake being stepped on.

There are going to be times when you have shed the identity you clung to for so long, and there will be elements of loss that comes with that. There will also be a fair amount of melancholy and confusion, and ‘identity crises’. However, on the flip side, you will build more resilience as you go through these adversities, and you’ll begin to see changes as opportunities.

If there’s one thing I could say to my 20-year-old self, is to learn self-compassion and be patient with yourself and the life you have. Learning the art of self-compassion will help you develop the resilience you need to face the challenges in the days to come.