The Real Secret Behind True Love

I used to think of love like it was in the movies. Love was supposed to be filled with desire, almost to a point of danger.

At 23 years old, I finally realized that love, like everything else I preached, is a habit. If you choose to commit to loving someone, that love will grow deeper and fonder over time. It’s even normal to go through periods of time where you feel “out of love.”

Love is like a burning furnace, you have to keep feeding it wood for it to sustain itself through the long winters.

When I took the attachment test from Attached, I found out I was 50/50 Avoidant/Anxious. The avoidant personality is always seeking the “perfect” partner and tends to break off relationships because they’re quick to find flaws in just about everyone. To check out what I learned about attachment theory and my own relationships, read here.

Truthfully, there is no such thing as perfection. And even if you do find someone close to perfection in your subjective definition—it doesn’t mean that you will actually be compatible with them or love them.

Love for me is a combination of deep gratitude and toleration. You love the person so much that you seek to understand their perspective (tolerate), even when it doesn’t fully align with yours. You also feel this deep, inexplicable feeling of appreciation that arise throughout the most spontaneous moments, like when they do something small but kind, or they give off a quirk that you find either insanely hilarious or delectable.

If you’re single and constantly catching yourself having thoughts of what it would be like to find “true love”, I urge you to be patient. The first person you should love is always yourself, and sometimes we’re not always in the place to give or receive that kind of love. Readiness differs between individuals and where they are at with themselves. Plus, you just never know where love will come from.

What’s the difference between love and catching feelings?

I mentioned that love is like a habit. What if you’re ‘casually’ seeing someone and you begin to like them a little too much?

Here’s the difference between catching feelings and love. Love is sustainable, catching feelings is usually not.

If you were to get into a fight with this individual over something, or feel rejected in some way, how easy would it be for you to slam the door in their face?

If you could walk away tomorrow, this probably isn’t love.

Love is forgiving.

You know that a disagreement is not indicative of the end. You’re able to sacrifice your pride because the last thing you want is to lose this person over a small quibble.

True love takes a longer time, but is more enduring

Unlike the movies, most of the time love is not at first sight. It may take some people years to actually feel confident that they’re in love with someone (myself included!).

But once this love is confirmed, it’s hard to break.

Often individuals feel pressured to be “in love” at the beginning stages of a relationship. When they don’t feel it immediately, they discredit the relationship or the person, regardless of how kind, caring, and healthy it is.

We expect fireworks all the time, but true love is more like calm waves. It has its ebbs and flows, but it remains consistent and steady through time.

Because we’ve been sold this false narrative of what love should look and feel like, many of us enter into quick, toxic relationships to curb our desire to feel desired and uncertain at the same time. We chase the rush of newness and uncertainty.

And honestly, it’s quite entertaining which is why it’s hard for people to leave this phase.

You Can Choose Who You Want to Love

Love takes effort. And if you choose to invest your effort into unhealthy relationships, you’re always going to be stuck in a state of internal turmoil.

You can choose security, health, loyalty, and tenderness.

Another myth that people buy into is that you fall in love with what’s “forbidden”.

Again, another thing that’s emphasized in the movies.

When you go for what’s forbidden, you’re chasing some type of preconceived desire. Desire is not the same thing as love.

We can all desire certain people, personalities, or body types, but it doesn’t mean we’re going to have a long and enduring love or relationship with them.

Plenty of times in my early twenties have I gone for men based on preconceived desires. But it was more so based on my own insecurities than anything.

Looks fade, but the way someone treats and unconditionally loves you doesn’t.

Choose wisely about who you want to invest time into, Because inevitably if you invest in the wrong types, you will begin to absorb their habits and ethics. I’ve done things I’m not proud of because I surrounded myself with people that didn’t have the highest virtues.

Conclusion

We’ve been sold a dangerous story about the “game” of love. If we’ve invested the same amount of time we did playing games, trying to make uninterested candidates like us, or trying to be desirable by others’ standards into ourselves, we would soon realize the truth.

Love is not supposed to be a hazard. True love is where you feel the safest and most comfortable expressing your truest self. It has a tight grip and is enduring, even if it may take longer to build.