Why I go to Therapy for Emotional Regulation

Have you ever felt a burst of anger in your lungs, so much so that tears start to well up in your eyes? Something in your life, maybe a person or an event triggered these hyperarousal emotions to go off.

You end up snapping at a colleague for something small and leaving a bad mark on your reputation. Later, you go home and you can’t seem to get this anger off your chest, all you want to do is punch and scream.

These nasty emotions arise from time to time and they can be a whole lot of work to process and deal with them.

Learning how to emotionally regulate and soothe yourself is a skill in itself. But once learned and practiced consistently, it can add a lot of benefits to our lives. Some of these include less emotional scarring tissue, better relationships, and less workplace conflict.

What is Emotional Regulation?

According to Psychology Today, emotional regulation is defined as, “The ability to exert control over one’s emotional state.”

This is different than suppressing your emotions, and not allowing yourself to feel them, rather, it’s stopping yourself from overreacting to both positive and negative stimuli.

Why is it Important to Regulate my Emotions?

When we constantly react to situations with our emotional instincts, it can hinder us from moving forward. For example, you’re applying for jobs fresh out of college. After 30 applications, you received a couple of rejection letters. You feel disappointment and your emotional reaction is to sulk, and thereby, the following action is you do nothing. You stop looking for opportunities that hinder you from success.

Another example has to do with interpersonal conflicts. If you get into a small argument with your partner, and your first reaction is to retaliate by saying really harmful words, it can leave a permanent mark on the relationship. These are some common examples of why it’s important to make emotional regulation a goal and a priority.

How do I Learn how to Regulate My Emotions?

There are 4 steps to regulating my emotions. These are:

Awareness

Becoming aware of how you feel including on an emotional and physical level. Emotions usually transpire through our physical state -ie. Sweaty palms, heated face, clenched stomach.

Address

Identify what exactly this emotion is by thinking “I feel X.”

Reflect

Analyze what triggered it and what is the root cause.

Is it okay/valid to feel this way?

What are some positive approaches I can go about this, instead of retaliation?

Can I list out an instance where I regretted reacting instantly to a situation, instead of letting myself calm down first?

Deescalate 

Try to do something that brings you out of the state of hyperarousal. First of all—breathe. Try to calm down your nervous system through deep breathing and letting go of physical tension.

Call a friend who can sympathize and understand your emotions. Go for a walk. Pick up a fictional text.

You know exactly what you need when times are turbulent and your emotions are chaotic, whatever it is, do that now.

Notice that actually calming down is the last step in this chain. Have you ever been told to calm down when you were mad? How did you feel?

Probably misunderstood and was even more frustrated.

This is why when we try to regulate our own emotions, it’s important to integrate both reflection and self-compassion into the mix, instead of criticizing ourselves for feeling a certain way.

Self-Compassion: The Hardest Habit

I’ve worked a lot with this concept of self-compassion in my therapy sessions. That’s because, without self-compassion, it’s hard for us to recover as individuals from emotionally traumatic events. These events can range from getting rejected from a job to someone breaking up with you.

If we can’t get back up after a stumble, it’s hard for us to move forward. If we can’t move forward, it’s hard for us to meet our higher self (or potential).

So although your first instinct as an overachiever may be to dismiss self-compassion as weakness or laziness, the opposite is true.

Self compassion = Resiliency

Practice it often, and it can contribute greatly to your goal of becoming an emotionally regulated human.

Now if only I could put that on a bumper sticker 🙂