What I Learned About Myself Through Betrayal

A betrayal is a form of severance of a deep trust or bond between two or more individuals. When it happens, it tends to cut deep on an emotional level, and leads to feelings of distress, embarrassment, anger, grief, and confusion. Sometimes, it happens so out of the blue that we then attribute it to our own oblivion. You ask yourself how could you have missed the red flags? 

Although enduring betrayal can have a huge impact on how we perceive ourselves, I find that the best way to heal from it is choosing to look at our lives from a wider angle. When we’re deeply wounded, it can be easy to zero in on our pain and make every event related to that pain point.

I found that when the anger had finally subsided, I was able to look at the past and my current life with a much more profound sense of gratitude. Maybe part of this outlook comes from my new gratitude journaling practice that I mentioned here.

When you realize that your self-worth and your life are so much more than the power you gave someone else, temporarily, you can move away from a deadly state of pessimism to a place of more vibrant opportunity. 

Here are three things I learned about myself through betrayal:

I Can’t Always be “Tough”

I think when it first happened, I was in clear denial. I always try to justify the other side’s story because that would mean they didn’t ruthlessly hurt me on their own volition.

I remember I was quite busy during this time with work, so I brushed it under the rug. I steadfastly held onto the belief that I didn’t care and I didn’t need anyone.

Over time, I think these characteristics have made up who I am. I had put up walls, intentionally to not really ward others away, but more to protect myself from getting hurt. I’ve heard comments from people like “I feel like you could walk away tomorrow with no remorse.”

The old me would have thought that was exactly how I wanted to be perceived: tough.

But I realized that through this experience, as much as I try to act that way, deep inside I’m a human being with a soft core. Soft as in, I care, I emphasize and I genuinely believe in people and want to love them.

Putting on an act never works, because eventually the truth of how I really feel always comes crashing down like waves. Big ones, too.

I learned I have to embrace myself for who I am and acknowledge that emotions come in waves. We’re never going to “feel” a certain way forever. Even pain is a worthwhile emotion because it makes the best things in our lives feel that much greater.

I’m not going to change who I am for someone else

Sometimes when we’re hurt, we vow to ourselves we’re never going to let this happen to us again. We try to control the situation and how others behave—even absolute strangers. We’re also typically more pessimistic and suspicious of people in general because of the lack of trust we have, ultimately in ourselves to make the right judgment call.

I think when I finally let go of the notion that this was all my fault for not ‘seeing clearly’, it let go of a lot of the weight. 

There are genuine psychos out there guys. People that literally feel no sense of remorse for what they do to people. Would you blame a victim of a random murder for not being more careful when they were walking down the street? Don’t think so.

Bad things happen to people all the time. But it doesn’t have to dictate the way you live moving forward. You don’t have to live in a constant state of fear, reprise, and anger.

As you may or may not know: I’m rather impulsive. I’ve always been this way. I love jumping at the next chance for an adventure. I’ve gotten into strangers’ cars (or motorcycles) in foreign countries, and to my luck, has not ended in a ditch somewhere. To others, it might seem reckless, but I had some pretty spectacular stories from these impulsive encounters.

Now the downside of impulsivity, is you don’t always assess whether a situation is going to pan out for better or worse. When I choose to put my trust in someone, I don’t wonder “I wonder if they’re going to hurt me, betray me..etc”. I kind of just go with the flow.

Yes, I could be more cautious with people, but as I look back at my memories, there were more times when I’ve experienced immense happiness, than devastation. 

Though I could have put a stone wall after this incident, I rather think that life is just a little more fun when you can put a little faith into the people you meet.

I am capable of love

As much of what happened was bad timing, I think the events that happened after made me appreciate the good things in my life that much more. I had moved into a dream apartment close to the things I loved and I had the most supportive and loving person in my life.

I never know how to explain this feeling, but it closely resembles bittersweetness. In contrast to the pain I had endured, the signs of moving forward, and new happenings really counteracted those negative feelings. It’s not to say I never feel negativity, but I’m also equally susceptive to positive influences. I’m just as willing to embrace the feeling of love for friendships, relationships, and life.

I no longer feel insecure or victimized, but rather I believe in my own strength to overcome and achieve even brighter things ahead. 

Conclusion

In the moment, going through an incident of betrayal feels endangering to the soul. But life moves on, and you can’t let someone else hold that power over you forever 

My advice to people going through this is to: look around.

I guarantee you can find at least one person that genuinely loves you to the core. And I also guarantee that there are things in your life that are going better than expected for you.

Learn to love around the entire circle, rather than focus on one negative, energy-zapping incident. 

Never let negative events or people undermine who you are and what you’re capable of.