Security and Love: What I learned from reading Attached

I sat on the sofa, slightly apprehensive about what I was about to say. “I think I tend to want what’s bad for me.” 

A pause.

This was the beginning of a conversation about my somewhat tumultuous history of dating. Not all of it was bad, it’s just the brain likes to hang on to what was really bad.

“And so, what would you tell your younger self, if you could?” My therapist gently prodded.

Another pause.

“I would tell her that it’s going to be okay. And to value herself more.”

I held the paper copy of  Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller for the first time last month. It was one of those reads I couldn’t help but devour in a couple of sittings. This book completely shifted the way I thought about my past relationships and my attachment styles (I’m 50 anxious/50 avoidant), in a way that provided a satisfying sense of closure. As if I had finally accepted and closed a significant chapter of my life.

The part of me that was addicted to the thrill and assumed that love, was associated with the roller-coaster emotions of desire and loss.

Quite frankly, this is how love is portrayed in the movies. (Cue: a montage of Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams in The Notebook). There’s always tension, drama, heartbreak, and an infuriating intoxication of emotions.

In the past, I’ve seen men that were never ready to commit. I use the word ‘seen’ precisely because as much as I wanted it to be, it was never truly close to being a genuine relationship. 

The truth is, for as long as I can remember, I possessed traits that were resembling to the anxious attachment style. This meant when I developed a liking for someone, I fell… hard. In an obsessive kind of way. And we’re taught to feel ashamed of feeling this way. But I’ve come to accept, that some people, as a result of their upbringing, or some sort of biochemical disposition, they’re naturally more anxious.

However, when someone with an anxious attachment style meets a partner that has a secure attachment style; the person is less likely to exhibit any of the anxious tendencies (worrying, overpleasing, intruding, lashing out, jealously..etc). This is because when that person’s need for attention, validation, and love is met, there is no trigger for those anxious feelings to arise.

The Point that Drove Home

Statistically, people with anxious attachment styles are more likely to end up dating people with avoidant attachment styles. This is because avoidant people tend to end up in the dating pool more often because they tend to hop from one relationship to the next. Whereas, people with secure attachment styles tend to either be happy being single or they’re in long-term relationships, thus they’re rarely in the dating pool.

Anxious + Avoidant attachment style together turns out to be the worst possible combination. This is what accounts for those ups and downs.

And here’s a fascinating insight: we, as the anxious partner, tend to associate these roller-coaster feelings with love. We constantly shift from being disappointed, depressed, and anxious to euphorically happy when our avoidant partners show a sliver of redemptive qualities. Then the cycle repeats itself again.

This is why when people with an anxious attachment style begin to date someone who’s secure, it may feel… to put it frankly, boring.

Learning to find contentment and happiness in security is not an overnight switch, trust me. It’s taken a long time to get here.

What it’s like being in a secure relationship

When you’re with a partner that is always understanding, reassuring, and displays the utmost belief and trust in you, you’ll find yourself transitioning from a place of fear and scarcity to safety and abundance.

There are no longer those turbulent fluctuations in emotions, and you never (or at less frequently) think about how they’re going to leave you or stop texting you back.

And this period of adjustment can be a little…disorienting.

There might not be the thrill or the lustrous chase you’re used to. Your relationship might be less centered around sex, but rather, on normal everyday things—because well, they’re actually a part of your day-to-day life now, not just a weekend hang out buddy.

But you can find calmness and peace in that stability. Stability doesn’t always have to be boring. In fact, it might be just what you need to pursue other, more meaningful aspirations in your life. Especially in your mid-20s when there’s so much uncertainty, it can be nice to have a safe anchor to come home to. Someone who grounds you and watches out for you in any type of situation.

Get used to feeling appreciated, wanted, and to someone who wants to make plans with you, not just the day before. If you seek that sense of thrill, it’s quite possible to find that through different outlets. You can find thrill in exploration, in growth, and in being there for each other through the highs and the lows.

We associate thrill with mystery and uncertainty, but sometimes the best type of thrill is thinking about coming home after a long day of work and sharing a nice dinner, a bike ride, or a pint of ice cream with your partner on the couch. There can be thrill even in the seemingly ordinary.

Knowing what I know now, I would have told my younger self to walk away sooner from partners that never fully appreciated me. Maybe it would have resulted in less heartbreak, but, also at the same time I don’t regret a single thing. Along with the hard lessons came perspective and contrast.

I needed that time to feel astray before I knew how good it felt to finally come home.