There are certain types of people in this world that will go above and beyond for the people they care about it. At a glance, this seems like an altruistic and beautiful trait. However, upon closer examination, we can begin to indict harmful patterns from the kindest acts. The range of behaviors can vary from something as innocent as staying up late to consolidate a friend who’s going through relationship struggles (for the third time this month) to frequently covering someone else’s bills.
It’s often a blurry line between consideration and overcompensation. Here are a few telltale signs you have, what I call, the “Over-giving Syndrome”. In the next part, I will explain when it becomes harmful.
Signs of overcompensating
- You feel an obligation to perform nice or caring acts for people you care about
- You have a hard time saying “no” to things even when it’s out of your caliber
- You have a hard time asking people to address or meet your needs
- You frequently spend more time on other people’s problems than your own
- You always try to buy things for people or cover their tabs or give them money if you think they’re struggling (or even when they’re not)
- You strongly relate your identity to being a kind and giving person — or “everyone’s friend”
- You always try to justify someone else’s bad behavior
- You blame yourself more in an argument than see it as a two-way problem
- You get anxious over what people might think of you
For people that have this, it’s sometimes hard to admit it because it seems like giving is part of their DNA. They may see it more as instinctual than obligatory— yet their mindset around giving is “I have to do this.” That in itself implies that the person feels obligated to always put others’ needs above their own. When an individual undervalues themselves, it becomes a part of their ritual to always find ways to ‘make up’ or compensate for that feeling of lack.
It’s something that most people don’t see as a problem, because what can be wrong with being a nice person? Theoretically, it attracts more friends and companions than anything.
The real problem issues arise when we look at it in a longitudinal way.
Let’s use a made-up case study of a girl named Sally.
Sally grew up with two loving parents. She was taught from a young age to be kind to people, to share her toys, and to not question authority.
Sally was six years old, and one day at the playground a tyrannical boy named Tom purposely kicked the soccer ball which ricketed into her stomach. Sally felt tears well up in her eyes as her body recoiled from the impact. Tom laughs, but despite being hurt, Sally chooses not to say anything but clench onto her abdomen. The supervisor spots an upset Sally and comes over to ask her what’s wrong. Sally tells the supervisor what the boy had done, and the supervisor assumes it’s an accident because Sally wasn’t specific about the intent. She rounds up Tom and makes him apologize to Sally. Sally looks sheepishly at Tom and says she forgives him.
Sally is sixteen years old and she’s dating someone for the first time. His name is Kyle and he showers her with attention and notes in the beginning. Sally falls for him and decides that she’s going to be “the best girlfriend.” She frequently brings him baked goods, goes over to his house to hang out whenever he asks, even when she has unfinished homework, she has her phone on standby to text him, and even at one point cleans his room for him. Doing these acts for him makes her feel extremely happy and he doesn’t seem to mind it too. A few months later, Kyle starts getting busy with applications, final exams, and tournaments. He stops texting Sally as frequently and rarely wants to see her during the week. Sally is extremely devastated and yet, still tries to give Kyle her energy whenever possible. Eventually, the couple’s difference in needs causes them to break up. Sally feels like a victim in this case; despite how much she gave, Kyle couldn’t reciprocate her efforts.
Sally is 17 years old and she takes up a part-time job at a casual dining restaurant. Eager to do a good job she does everything she can to impress, from memorizing the tables and menus on the first day, to cleaning up after other servers. Despite being in the middle of exam season, when her manager tells her to pick up extra shifts she does it with no hesitation. One day, her manager is in a bad mood and explodes at her over something small. Sally takes it very personally and criticizes herself over and over for messing up. Eventually, work becomes like a real-life hell; Sally is demotivated, overworked, and sullen, and eventually starts to underperform at her work. She is let go after a few months.
Sally is 28 years old. She has a corporate job in which she’s constantly working and burned out but sees it as necessary means to an end. On top of that, she had just moved in with her fiancée Buck to a new apartment. However, Buck rarely helps her set up the apartment, and on weekends, he is off on the golf course with his buddies. Sally begins to feel extremely lonely and stressed. She relies on a bottle of wine in the evenings to curb her feelings of emptiness. Something is deeply missing from her life but she can’t exactly pinpoint what it is. On the surface, it seems like her life is nice because she’s doing fine financially and has a stable partner and a home. Yet, Sally is absolutely miserable.
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The story of Sally is not based on myself or anyone else, but if you have this syndrome, you can likely jump in at least some part of her story and relate.
We see that case by case, Sally never addresses her issues with over-giving. Sally is not unlucky or a victim, she simply lacks the foresight and tools to overcome the way she was wired to behave in society.
After one time of letting someone mistreat her, Sally does nothing but internalize the pain. She uses giving as a mechanism to bring self-satisfaction even when most times this act of love or care is not reciprocated. Sally becomes the person that people like to take advantage of. She doesn’t establish any type of boundaries in her personal or professional life, which leads to a diminishment in her mental and physical state— later leading to bad performance. This cycle perpetuates itself over and over, at the end of the story, before 30 years old Sally lives a life where she is unhappy and unfulfilled despite how much she still gives to others.
If you can somewhat relate to the story of Sally— I want you to take a pause. Reflect on the incidences in your life where you may have over compromised yourself, and what did that lead to. What feelings did you experience, and what outcomes did that lead to? Our first instinct may be to jump to the conclusion that we’re stupid or unhelpable, which is why sometimes it’s helpful to examine our early life. Our behavior is predominantly shaped by the societal values and the environment we grew up in. For example, women are far more likely to give more than men, especially emotionally (exert emotional labor).
If we’re not careful to reflect on the experiences where people have mistreated us, we let it become normalized thereby perpetuating this endless cycle. We constantly take the blame, which leads us to want to give more in order to patch up the differences—for people not meeting our needs.
Self-love and compassion are crucial. This goes beyond a solid skincare routine and bubble baths but being intentional about how you allocate your time. Make sure you have enough time for yourself and only yourself.
To stop the negative effects of overcompensating from ruminating about our lives, we have to question our motives and even others’ motives when they rely on us to give them something, whether it be emotional or tangible things.
If we can begin to identify and adjust our behaviors and expectations, then we have a chance of breaking free.
Be very concise with what you value for your own life. Write down non-negotiables for relationships and work, and put them up somewhere visible. Constantly come back to this and reevaluate whether your decisions are aligned with what’s on this piece of paper.
Make a commitment to your own well-being and let that always take precedent. It might feel selfish at the moment, but over time you’ll realize that replenishing yourself over others actually allows you to be more giving, and in a way that doesn’t drain you out after a period of time. Physically carve out time in your schedule for dedicated “me time”, and be religious about it as if it were an important meeting. This is an important meeting— a meeting with your important self.
As you start to become more self-aware, you will also be more cognizant of the red flags of people who don’t have the best intentions. Let these people go early on. However, there’s cases where these people have been with us for a long time, it would feel abrupt just to cut them off. The only way you can get around this is to communicate your observations clearly and honestly.
“I’ve noticed you frequently cancel plans. One time is fine, but I put a lot of preparation and take time out of my schedule to make these happen. I really care about you, which is why I need to know if there’s something going on in your life that’s causing you to cancel frequently.”
If you went to your friend saying this, they might feel a little embarrassed or caught off guard. Or maybe there is something they’ve been withholding from you and now they can be liberated from it. The ‘fail-proof’ case is if they immediately get defensive or mad. If that’s the case, you know this is the right time to let go.
The fear of rejection is a difficult thing to get over but think about the amount of time and heartbreak you can potentially save.
When I start to overthink about how the other party will react, I will type out what I want to say on notes on my phone. I make sure that my needs and fears are effectively communicated, as well as my sympathy for the other person. Most of the time we’re scared of doing this because we have too much sympathy for others. It’s time we give ourselves back that level of empathy— so that we can become healthier and more energetic individuals in the long run.
When we cut off toxic ends in our relationships, we free up our capacity to invite people that can actually meet our needs. People that are warm, reciprocating, and genuinely care about us to the core. These people will bring more value and energy into your life than those who can’t meet your needs. Remember that there is an abundance of energy out there that you have yet to discover.
Identify your triggers and slow down before you act
You might have this inclination to say “yes” or take on more things even when your schedule is packed. However, you have to train yourself to really slow down and think about what you’re committing to before you commit.
One thing that’s helpful for me in both a professional and personal sense is to have a meticulously crafted schedule for each week. Time blocking is crucial if what you desire is more freedom in your life. Start to learn how to prioritize your own needs before others. For many, the morning time is their sanctuary. This might be the time in which they can perform a certain task at their best or they might just require a couple of hours purely to themselves.
When this ritual is disturbed, it may cause you to feel scattered, stressed, or less productive throughout the day. Safeguard your own rituals so that you are able to give projects/people/tasks your maximum energy when the time permits.
Of course, this doesn’t mean being an asshole and saying “No” to everything without explanation. Often, a quick reason like “I have too many obligations this month, but thank you.” If you’re a people-pleaser like me, you might jump immediately to “I’m busy now, but how I can accommodate you in the future?” Again, think carefully about what the accommodation will cost you? Do you really need to ‘accommodate’ or can you change the vocabulary to ‘how can we both make this work so that we both benefit from this?” This folks, is a huge mindset shift for many of us that are used to catering to others before ourselves.
Giving back to yourself is not selfish
I know you might be thinking, “Well, my purpose on my earth is to serve others.”
Great, we all need a degree of altruism and a sense of giving back to make the world a better place. But this doesn’t mean you have to give to every single person that comes in your way.
The shift is this. Give back to yourself, so you have more ability to give to the people or things that actually matter. Give to people who are also kind, hardworking, and like to contribute back to their communities. Give to people who will give you back respect and understanding when you need support.
Don’t blindly give away yourself, your energy, or your values because this will only hurt you in the long run.
With love & compassion,
Naomi
Secret Prose 
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