How Couples Grow Together and Grow Apart

We all know that one couple that we’re absolutely convinced is going to get married, have triplets, and live happily ever after. Next thing you know, they’ve broken up and you’re suffering from a case of heart loss. And no, I’m not referring to the split between Bill and Melinda.

Two things can happen in relationships. A couple goes through a phase of growth: meaning they get to know each other on a deeper level; they share experiences together, develop stronger intimacy, and endure hardships together. After this period of intense growth, they begin to taper off. They stop making the effort to explore the deeper questions. Some couples may view this as boredom, or better yet, stability.

The second scenario occurs when couples start to grow individually, but in different directions. This may be due to life changes, or differences in needs and aspirations.

Nevertheless, we’re not doomed to go down either of these forks. And even if at times we find ourselves wandering down these paths, there are strategies we can use to fortify our relationships and stop ourselves from growing apart from our partners.

Here are some time-proven methods in how to grow as a couple, instead of growing apart.

They work on a project together that inspires learning and problem solving

Forming strong bonds doesn’t always have to involve overcoming tribulations all the time—that would be exhausting in it itself. Instead, another way for couples to mimic that same bond-forming experience is to challenge themselves on a regular basis. If couples are regularly incentivized to work with each other to overcome a problem or create something new, there presents a great opportunity for growth.

An example can be participating in one or three-month challenges in areas of fitness, sleep, or personal development. Couples can be encouraging forces for each other, celebrate successes together, as well as be there to support each other when things go array.

They’re Open About the Changes in their Lives

As individuals, we all go through fluctuations and sometimes major changes in our lives. This can be a disrupting force on a personal level, which can spread across our relationships. 

The strongest couples are able to be vocal about these changes with each other, so much that adapting to change together as a team becomes a regular occurrence. When one is experiencing change —either positive or negative and has a partner who is unwilling or uncomfortable to deal with the type of changes, it’s probably not the right fit. They will find each other growing apart, rather than growing together.

They Spend Time Apart From Each Other

When you’re always with someone, it can feel like a large part of your identity becomes attached to the other. It’s healthy to regularly create some distance from one another. This time is important to help us stay grounded in ourselves and spend time with our own friends who bring us a lot of personal gratification. This can also be time to do things that we truly enjoy doing, whether that’s cooking, going to a yoga class, spinning, hiking..etc. Not every couple shares commonalities in hobbies and interests, so use this time to do the things that truly bring you joy. When you regularly replenish and pour love into yourself, you are far more likely to pour that energy back into the relationship. 

They’re Intentional about Improvement

One of the easiest ways we can grow is to pick up a habit we dislike about ourselves or seek an area where we want to see more results in and commit ourselves to improve. This doesn’t just apply to our personal habits or work, but also to our relationships. 

If we let our relationships stay the same, it’s more likely to lead to a flatline. There are always aspects that can make our relationships deeper and stronger. Pick one theme every month and try to work on it. These can be things like communication, new experiences, learning, and trust-building.

Having a main theme to build on each month can help couples proactively work on improving their relationships. And when they hit those mini-milestones, they might end up learning more about their partners and facilitating a stronger bond along the way.

They Make an Effort to Share New Experiences Together

When we experience things we’ve never done, the dopamine center in our brains literally lights up. Do you ever recall feeling that spark of joy when you’re in a completely new environment, or you see something so different than what you’re used to?  Of course, it can be wonderful to experience these things on your own, but sharing these moments with your partner can also be incredibly impactful.

You’re also creating memories that are exclusive to you and can use those as points of reflection later on in your relationship.

They Spend Time with Each Others’ Friends 

Imagine the closest people in your life, that have known you the longest and know the ins and outs of your personality, not getting along with your partner at all. In my mind, this would immediately stand out as a red flag. 

Genuine friendships brings out the most authentic and joyful side of an individual. Allowing your partner to see that side of you can be extremely gratifying for the both of you. It creates a form of psychological safety that you’re able to be completely yourself around them.

Planning regular activities and outings with each others friends groups also opens the opportunity to share life long memories and experiences with— from lazy sunday barbeques, and board game nights to beach days and group vacations.

Conclusion

The question of how couples grow together comes down to intentionality. Both parties must be committed to the concept of growth on an individual level. This purpose can be transferred to many aspects of the relationship. 

It’s worth it to go through the uncomfortable stages of growth if you’re truly committed and think you’re with the right person. These strategies help couples build stronger bonds through experiential and intellectual learning— they’re not meant to be overly complicated or hard, but even small movements can make tectonic shifts in a relationship.