The 3 Key Takeaways I Got from Being in an Open Relationship

There was a year in my life when I was in an open relationship with someone I cared deeply about. When I disclosed this fact to others, I got mixed responses— but most of them came with a hint of judgment.

To noone’s fault really, I myself, have always thought an open relationship was a weak excuse for not being able to fully commit to one person. Never would I thought I would be the one to suggest and choose to be in one.

What I realized is that all relationships are complex. Two people that have distinctive personalities, different aspirations, and sometimes, at different phases in their lives, trying to make the mutual decision to devote much of their time and resources to each other, based on emotions.

To me, time is the most precious resource, and emotions can be fleeting. I’m not trying to provide a rationale for why I chose to be in an open relationship, but more so, what I learned about myself through it. These lessons didn’t come easy, and I hope it provides some insight for people who have always been curious.

I’ll always be grateful for this period in my life because, without it, I would have never known what I truly needed.

Trust is a pre-requisite

There is zero percent chance you can pursue an open relationship if the foundation of trust is not in place. Generally, people who pursue open relationships do it after spending years with the same person, and they already have a strong base of trust established.

This means they’re able to be 100% transparent with each other, and they know what not to do, to avoid hurting their partners. If you don’t understand nor trust your partner completely, this can lead to some serious destruction that’s difficult to reverse.

If deep down you’re not fine with your partner going on a date without forming all sorts of irrationalities, it’s not going to work. You might start to provoke your partner with accusations, or worse, you might repress yourself from vocally expressing your fears to the point where you build up resentment.

This is why having complete and utter trust and transparency is crucial if you want any chance of success at this.

For me, being 100% transparent was always difficult. I never knew what was the right thing to say that wouldn’t hurt my partner, so sometimes I said too little, sometimes too much. There were times when it did lead to serious rifts in our relationships because we weren’t clear about it to each other about how we actually felt about us seeing other people.

Both partners must feel like they benefit from it

I viewed an open relationship as a quick-fix solution to the dilemma I was facing in my last relationship. I wasn’t truly happy nor fulfilled, but I was scared to let go of someone who provided me with that emotional security. In a way, I pursued an open relationship for selfish reasons. I wasn’t thinking about what was best for both of us. My partner at the time, only supported the decision, not because he truly wanted it, but because he thought it was the only way to keep me. And for him, giving me the chance to explore this, I will always be grateful. Because without that experience, I would have never known what I truly wanted.

Before two people agree on being in an open relationship, both parties need to discuss exactly why they think they might benefit from it. If one person is not completely on board, the couple should be extremely wary of proceeding down this path. No one should ever be forced into a situation they don’t want to be in. Sometimes, either find another solution or part ways. Don’t drag yourself into a situation that might deteriorate your relationship beyond repair.

For some couples, being in an open relationship creates more space for each person to explore different sides of themselves through different relationships. But at the end of the day, this exploration and growth are being pursued by both parties in parallel to one another. 

The purpose is to make the bond between the couple stronger because they trust each other enough to know where their place resides in each other’s hearts. They can share discoveries with each other openly and still hold deep respect for one another.

Be Prepared to Invoke More Serious Conversations

Being in an open relationship requires acute communication skills. When one party is feeling off about something, they must express it right away. There also needs to be a communication of boundaries. It can also bring up a lot of emotions and conversations from both sides, especially if they’re fairly new to it. It never gets easier to be honest. If you love someone, yes you want them to be the happiest, but you can’t help but sometimes feel the nagging sense of hurt when they’re off forming a bond with someone else.

These feelings are normal, and it’s best to express them to your partner honestly so you can figure out whether it is actually the right path for you. 

I experienced this form of jealousy, but instead of telling my partner, I told myself that in time, I would get used to it. The fact is, for both of us, the discomfort never really went away. But throughout the time, we had pretty significant conversations about where our relationship stood, and what challenges we both had, which ultimately, led us to end the open relationship.

To be honest, if we went down the road of not communicating openly, I don’t know what would have happened to us. To this day, at least we still have a great friendship. And this all came from having deeper dialogues and truthfulness and trust.

Conclusion

My stint with being open didn’t lead to any fruitful results for my actual relationship, but it did lead me to have some revelations about what I wanted for myself in the future.

I realized that at the end of it all, I wanted to be exclusive to one person. I wanted to pursue a deeper bond, trust and love with someone, and not share that attention with others. I wanted a relationship where we could both grow together.