Why the “Nice Guy” can be Toxic Too

Contrary to the stereotype, I’ve always fallen for the nice guys. However, I come to realize that just because someone learns basic manners doesn’t mean that they always have the best intentions. Nor does it mean they have worked on themselves deeply and thoroughly enough to know how not to hurt others with their actions.

I also realized that it wasn’t right to blame the other half, instead, I needed to dive deeper into myself and figure out why it is that I let myself become attracted to certain toxic traits.

When I mean toxic, I don’t necessarily mean abusive. Being in a toxic relationship feels like you’re constantly drained. You don’t do the things you used to enjoy because you’re always mentally exhausted. 

Co-dependency— you latch onto the other person to fill some kind of void in your life, without actually dealing with the issue. 

Manipulation— instead of treating the other person with compassion, you seek to manipulate each other with the goal of getting the other person to give up something. You refuse to let the other person go, even when they try to leave you

Jealousy— you’re extremely insecure and have irrational thoughts of the other person being disloyal. 

Cheating— you’re not fully satisfied with your relationship, so you start looking for others as a form of escapism.

These are some telltale signs that you might be in an unhealthy, insecure relationship. None of them include verbal, physical, or emotional abuse. And sometimes that is exactly why it’s so hard to justify leaving. “But they’re so nice to me”, “They do X, Y and Z… I should feel lucky”, “Besides when they do that, everything else is fine..”. Yet, why aren’t you happy?

To this day, I still blame myself. I think there might be something wrong with me that I can’t just settle with the seemingly nice guy. But it wouldn’t be fair to myself to stay in a relationship that’s not conducive to my growth, personal wellbeing, and health. 

Being single, you no longer have to allocate so much of your energy towards trying to sustain that relationship. This means more energy to pour back in yourself, to work on yourself so that you’re prepared to meet someone who has equally done the work down the line.

Past Traumas Have An Impact

Every relationship leaves a mark on your heart—some have a more profound impact than others. Early in my dating life, because I was severely ill-equipped, uneducated on the matter, and hadn’t really developed great self-esteem, I let myself wander into relationships that weren’t what I actually needed. Consistency, security, loyalty, honesty, support— these were the things I yearned for, yet I never got. 

What literally should be the baseline for any healthy relationship, I glorified in my mind as the be-all-end-all. Relationships that were subpar became acceptable, because comparatively I had worse.

 The hurt we experience in previous relationships has a ripple effect on our future relationships. We become accustomed to a certain way, that our standards become lower. It doesn’t really matter if someone comes along and actually treats us right; if we haven’t done the work to process and heal our past traumas, we might not be ready to receive the love that is given.

A common thing I found was that I tried to give too much to someone that wasn’t ready to receive. And when I realized that they weren’t ready to receive that level of love, I found myself once again, hurt and rejected. Eventually, it became easier to just not feel anything. I pursued numerous meaningless flings along the way; closing myself off to relationships at all.

What I yearned for was someone, to come to save me— but I realized, I really needed to save myself.

Slow Realizations

There was a period of time in my life, when I was happy, single, and thriving. I thought I was ready to date. I did what any normal person does these days, hopped on a dating app. I met Jacob (not his real name) almost instantly, we clicked and from there he asked me to be his girlfriend, not nearly two weeks into seeing each other. He was really nice, intelligent, had his career together. Little did I know, that he wasn’t truly ready to be in a relationship.

Needless to say, it quickly went downhill after the first few months. He was working all the time, and the time spent with me he never gave his full energy or attention. I started wondering to myself why I always attracted these types of people. I attached it to my own sense of self-worth, thinking that maybe this was how it had to be, and it was what I deserved.

Here I was, waking up in a beautiful home next to a man that seemingly treated me like a princess. However, at night (or in the afternoon) I found myself retreating into the fridge, grabbing the bottle of wine and drinking it when he wasn’t looking. My friends started noticing the lackluster expression on my face, even on trips.

“Where is he?”, “Is he coming?”. No, he’s working. That was the common conversation I had with my friends.

I tried working on it, being honest, and finding compromises so that we could both feel more satisfied in this relationship. Eventually, I realized it wasn’t going to work. I no longer had strong feelings for him and I tried breaking it off. This is where it gets messy. He became extremely irrational and borderline manipulative, trying to make me stay. In his mind, if he hadn’t made the last cut, we weren’t over. He would text me all the time. This went on for nearly two years.

Getting Out for Good

I started seeing a therapist. In my mind, I justified it trying to make it seem like I wanted to work on my personal and professional development. I stayed away from talking about relationships because I thought it was too minor and embarrassing to bring up how it was misaffecting my life. However, through each session, it became more evident how relationships had a pertinent impact on my growth. I discussed my conflict with Jacob and how hard it was to let go. Because I knew no matter what, he was always a text away.

It was hard to let go of that sense of security, but in order for me to move on I had to let go. And letting go, surprisingly, starts with dealing with all your feelings head-on. Some days I really missed him. Some days I was really angry at him. Some days I was just grieving and sad. For once in my life, I let myself do something so simple, and that was to feel. 

Society teaches us to suppress our emotions. But the more we suppress, the more they come back to haunt us in the future. So I let myself feel all the pain. And then came a period of immense gratitude. I thought of all the nice moments we had in the relationship. And once the emotional roller coaster had come to an end, I wrote him a letter displaying everything I was feeling at that time. And I said I had to move on.

Today, I work on finding my own sense of stability instead of relying on a man for it. It wasn’t love that drove me towards him, but purely because I wanted to feel stable when it seemed like life wasn’t.

 Conclusion

We can’t love people to love ourselves. We’re going to keep falling into the same honey trap unless we identify our own toxic traits, our traumas and develop the awareness and strength to walk away. Seeking nice guys as an alternative to the not-so-nice ones might seem like a good solution, but in reality, nice guys can have toxic traits too. Instead of labeling, start asking yourself better questions. Is he self-aware? Is he honest? Is he understanding? Is he a problem solver or avoider? Once we start to realize our true worth, we will begin to attract the type of people that can love us the way we want to be loved.