I always thought consistency applied to areas like health, business, and relationships. It mattered if you were trying to maintain your figure, build a strong relationship, or start a thriving business. I never thought “feeling beautiful” or feeling good about yourself would require consistency, too.
I can’t exactly pinpoint when, but at some point, I stopped feeling beautiful. When I looked in the mirror, all I saw were flaws. I started comparing myself to people I saw on the internet, wishing I had a smaller nose, whiter teeth, and so on. It’s really no one’s fault but my own that I let myself go in my own way. By that, I mean I stopped caring and trying to feel good about myself.
As I recently cut down my consumption of alcohol, some uncomfortable feelings have risen to the surface. I started to question:
Who I was outside of drinking.
Who did I actually enjoy spending time with?
Why did some social occasions seem so hard?
How do I actually feel about myself when there’s nothing to prop up my confidence?
I confided in my boyfriend about how I was feeling, and he reflected on how confident I was when we first met and how attractive it was. I laughed and said,
“I felt delusionally confident at that time, I don’t even know for what reason. Who gave me that audacity!?”
I look back at my old photos from that time, when I was about 10 pounds heavier with round baby cheeks. How could I have felt so good about myself then if it didn’t meet my current definitions of beauty?
I think it’s inevitable that when you get into a comfortable, long-term relationship, you stop trying as hard on your appearance. Or you alter your appearance to appease the other person. My fashion sense has evolved over the past five years. It’s become more refined, expensive, and modest. I used to pull up wearing a $20 dress with slits over my midsection and knee-high boots. And I felt so good in my skin in those moments. The thought was: The tighter it was, the closer I was to God 😂 I still dressed the same in Year 1 of the relationship, but as we got to Year 2-3, that’s when my style started morphing into something different.
👩❤️👨 Getting Comfortable in a Relationship
We’d like to think getting into a relationship shouldn’t influence our opinions, style preferences, or desires. After living with someone for three years, I can attest that it’s really hard not to let your partner influence you as you merge into one unit. Of course, he doesn’t care what I wear, never has. But there are subtle comments that steer me towards one direction than the other. For example, we often go shopping together. He clearly prefers clothing that is more proper, posh, and elegant. That’s what he perceives as cute or beautiful. Shopping alone, I always gravitated towards more daring options. I thought I was ready to tuck away this “era” of my life, and be the “good girl” and perfect girlfriend. This automatic thought process touches upon a deeper issue. In fact, if you really think about it, it goes back to the P word.
Gosh, never would I have thought I would be talking about the P word. But I think in this context, it’s important. If we go back 50 years, the way women dressed and composed themselves was much different than now. Women dressed conservatively and properly, and the same went for the gentlemen. The difference is that the majority of women didn’t have financial independence, so it was always in their best interest to be married, and hence, under the “protection” of a man (whether it’s their father or husband). The way a woman behaved or dressed ultimately reflected on their husbands. The notion that a woman’s public presentation is a reflection of her male partner still very much exists.
The difference now is that as women, we have a choice. We don’t have to cover our ankles or decollage. It’s not mandatory to be in a relationship unless we want to be in one. So, how did conservatism become cool again?
👵 How Modesty Became Trendy but Boring
Around the time when the “trad wife” lifestyle began to bloom on the internet, we were also facing dire, worsening economic conditions in the world, post-COVID. During the COVID era, governments around the world went into emergency mode and started printing more money to keep people afloat. The economy was artificially inflated as no real economic output was being produced. Five years later, this seemed to have bitten us back in the buttocks with high inflation and mortgage rates. To add to the fire, we had two simultaneous wars going on in the world, with Ukraine and Russia, and Israel and Palestine. Life became harder because salaries stagnated, layoffs increased, but the prices of goods kept rising. It became comforting for people to subscribe to this fantasy of a 50s woman in a modern world. With her glamorous closets, and her entire day devoted to baking sourdough and tending to her chickens on a farm estate. Fashion started to steer that way — from cleavage and crop tops, to “old money” aesthetic. Even though people subscribing to that aesthetic couldn’t be close to old money within a 5-inch pole. Modesty signaled being on a higher economic rung, which people could only dream of. As a consequence, fashion ditched its color and spontaneity, and traded it for monotone colors, similar shapes, and became overall muted— Muted became trendy.
Modesty came in different flavours; some call it “Quiet Luxury”, others, “Old Money Aesthetic.” It was cool to be “classy,” and classy meant nude nails, subtle French tips, and Don’t you dare wear color that’s too vibrant or eye-catching. Beige on beige uniforms. Proper jackets and longer skirts. Every store (regardless of price range) carried the same style: think white button-up vest with matching white dress pants. Peasant tops and long flowing white dresses with frilled details near the bosom. Everywhere I went, girls had their hair slicked back in a tight bun, clung together with a large gold hair clip. Nothing loud, too unique, or risky.
Just thinking about it makes me bored. But I can’t play victim, because I myself have subscribed so deeply into this trend, you can peer into my closet and at my French toenails and point fingers. “Aha! You traitor!”
The difference is, I realize it now. It’s like waking up from a dream. And I predict people who bought into the trend are going to realize that the Stepford wife look is getting old. And it’ll leave the people who’ve actually dressed like that their whole lives alone.
🎭 How Do I Look Like Myself When Everything Looks the Same?
Every time I go to the nail salon or the mall, I always notice the surplus of teenagers. All of them have thick eyelash extensions, styled but effortless hair, and manicures. I always wonder, how do you afford getting your nails done at 15? I can barely afford them as an adult 😂How do you afford wearing Aritzia when I still feel guilty splurging on a $100+ dress?
While I was getting my nails done one afternoon, I observed a teenage girl getting her manicure across from me. I saw her flip through TikTok the whole time, seeing images of equally pretty girls flash by on repeat. I started to feel bad for this generation of kids who are fed new trends for breakfast, and wonder why they’re not enough by dinner time.
The problem with this synchronicity of social media is that everyone starts to be influenced to achieve a certain look. “Instagram baddie”, “Rich girl”, “Clean girl”, “Boss Babe”, “Trad wife”. These are just a few of the tropes that have penetrated our society and influence what people buy, wear, and present themselves. Each construction requires several steps and products, and with each burgeoning trend, you have to buy even more products just to keep up.
I hate trends. But it’s so hard not to buy into them. We often forget about the influencer economy — it’s literally someone’s job to wear new outfits every day and to promote whatever brand is in vogue right now. When it used to be just celebrities advertising expensive perfumes and Chanel makeup, we could kind of distance ourselves from it.
There was a healthy distance between the celebrity and the common folk, which was separated by elaborate events like the Oscars, the red carpets, the big screen, glossy billboards, and those big secluded Beverly Hills mansions. It was rare to see a celebrity in action.
Influencers bridge the gap between “Unachievable” and “Achievable”. They’re beautiful, but relatable. In fact, many influencers still pose as “everyday folk,” despite (sometimes) making well over six figures with brand deals and sponsorships. You see them in situations like Target, in their bathrooms, and at Whole Foods, just like us! Because they’re so relatable, it also makes the things they wear and promote more relatable to us. That’s why brands invest so heavily in influencer marketing. Not only is it significantly more affordable than commercials, but it’s also because they want to make their products SEEM more obtainable to the everyday person. Of course, there are influencers in everyday niches and luxury niches that will attract different audiences. But even that $10,000 Chanel bag you would never buy off Natalie Portman suddenly seems more obtainable because your favorite influencer is wearing one. Suddenly, everyone seems like they own Hermes or Chanel, even though we don’t know the backstory or whether it’s authentic or not.
I pray my daughter doesn’t ask for a Chanel bag for her 16th birthday. Or beg to get her nails done every two weeks. But that’s the reality we live in at the moment. I genuinely wonder how people resist trends, block out the noise, and stay true to their selves in this social media economy.
💄Becoming that B*TCH is Going to Require Some Effort
Maybe it’s the change in seasons, or perhaps I just have a bit of a lull in my daily schedule. But I snapped a week ago. I suddenly craved drastic change. I was tired of myself and the way I looked and presented myself these past two years.
I don’t remember the last time I styled my hair or tried a different makeup look. I’ve been embodying the “clean girl” aesthetic for two-ish years. Now, there are pros to the clean girl aesthetic; it’s very efficient on time. I reached for my Armani foundation the other night, and it was dried and crusty from underuse. Last night, I felt adventurous and decided to try a new makeup look — something I’ve always been afraid to do, but was always awed by:
The classic smoky eye look. Of course, there was hesitation and self-doubt.
“But what if I turn out like a raccoon?”
“But I’m bad at makeup.”
Despite all the buts, my curiosity led the charge tonight. Plus, I had no major plans, just dinner with my boyfriend at an out-of-the-way, newish brewery on the east side of town.
So I searched up a smoky eye tutorial for Asians on YouTube and found one to practice with. I couldn’t believe it when I pulled down my waterline and filled it in with BLACK eyeliner. Wait a minute, is this actually looking good right now? Holy shit.
As soon as I put on the lashes, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I looked like a baddie! This look really made my eyes POP. Ohmygod, I felt that surge of narcissism— in this case, it was good! Why don’t I do this more often?
I’ve been lowkey demonizing makeup because, frankly, I thought it was a waste of time. Time I could have spent being productive doing other things. And that goes back to the general theme of Productivity > everything else.
Coffee and work > Breakfast
Working in Pjs> Getting dressed
No makeup > Makeup
Ubering > Walking/ transiting
Little did I know, not prioritizing how I looked and felt just led to more wasting time doomscrolling Reddit and Instagram. It led to an unhealthy self-image that I thought I never struggled with, at least not for a long, long time.
👗Getting Dressed? What’s That!?
I used to scoff at influencers online who said, “ I have to get dressed in the morning to be productive, working from home.” Please, I can be just as productive in my comfortable sweats, I would think to myself. But I guess that’s the beauty of learning and evolving.
Yes, I could probably produce the same amount of output in my PJs vs putting on a proper shirt and jeans. But when I go to the bathroom and look in the mirror, that’s where the difference lies. All I see every day are flashes of a messy bun, imperfect skin, and baggy clothes. Slowly over time, this was eroding the image of myself I had in my head.
I was just a grungy, imperfect girl trying to survive. That’s the image I started selling myself.
Not this feminine, magnetic, confident, and smart woman that I knew I “once” was. It’s genuinely hilarious how I went through my feminine/trad wife phase on Instagram. I was trying to carve out a more specific niche, but I can’t relate to that person at all. I’m literally in PJs all the time. I think I would change into those outfits for the shoot, put on some lipstick, and then change back into PJs. Goes to show just how fake the internet can be.
Tapping into long-form content is where I learn the most from others, even influencers. You’d be surprised by the content they post online just to get views, that there’s a thoughtful, deep, and genuine person underneath the facade. If I had to give one piece of advice to the younger generation, it would be to make good use of your access to information. Have your entertainment on socials, but balance it with longer-form content like books, blogs, YouTube videos, and podcasts. You get so much more value from long-form content in the long run. Just imagine if you replaced the five hours you spent doomscrolling with a book, podcast, or YouTube video. You would gain so much more perspective! I love being challenged in the way I think, and learning through the lives and experiences of others. I always feel a boost of serotonin after listening to a podcast vs music or doomscrolling Instagram, which just gives you short bursts of dopamine, followed by a crash.
✍🏻 Signed Off – Your Retired Clean Girl
I can’t believe the girl who would put on a pretty outfit, curl her hair, and do her makeup every single day for university would now view getting dressed and putting makeup on the weekend as a chore. Yes, you can say she is just embracing her “natural beauty”, but the truth is, somewhere along the lines, she just stopped caring and trying. As someone who prided herself on individuality and not buying into trends, she found herself stepping into a role she felt was appropriate for her age, relationship, and social standards. At some point, she opted for a uniform, rather than putting effort into finding her own sense of individuality; she stopped taking risks. I pray that she starts to believe that she is worth it. She is worth tending to, caring for, and deserves to feel beautiful in her skin every day. I hope she’ll start taking risks again and finding joy in fashion because this used to be so important for her.
May she find again in fashion, a well of creativity, inspiration, and play that grows and evolves with her, not confines her. And last but not least, she slowly starts to feel like she is THAT B*TCH (Bewilderingly interesting talkative confident heroine) again.
Secret Prose 
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