As we exit old relationships and enter new ones, we will inevitably bring along some “baggage’” from the last. That’s not to say that baggage is always a negative thing. Think of it like this. You’re about to embark on a cross-continental trip, and you either end up going either with too much or too little clothing. By the halfway point of your trip, you would have either reduced your load or added more to it, trinkets and souvenirs here and there. Relationships are similar in the way; you will bring along the essentials, add to your toolbox, and discard the things that don’t serve you anymore.
In fact, past relationships can teach us valuable lessons and further us in our next endeavours. However, it’s a fine line between developing basic standards and falling into the trap of comparison. When you start anew, you should think of embarking on this journey with an open mind and heart. Carte blanche. Many of us enter new relationships still a little rugged and closed, which can breed feelings of anxiety and even contempt in our new partner.
In my own relationship, I often get caught up in the “what ifs” and “can do betters” and not enough of the “Grateful fors..” However, there are some gloriously ordinary moments I can pick out when it comes to what I’m grateful for in my partner. There’s goodness out there, you just have to look.
Acts of Compassion
In compassion…we dethrone ourselves from the center of our world, and we put another person there.”
— Karen Armstrong
Every time I even show a slither of discontentment, my partner asks, “What’s wrong?” with slight trepidation. Every time I don’t text him for a few hours, he asks me what I am doing. He genuinely cares about how I feel at any given time, and I will never take that for granted.
When I’m excited about something, he listens and tries to be excited about the subject too. When I’m undergoing a stressful situation or I’m upset with someone else, you can count on him to be always on my side. When I have an idea, he never belittles or doubts it.
If you have someone who you can countlessly rely on—someone who doesn’t criticize or judge you for how you feel, even when it’s something they don’t fully understand..count yourself lucky. Compassion is part self-awareness and part security. Someone who is secure in themselves will not feel threatened or belittled if you need to take the ‘spotlight’ today. Self-awareness is tied into emotional intelligence, the ability to know how to respond to someone who is in pain.
I’m lucky to be surrounded by many beautiful, intelligent, and ambitious women. I often find myself getting caught in the crossfires of women comparing and speaking about their men, as if we’re in a kindergarten class talking about which of our kids got the most gold stars. This is especially common amongst Asian women because from a young age, we are literally lined up next to each other on a podium by our parents, whether it’s for physical attributes (like height, weight) or grades and extracurriculars. No one talks about this, but these expectations are naturally transferred to our spouses and our own children,
I say this because I fall victim to this mentality too. But it’s essential to reflect on the piece of gold you have if your partner possesses characteristics of emotional intelligence, vulnerability, and compassion. A designer handbag will not bear the same results as a sturdy hand on the back and a hug when you feel like your life is falling apart.
Partners who can show genuine displays of emotional intimacy will never lose to one that is emotionally barren but has a lot of external resources (ie.wealth).
Acts of Sevice
There is no such thing as a simple act of compassion
or an inconsequential act of service.
Everything we do for another person has infinite consequences.
— Caroline Myss
Generosity is a tender feeling. We live in a world where asking for help is deemed as weak. But truthfully, it feels incredible when someone goes out of their way to take care of something for you. This can be as little as household chores or picking you up from a late party to taking time out of their valuable schedule to help you with something. I’ve give you an example: I work early mornings most days, including the weekend. Sometimes when I leave my house on Saturday, there’s no better feeling than coming home to a neat apartment. It seems so minute, but it has such a dramatic shift in my mood and energy.
I urge you to find one thing your partner did last week that constitutes an Act of Service. How did that make you feel?
Acts of Desired Change
“Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time; what we really want is for things to remain the same but get better.”
—Sydney J. Harris
There is nothing more beautiful than seeing someone you love make a change that will better their lives. When confronted with a partner who’s engaging in self-destructive behaviour, our first instinct is often to nag. Nagging almost always never influences a real change in behaviour. What influences a change in behaviour is either a strong intrinsic desire to be someplace else or to run away from a convulsive situation.
If your partner is doing even one little thing that reflects a desire for positive change, think about how you can support them on this goal. Be aware that it takes a giant leap of courage and discipline to create new, healthier habits.
Acts of Personal Growth
Change is inevitable, growth is optional.
—John C. Maxwell
I think people often misconstrue financial growth and personal growth. Can growing as a person lead to financial growth? Sometimes, yes. Can growing financially lead to personal growth? Absolutely. But these two things don’t always grow in tandem with one another.
Personal growth has a lubricating effect on relationships. Where wealth may provide building blocks to a more secure life; personal growth provides fulfillment.
Personal growth may look different for everyone, but it’s truly hard to miss:
- Giving up bad habits (smoking, drinking, late-night binges..etc).
- Visiting ageing parents more.
- Reconciling difficult family relationships.
- Waking up early to meditate, walk or read.
- Ceasing to gossip.
- Going to therapy.
- Being more attentive and present in relationships.
- Making time to show up for friends.
- Creating a financial plan and sticking by it.
- Going to anger management classes.
- Reconnecting with spirituality.
- Taking up new classes or getting into a hobby.
Personal growth in one partner often trickles down to the other. This is because people who are experiencing personal growth often have higher levels of joy, contentment, curiosity, and compassion for others.
Acts of Integrity
Integrity has no need for rules.
—Albert Camus
The fulfillment of guarantees and the self-control to not make guarantees on a whim is one of the greatest acts of integrity, in my opinion. Do you put your money where your mouth is?
Following through on your promises to others, as little or big as they are, can tell you a lot about your character. Not having different personalities depending on the type of person you’re interacting with, is a type of integrity.
Many people think in business terms regarding integrity, but I believe on a personal level, integrity is just as important. If your partner is honest with you about where he is and what he’s doing, he’s demonstrating integrity in your relationship. If he’s someone who shows up at the time he says he’ll show up, he’s acting in a way that shows integrity. If he promises to help you with something and follows through, he’s showing integrity in his words.
A lack of integrity in relationships often leads to frustration, distrust, and disputes. Integrity and trust are best friends.
Acts of Enduring Loyalty
“You don’t earn loyalty in a day. You earn loyalty day by day.”
—Jeffrey Gitomer
Never take acts of loyalty for granted. Loyalty is a regular practice, not an affirmation. Of course, loyalty can be expressed through affirmations, but it is the behaviour that matters.
Why do I not mind my partner going to a festival or a club without me?
He’s never proven himself to be disloyal. Communication is fundamental. When this is broken, it can lead to angst and distrust.
If you have a partner who demonstrates enduring loyalty, this thought has probably never crossed your mind. That peace you have is truly special, because I know there are plenty of women and men out there that endure sleepless nights because they’re worried about their partners being unfaithful. Unfortunately, it has to be, but we live in a world that runs on immediate gratification and faulty illusions about desire.
Ending Thoughts
Gratitude opens the door to more happiness. When we’re happier with ourselves, we’re inherently more happy towards the world. Less critical, less conniving, or judgemental. What we harbour on the inside is what is shown to others. Finding some time to reflect on the positive attributes of your current relationship is a healthy practice and will influence the way you speak and act around your partner. Remember, kindness is a reciprocal process.
If you haven’t yet, feel free to check out my FREE resource on relationship red flags.
Secret Prose 
Leave a comment