There are several gifts that come with finding a partner. Most of these gifts are intangible qualities; memories you will forever cherish deeply in your mind and your heart. Even when a relationship fades or dissipates, fragments of it are left behind that flutter about your galaxy like sea dust. They’re there for you to access when you need them to be.
In the day to day, relationships come with sacrifice. Most people get into relationships in search of companionship; to find someone to enjoy the crazy roller coaster of life with. Relationships, at least great ones, ensure you never feel those pangs of crippling loneliness late at night while you’re watching television by yourself for the hundredth time. They guarantee that someone will be there to hold your hand on good days, and terrible ones.
And although relationships can be nurturing and life-enriching, they can also be incredibly challenging. For the most part, this is because our lives revolve around a set number of priorities. The word priority automatically presumes that the number is few and valuable. How our priorities are shaped throughout our life depends on a number of factors. Much derives from how we were raised, educated, and socialized. For many, including myself, priorities largely surround making money, staying healthy, family, and nurturing our adult relationships.
However, it’s sometimes easy to forget those priorities exist as we say yes to more and more opportunities that “seem” to fill up another bucket. We take on extra work projects, without understanding that in doing so, we’re squeezing our other priorities. And when we try to compensate for this by “adding” more energy to another bucket, let’s say relationships, we end up feeling eternally depleted. We wonder why we’re so exhausted… although externally, it seems like we have a ‘balanced’ schedule full of all the things we love to do.
When people enter relationships, they often don’t realize the work that comes with it. For two infatuated lovers, it’s heaven on earth, which is why they call it the honeymoon phase. Because the passion is burning red hot, the work seems less apparent.
It’s only as a couple enters years 2,3 or even 4 when the daily sacrifices become more visible. One supports the unit more financially. The other gives more emotionally. One sweeps the floor, and another folds the socks.
When two people decide to form a union—it’s enmeshing two individuals with different habits, lifestyles, finances, health, values, and insecurities together. How to work together like a team even when they don’t always see eye to eye.
Sacrifice and effort will shift periodically between two people because no matter how seasoned in life they are, things change. Life changes. Sometimes, priorities change. The hallmark of a resilient relationship is whether each person is willing to adapt to the other person’s changes and growth. Loving someone is giving more and not expecting the favor to be returned.
Transforming from “I” to “We”
The moment you transition from “I” to “we” doesn’t start when you change your Facebook status or even relay the news to friends and family. It doesn’t begin when you commit to being in a relationship or after the first year anniversary. “I” to “we” is a deeply personal transformation. It requires a stark mindset change, from where you’re thinking for two instead of just yourself.
When you’re born into this world, you have zero responsibilities. You are not responsible for anyone, not even your parents who brought you into this world. You are the responsibility of someone else, usually your parents or grandparents. As you move through the walks of life, you take on slightly more responsibility—maybe for a family dog, or being in charge of doing the dishes. Yet, throughout most of your childhood, adolescence, and early adult life, the only human you are personally liable for is you.
Therefore, we generally move through the first quarter of our life thinking in “I” terms.
What’s best for me? What should I do next? Who do I like? What show do I want to watch? Who should I spend time with?
Certainly, to amass conventional success, a form of selfishness is paramount. The six-figure mark traditionally implied a graduation from the average; a type of trophy to be paraded around. But to make your first $100,000 requires no one but yourself and your efforts.
To move into the upper echelons of success requires service. Success moves from being a selfish act to a selfless one— even under capitalistic circumstances. People don’t purchase things that don’t serve them or make their lives easier. The more something, like technology, makes their life easier, the higher the price point they are willing to pay. This is why software and certain hardware companies are traditionally high-value and successful enterprises. They’re able to service people at mass while making one aspect of their lives easier or “less painful.”
Nevertheless, this concept applies to relationships as well. To be truly vulnerable in a relationship requires relinquishing one’s pride and, sometimes, even one’s desires. You’re no longer thinking of “what’s the best move for me.” It’s how can “we” improve “this” together? “What’s the best option for us?”
Going from single-player to multiplayer is the most challenging feature of this multi-dimensional game they call relationships.
Don’t Knock it Till You Tried it
Regardless of age, gender, ethnicity, race, and what area zip code you live in; most people desire companionship. Companionship doesn’t necessarily equate to being in a romantic and committed relationship. When we’re 5 years old, we don’t desire to be romantically committed to someone (unless you’re like me, who was convinced that the preschool classmate was my boyfriend). We desire to find our “crew” or pals to play tag with during recess.
As we grow up and move into our own diversified streams, we find that life can often get lonely. In my first year of college, I remember vividly staring into the ceiling and feeling this pang of loneliness in the darkness. With college came irreplaceable memories and friendships, but it was also a rude awakening. It taught me what it was like to fail and to get rejected. All I desired in my freshman year was to find a romantic companion. I fell in love every couple of months, only to be shown rejection and heartbreak the following month. And guess what? That year was not the year for me to find “the one.”
Of course, I can look back now and have a hearty laugh over my frantic obsession with boys. I mean, who didn’t go through this feral phase the first time they frolicked outside the safe compounds of their parent’s home?
As I became more focused on my grades, future, and career prospects, the desire to have a “boyfriend” subsided. But I still sought companionship, and it was rare that I didn’t have a ‘boy’ floating around my periphery. Heartbreak had toughened me, but in some ways, negatively. I feared commitment now, especially as a young woman growing into her adult body. I maintained a fairly slim figure, shed the freshman 15, and had little curves and edges coming into my frame. I always made an effort to look presentable and arguably had a pretty good head on my shoulders from years of studying international relations, the arts, and from travelling. I was attractive both mentally and physically, and I found myself in a place where my younger self always wanted to be. To be desired. Even by boys I thought were “way out of my league.”
I now had options like browsing through a candy store, especially with the help of dating apps like Tinder. This made the concept of settling down difficult, with the possibility of someone out there more “fun,” “wild,” “risky,” or “attractive.”
So I avoided, avoided, and avoided being committed… until I did.
When One Year Feels Like a Lifetime
They say that “A lot can change in one year,” and that’s an understatement when it comes to my life.
In 15 days, I’ll be celebrating one year of living together with my roommate, partner in crime, and love. Although we have a relationship and a life that most people my age would covet looking in, the road to getting here was nothing but perfect. Our relationship has its edges and flaws, but overall it’s the most stabilizing factor in my life. To give you just one example of rocky beginnings, within the first few months of living together, we had our first ever terrible fight. My avoidant tendencies kicked into full force, and I packed my bags, ready to spend the night at my parents. As I was lying there in my childhood bed trying to soothe myself to sleep, I couldn’t no matter how much I tried; my thoughts racing faster than a train speeding through Grand Central Station. And thank god I couldn’t. I raced back to our shared apartment, finding him on the couch in the dark. He looked lost without me, his eyes searching my face as if the answers were there. He caught the luggage I discreetly tried to shove into the closet. I made my way to sit next to him on the couch, and he grabbed my hand as if nothing had happened. I slid into his chest like a key sliding into a lock. He apologized, and the rest was history.
My partner and I have our many differences. But the things we agree on make us stick together through thick and thin.
He likes the American hustle, lives for it practically. I like the peace and serenity of Europe.
He has an obsession with cruise ships. I like traveling somewhere by train or plane and figuring it out.
He likes pinball and video games. I like hitting the clubs.
He grew up with money and private schools. I didn’t.
He likes electronic bass music. I like listening to the likes of Martin Garrix and Ariana Grande.
He likes skiing. I only like apres ski.
As I said before, on the day-to-day you will start noticing the small sacrifices for the relationship. A relationship will take more time than you ever planned for. You’ll have more arguments over stupid, little things you ever planned for. You will get on each other’s nerves and get far more comfortable than you ever planned.
However— what makes you stick by a person and realize that the sacrifice is worth it boils down to a few, but important things.
That person is willing to stick by you through the highs and the lows.
That person shares a similar life vision as you.
That person wholeheartedly wants to spend the rest of their life with you.
That person asks you if you’re okay even when things are okay.
That person is willing to relinquish their own pride to see you succeed or be happy.
That person is not looking for anyone else.
All those silly little quibbles and differences don’t actually matter that much on the grand scale of things if these important factors match up.
When you know, you’ll know.
But you’ll never know what’s possible until you try.
Closing Thoughts
A good relationship will test you time and time again. Some arguments and differences will frustrate you to the core, and you’ll feel anger bubble up in your chest as you hold back tears. But how I see it is this.
Life will always feel like an uphill battle if you’re somewhat ambitious. The person you want to enjoy that brief moment of stillness, elatedness, and peace— when you’re looking into the bright sun and feeling the sea wheeze into your skin. The tumbling waves rolling toward you softly; the scent of freshly cracked bread at the table; the buttery sensation of fatty meat melting into your tongue. Who you want to enjoy those ‘aha’ moments with is your one. And your troubles will eventually melt and blend into the messy but beautiful union you’ve created.
I’m not saying a relationship is easy. It comes with another terrain of battles on top of your already bustling schedule. But most of the time, I found the demons I was fighting in a relationship were within myself. Those demons must constantly be tempered and tamed until they can comfortably hide away in their ivory tower.
Unlike school or work, you won’t pass every test in a relationship. The stakes are higher, but that means the reward is just as high. The result is tied to what you’re willing to bet on it.
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