I am not one to talk when it comes to giving relationship advice. How I ended up in a healthy and secure relationship still baffles me sometimes.
As someone who has self-proclaimed commitment issues, a long string of unsuccessful relationships, and an impulsive personality, the story of how I eventually settled down is a surprisingly boring one.
The truth is, one day the gears kicked in and it just made sense. Ever since I made that decision, I’m coming up on a year in this relationship.
To you, a year might seem like an insignificant amount of time.
For me, a year is a lifetime. And it definitely feels like it sometimes.
To give you a pretext, I’ve been in a total of two serious relationships— one for three months in my last year of high school. And the second time in university for a whopping six months.
In between those relationships, I had sporadic flings with an assortment of characters. Needless to say, I was constantly attracting people that were emotionally unavailable or simply just not that interested in the long haul (with me). Eventually, I developed the avoidant tendency to just “not care”.
It got to the point where I would be seeing multiple people at the same time; treating my own feelings and theirs as disposable. I wasn’t ready to commit for a long time. And even nowadays, there are still instances when it’s hard not to fall into temptation and old habits.
It’s easy to start taking our relationships and partners for granted as time goes on. This is exactly why maintaining and building a long-term relationship requires concentrated effort and commitment. A relationship is work—but then again, it shouldn’t feel like constant work or a battle. This is the person you want to spend your nights with even after the most electrifying days.
They’re your best friend and the one you trust you can depend on when you encounter tough moments in life. Keep in mind that there’s this huge buzzkill around the word “dependency.” In reality, there’s nothing wrong with feeling like you can depend on someone. We depend all the time; on technology to get us to the right places on time; teachers to educate us well, and hospitals to treat us when we’re sick. Dependency can mean trust.
Here are some of the rules I’ve learned this year on keeping the spark alive in your long-term relationship.
The One Rule
When you put your focus on one thing, one person, the quality of that relationship becomes significantly better. So don’t be distraught or spiteful if your friend seems like they’re spending a lot of time with their significant others. Practically speaking, if you work full-time, you’re spending 8 hours a day at your work. Deduct 8 hours of sleep and you’re left with approximately 8 hours for ‘leisure’ every day, and this is not including commute time, meals, gym, side hustles, friends..etc. For many couples, time becomes sacred which is why it becomes crucial for us to reserve the remaining time we have to be with our partners.
Tips to keep your eyes on your beloved
Social media and texting
Girls and guys alike, people will come floating into your DMs at various times. It’s your job to remain mindful and control where that conversation goes. Sometimes, even the most friendliest conversations can take a turn.
Control your tone
Avoid giving off hints of flirtation or initiation to hang out with someone that could be potentially attracted to you, unless they’re open to hanging out with your partner too.
Establish why this conversation is happening
Ask yourself, why are you engaging in this conversation? Is there a clear motive involved from either you or the other person? For example, if a club promoter is messaging me on Instagram, this is considered ‘safe’ territory because I know it’s basically a sales/marketing transaction. But if it’s a friend of a friend or someone you met briefly at a party, look carefully into their intent. This applies to both females and males. Although from personal experience I do find that females will back off when you say you have a girlfriend; whereas many males actually don’t care as much.
Think about the other person
Always think if my partner was having this exact same conversation with someone else, would I feel uncomfortable? This answer literally tells you exactly what you need to know.
Communicate, communicate, communicate (even when it can lead to fights)
For years, I struggled with communication. I don’t think as a child I was ever taught how to communicate, especially about my emotions as they were only met with heavy scolding.
As a woman, it’s often hard to express how we really feel on the inside. There’s a momentous pressure to be perfect, prim, and proper. I was always an angel of a baby, that never cried, but as I got older, my emotions took a form of their own—giving away to erratic and terrorizing mood swings.
In relationships, my failure to communicate my needs or confusion has led to a lot of heartaches. Even in my current one, I still have a difficult time communicating because I’m scared of retaliation or misunderstanding. Communication is kind of like baseball pitching. You won’t always hit it right off the bat, but don’t let it scare you away from doing so.
Sometimes communication leads to a nasty fight. The brains of women and men are literally wired differently and we process emotions and events differently too. Women tend to be more comprehensive, analytical, and self-loathing when it comes to confrontation. Men tend to be more reactive, logical, and decisive when it comes to arguments. Men don’t always feel comfortable processing harsh emotions. They’ve always been taught there’s a “solution” to everything and to bring out the toolbox every time. Sometimes women don’t really want a solution, they just want to be heard.
As a man, if you can master the art of listening, that might become an indispensable tool in your relationships.
For women, if you can master the art of not making everything into a reality show, that’s your personal superpower 😉
Every fight you’ll learn something about your partner—about what makes them tick, and perhaps how to approach a problem the next time. For example, my partner gets extremely defensive if there’s any indication that something that’s not his fault or problem gets shuffled on his plate.
Exhibit A: I told my partner he had to lay off what I was working on because I felt like he was imposing too much of his thought and opinion onto me—it was becoming something that didn’t feel like my own. He took this very offensively because from his perspective he was offering valuable time to help. We got into a fight.
Realization: My partner realistically seeks validation for his efforts. But when it’s met with dissatisfaction, especially from his girlfriend, he may feel attacked. I should focus on how I feel personally, and the repercussions of my own actions, without involving him as an actor in the problem.
Fights and quibbles have never led to a strain in my relationship; more so, the makeup portion is extremely crucial.
Did you just have make-up sex to bury the emotional tension?
Or did you have an honest and level-headed conversation about it afterward?
Spur of the moment sex doesn’t solve anything. The problem will eventually sit and grow inside you until it starts to permeate other aspects of your relationship with the person. It’s like an ugly tumor. You need to resolve it when you first catch it.
Give and Nurture
I feel extremely connected to my partner when he gives—whether that’s a service-based action like helping me out with a technical kink, or buying me nice presents or dinners. Chivalry is not dead, and as cliche, as it sounds, the weight of these gestures is significant—especially over the long run.
Thoughtfulness and time can go a long way. Make sure you’re finding ways to give or nurture your partners when the opportunity arises. When it comes to the how: Should I give gifts, verbal affirmations, or perform acts of service?
I would recommend mixing it up. I think people’s perception of what their love language is can be skewed based on previous judgments or how they were raised. For example, I never thought I appreciated gifts, but now I don’t complain when bubs offers to get me something nice, say for a birthday. I also don’t try to ‘split the bill’ all the time like I used to.
Gifts may not be my primary love language, but it doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the gesture and it allows me to feel better connected to my partner in that process. It’s exciting being pampered on occasion by someone you love.
Final thoughts
No relationship is perfect and when you’re young, relationships can feel drawn out at times, confusing, and uncertain. These are all very normal feelings.
My advice is don’t take things too seriously. By that I mean, try your best in the relationship you have today. If it’s someone you see a future with, great, invest in them. And more importantly, invest in yourself.
We don’t become perfect partners unless we’ve had practice and introspection. Introspection is so, so underrated. It doesn’t stop after you get into a relationship either.
Weaknesses become prevalent the more time you spend with someone; there’s nowhere to hide. If you have presiding issues with attachment, staying faithful, giving..etc. it’s time to reflect and work on it. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but the reward may be a completely different relationship than if you chose not to change.
I needed to change and evolve, and certainly, I’m nowhere near the perfect partner I’ve envisioned. Partly because I know such a thing doesn’t exist. But there is always the opportunity to become better.
Keep this in mind.
Secret Prose 
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