Three Non Break-Through Things I Learned in Therapy

I’ve been going to therapy on and off since I was 13 years old. When I was a teenager, it was a mandatory part of my treatment. I was hospitalized for having a pretty dire eating disorder. And I HATED therapy.

I was used to lying through my teeth about how I really felt and constantly felt attacked and misunderstood because they kept asking me, “why, why, why?”

I didn’t have an answer to their questions. In fact, I had no clue why I was the way I was; why I thought of self-depreciation as a means of achievement and satisfaction, and why I never felt good enough. Again, I still don’t really have the answers to these questions people had for me when I was younger.

The third time around, therapy was better. I remember my therapist as someone I trusted. She was not too young nor too old, carried a thick Montreal accent, and I remember the warmth and understanding in her eyes. Finally, I felt like I wasn’t a monster or an experiment in a cage. I felt like a human being.

In my later years, after recovery and all, I found myself, ironically, back in therapy. I felt compelled to work on myself and through some of the issues I had. And hey, therapy is cool these days, right? Mental health warrior? Yeah, I got you.

And I’m going to tell you today what I’ve really learned in therapy. And it doesn’t involve major life revelations and breakthroughs.

Then you might ask “what’s the point?” Don’t you go to therapy for immediate results?

To be honest with you, if I had a breakthrough every session—I would probably be emotionally and physically exhausted. It takes a whoop out of you.

At the end of the day, therapy is about what you make of it. It’s actually not the responsibility of your therapist, “to make you better”, no more than it’s your trainer’s responsibility to get you fit and healthy.

Therapy helps with your personal relationships

In therapy, it’s where you get to dish all the tea about your significant other. Just joking!

Well, you can, but it’s more about the things you can dish to your therapist, that you can leave out with your partner. I’m not saying now, don’t communicate with your partner, as communication, honesty, and transparency are pillars of a healthy relationship. However, going to therapy may save you hours of rambling and crying time to your partner. Once you’ve processed things better with your therapist, you can disclose to your partner the main takeaways, and that leaves a lot more room for you both to discuss things that matter to the two of you. Hopefully, positive things!

Of course, if you’re having interpersonal challenges; having a therapist can help you sort through your feelings, filter out the noise in your mind, and achieve clear solutions and steps on how to approach your problems.

There’s no exact time you need to go/or let go

Many people think there’s a right time to either go to therapy or exit the process. In reality, you need to go to therapy with some sort of purpose. It doesn’t have to mean that your life is completely falling apart, or you’re feeling suicidal that you have to attend therapy. If you’re someone who wants to improve the quality of their life through mental models or work through a personal issue that’s been long delayed, then therapy can be a very useful practice and tool.

I went to therapy because I wanted to be better. I wanted more perspective, more structure, and a concrete way to work towards some of my goals in life—I wanted to become happier and more fulfilled.

The good thing about going to therapy in stable times is that your ‘practice’ is not influenced by your emotions. It’s tempting to skip therapy when you’re feeling good because you think there’s nothing to discuss. In reality, your deep rooted issues are always present but sometimes they’re easier to ignore because you happen to be more emotionally positive that day. At therapy, you teach yourself to get uncomfortable and to dig through the deep layers of your emotions, your past, and your triggers. In the end, you get to know yourself in a deeper way. 

I view therapy as a practice. Do I always want to go? Absolutely not. But I know if I skip a week or two, I end up accumulating emotions that later come out in my personal life. Therapy has become an outlet for me so I don’t have to carry so much weight back home.

If you do end up exiting therapy at one point in your life— don’t feel ashamed if you end up revisiting it later on. It takes a lot of mental strength, financial investment, and courage to pursue therapy in your later years. But if you do, it just goes to show that you value yourself, your well-being, and your growth.

It’s not the end all be all

Therapy is not some hack or secret weapon. Many of us go into therapy with the expectation that our therapist is going to hold the magic pill to solve our problems. This is simply not the case. A therapist is a trained professional that specializes in various cognitive, emotional, and psychological techniques, as well as empathy, to prompt someone to explore their issues in a safe and exclusive setting. They are not the genie in the bottle.

Going in with the expectation that you’re going to change or be fixed overnight is extremely unrealistic. It’s like starting to go to the gym and expecting muscles on day 2. This is where many individuals go array in their short-lived therapy journeys. They expect a quick fix, don’t get it and dismiss therapy altogether. It doesn’t work for me, it’s pointless, I’ve tried it before..etc.

Again, if you treat therapy like a consistent practice you have to attend, and understand that the results will come with time and effort— then you wouldn’t be so quick to jump off the ship.

A breakthrough can take weeks, months, a year even. When they come, they can shake us to the core and make us feel almost like breaking down. But I truly believe, sometimes you have to break down for something new to grow. Just like the trees shed their leaves in the winter, we need to shed old layers for new opportunities to surface. Breakthroughs unveil new perspectives and overall, a greater understanding of why you are the way you are. And hopefully, it can lead you to become less judgmental, and more empathetic towards yourself.

Conclusion

Therapy is what you make of it. For most, it reduces the cognitive load we put on our brains from constantly thinking or overthinking about our problems. One of the major benefits of therapy is the built-in accountability. When you make an appointment, you’re telling your brain I have to show up here, at this time, and make my schedule work around that slot. We’re about 95% more likely to accomplish our goals when we make it an appointment. Life gets busy, it’s easy to forget what we were working on- but therapy brings us back to that state of mind and can help us reorient ourselves in a better direction.