Letting Go of the Ungrateful Narrative

Nearly every single day, I repeat the same four words to myself.

I am very fortunate.

However, I’ve also come to realize that you can simultaneously feel fortunate for the things you have, and feel as if something is deeply missing.

I have a life that most twenty third year olds can’t choose to complain about. But in therapy, I often talk about the waves of sadness that come about. Feeling like I’m unable to own my identity.

For the longest time, I was so used to the narrative of how independent I was, until suddenly, I wasn’t. I sometimes find myself consumed with feelings of shame and guilt because I know without my partner, I wouldn’t be fully able to support myself. Well, that isn’t exactly true, but live the type of lifestyle I do now.

The feeling of sadness I encounter inevitably is tied to the feeling of guilt. “How could you be sad? And how could you be ungrateful?”

Gratitude is essential. But constantly beating yourself down on the inside because you’re not 24/7 a happy bee, only cements your feet to the ground. You’re stuck.

It’s okay to practice gratitude, yet strive for more.

Although I’m grateful for the irreplaceable things I do have: great health, genuine relationships, and a roof over my head, there are still parts of myself and my potential I have not yet realized.

Today and every day forward is going to be about letting go of the ungrateful narrative. And I hope you can join me.

A Female Perspective

If you’re a woman who’s reading this, chances are, you can relate. Subconsciously, you were taught not to complain and to behave like a proper lady. What this actually means is that you were conditioned to be silent and to play a certain role in whatever family/social dynamic.

As a young girl, I was constantly called ungrateful by my father. Although I know he unquestionably has a lot of love for me, he’s never been the careful type when it came to everyday conversation. The way belittled me through careless remarks was what I deem now, unproductive and inappropriate.

Something he taunted me for was spending money on clothing. And so I decided I would work and never depend on him again.

When I drained the printer once of color toner for a school assignment, he barked and complained about how much the color paint costs and how I had wasted it. And so I stormed into his room with 200 bucks in my hands and slapped it on his work desk.

Perhaps, because of the way I hated being treated, it’s been ingrained in me not to rely on someone else, particularly a male figure. But over the years, I’ve never verbally fought back. I stayed quiet and worked quietly away in my own mind.

In the day-to-day, I was a relatively uncompetitive person as it pertained to most things. The things I was secretly competitive about, I stayed quiet about.

I never wanted to stand out and be obtrusive because I was afraid of the social implications. 

I didn’t want to be perceived as a threat.

I still remember one day in ninth-grade science class, the teacher handed back our test grades. I hated this because I knew my friend beside me would practically snatch the paper out of my hands to see what grade I received. And most of the time, my grade was higher. She would be pissed because she had spent the entire night studying for it.

Appearing nonchalant to most, I was the “nice” and “cool” girl in high school. Zero threat.

I quietly studied and found close to accurate practice tests on chemistry and received exceptional grades in most subjects (except physics).

This is where Imposter Syndrome comes from

Fast-forward to today- although I gained a lot more self-assurance over the years, I can’t help but fall back on old habits. I prefer working on the sidelines and when it comes to certain accomplishments, it’s hard for me to talk about them without talking myself down.

Entering the “real world”, I’ve come to realize that there’s no room to hide if you want to accomplish great things. No one’s going to give you the opportunity unless you speak up about what you really want. Especially, in business, if you’re not 110% confident about what you can offer, why would anyone want to trust you? Let’s use a simple example.

You’re looking for a nail tech to do a set for a wedding you’re attending. Are you going to go with the nail tech who says “I’m okay at what I do, not completely an expert.” Or are you going to go with the one who’s confident about her work and can show you past demonstrations of her success?”

And look, the first nail tech might be completely beast at what she does, but she’s conditioned herself to stay quiet at the cost of more customers.

The second nail tech is good and she knows it’s more beneficial to advertise her skills, even if it requires sticking her neck out for a couple of seconds.

I’ll show you a real example of an email I typed out last week in response to an invitation to partake in a podcast. My thought process immediately was: Be honest, don’t draw too much attention, and don’t overinflate my skills.

 I look back at this email, and I see the same patterns that have been so hard for me to avoid.

And here’s my advice for the ladies.

You don’t have to be perfect at what you do. No one is. And you don’t have to pretend like you’re the best either. But have the courage to throw yourself on a pedestal for a couple of minutes and back it up with real evidence of what you’ve done in the past. You know your own strength, so own it from time to time. The real world is not as kind to people who choose to stay quiet.

Back to Gratitude

I think people misconstrue contentment with gratitude. You can still have gratitude if you’re working a minimum-wage job and barely making rent. But it doesn’t mean you’re completely content with life. Conversely, you can live in a castle and have zero gratitude, but be somewhat content with your living conditions.

The middle ground is finding areas in your life you can be grateful for, but not being complacent when it comes to the quality of your life.

When I say quality, I don’t mean just wealth— I mean in every regard of your life: your physical health, mental health, your relationships, spirituality, finances, purpose, and career.

You can be grateful but still want more at the same time.

Here’s my letter to other women:

You are strong, intelligent, and powerful. And I know you have big dreams and aspirations. I also know you like hiding behind walls and shadows, however, you’re not going to go the places you want to go, unless you make yourself more known to the world. If you want to move up in your career, you have to stand out. You must not only work hard, but make your skills evident to the people and the opportunities you want to attract. Nothing is going to be handed to you.

You can do it.