On Desire: How I learned to Make Peace with It

Desire is this prevalent, raging force that comes from deep within. It perpetuates our lives in the way of thoughts and behaviors, even in ways we don’t realize. For example, emotions such as envy, which I’ve previously spoken about, I argued come from a place of desire.

Often, the term desire is associated with the lacking of whatever object of that desire is—otherwise, it simply wouldn’t exist. You can’t yearn for something you already have.

Desire often gets a bad rap, as it is often the culprit behind numerous tragedies—affairs, Romeo and Juliet-esque romances, and even murders (crimes of passion).

Recently, I’ve come to play with this notion of desire and realized that it’s better to make peace with it, rather than fight it.

There were times in my life when I’ve explored desire in its raw and primitive form— and let me say, that diving deep into those waters felt like sinking your teeth into your favorite meal when your belly grumbles. Sometimes, desire is evoked by someone or something. And the elatedness you feel when you meet your desire, is purely addicting.

Of course, there are times when you should fight desire—but most of the time, desire prompts us to question the things we deeply yearn for.

Let’s take an extreme example— a cheating husband (or wife). Do they falter from their marriage purely because of their ‘biological’ sexual desire, or is there a deeper reason involved, such as unhappiness with themselves, or their marriage? 

Desire then prompts a whole slew of questions. Spouse finds out. A war breaks out. They go to therapy and new questions are raised. Spouse wonders why this has happened to them, to their marriage. Who knows—they may even end up forgiving and working through their marital problems (ones, they weren’t aware were there in the first place).

The feeling of desire used to bring me a level of discomfort and tension, but I’ve learned to make peace with it as I see more opportunities for benefit than harm. Here’s how.

Turning Desire into a focal point

Desire comes with tension. The reason why there’s tension is that there is a possibility you can have the thing you desire, but at the current moment, it’s out of reach.

Let’s say you really want to buy a comfortable home for yourself. You’re working and saving, but you still don’t have quite enough money to buy the house that you truly desire. There’s tension because the odds are in your favor for getting this house, but at the current moment, there’s no way you can meet that desire, just yet. The saying “So close, I can taste it”, applies a lot to the feeling of desire.

We shape much of our aspirations and goals around desire without even knowing it.

Desire of freedom, choice, a bigger life, helping people..etc, all these seemingly ambitious end goals all derive from the place we used to perceive as evil.

Therefore, instead of pushing our desires away, perhaps we fare better in analyzing them in greater depth.

When we come to terms with our desires, it makes it easier for us to feel comfortable in our own decisions because we understand why.

For example, one common endeavor for young people is that they desire to have freedom and choices, but before they analyze and realize that’s what they want, they link their desire purely to money.

The truth is money is simply a vehicle for most to meet their real hidden desires. Very few actually want the money for the sense of status. Fundamentally, we first need a sense of security, and then we need a sense of purpose. I’m not saying that all money-making endeavors will lead to the feeling of purpose, but the more money you have, the more flexibility you can afford (ie. take time off to discover what your purpose is, start a business, travel, engage in philanthropic work..etc).

Turning Desire into your ‘Edge’

There are a lot of driven people in the world, and often we ask, how do they possibly remain so sharp and productive?

The reason is that they’re super honed in on a specific end goal, that they’re willing to go to all lengths to achieve it.

Contrary to what you might think about yourself, you can too, become laser-focused. You just have to align with yourself with what you truly desire deep down.

We all know that intensity we get when we’re enamored with someone, like a school crush. We spend all our waking hours thinking about that person, following them around the field, and seizing every opportunity to have a glance at them.

I need you to apply the same sense of urgency to the goals you have currently. Goals are in reality, short-term pebble stones that lead you closer to your desire.

The more frequently you’re able to sync your behavior to align with your desire, the more likely you develop a consistent work ethic. We’re not born hard workers—we become them because of an underlying reason.

Sharing Desire—Turn it into Something Bigger Than Yourself

Ice cream always tasted better shared, and so does desire. Often when we come face to face with our desire, we come to realize that the thing we yearned for is better shared with others than it is kept for all ourselves.

For example, if I ever own a home someday, (a home that’s ideally more than 500 sq ft), I want to host people regularly. Yes, it’s nice to have a place all to yourself, one that you worked hard for—-but it is our relationships that make our lives feel more whole.

A home is a great place to bring people together and share experiences with.

Now, this is the same reason why often very financially successful people end up wanting to give back by either sharing their wealth or their knowledge. Philanthropy, mentorship, and coaching are some of the common careers millionaires and billionaires take on, because it is the act of sharing that brings them a profound sense of meaning, probably far more than the money ever will.

I encourage you to not only look at desire from a place of deep exploration, but as something to share with others—of course, given that it’s appropriate.

Conclusion

We’re often taught in life to feel shame for the things we desire, making it less likely we’ll ever cross that line from where we are now, to the things we really want in life.

Instead, rewriting that broken story and becoming curious about where our goals and aspirations derive from, the root, can help us come to a greater understanding of ourselves.

Sometimes you can turn your desire into the most powerful and tangible achievements.