As our lives get busier, how do we find quality time to spend with our loved ones, a necessary part of maintaining strong and healthy relationships?
It’s often easy for busy couples to resort to plopping in front of the television after a long day at work, or even so, if you’re like us, continue working into the evening. I found that the reality is, that there are going to be seasons, where work will be a preoccupying force to compete with.
However, I also realized that small daily habits and intentionality with time can add up in the long run.
In this post, I share some of the helpful things I learned about daily relationship reinforcements, finding your own identity outside the relationship, and the benefit of getting out of your comfort zones.
Daily Reinforcements
When the majority of our days is occupied with work, it’s unrealistic to maintain constant communication throughout the day.
However, how you begin and end a day is crucial.
Setting the right tone in the morning
A simple act of care or verbal affirmation before you leave the house, or if you live apart (a text) is a great way to establish that connection first thing in the morning.
If there’s something stressful that’s on your partner’s mind, perhaps an upcoming deadline or a meeting with a boss, it can help to simply put a more reassuring touch in your messaging.
For example, instead of “Good morning, I love you, have a great day!”
Try something like, “ Good morning. Let’s get through this day together—love you very much.”
Frame your message in a way that your partner knows that you’re aware of their situation and that you’re there for them, but refrain from dousing them in too much flattery, as it comes off as too obvious and insensitive (because you’re not the one in their shoes).
Example of what not to say: “Good morning love, that situation with X really sucks, I wish you didn’t have to deal with that. But I know you’re awesome and amazing and you’re going to turn the problem on its head……….love you so much you’re going to do great xoxo”.
The concept of ‘saving face’ is a natural way of people protecting their egos. When something adverse is happening in your life, the last thing you want is to have someone add more salt to the wound by drawing attention to it. Fortunately, there are little ways you can still show compassion, but not irritate your partner when it comes to the messaging.
Grounding Night Rituals
The end of the day can be a great time for reflection and grounding. There will be highs and lows throughout the day, and it can be helpful sometimes to unravel that, or simply wash it away like a cold beer. It’s not ideal for your sleep quality if you hang onto anxieties from the day, so the evenings can be a useful period you can use to get grounded with your partner.
Before we get on Netflix, I find that taking an evening walk around the neighborhood is a great way to relax and settle into the evening. On walks, it gives you the chance to share thoughts and events that occurred during the day, plus it’s a form of exercise that helps lower the stress hormones in your body.
Another simple way you can spend time together in the evening is by committing to having dinners together. Mealtimes have traditionally been a way for families to reinforce their relationships with each other, but this ritual has become a thing of the past, now with TVs and Uber Eats.
Although we might not be able to sit down at a table for an hour to have a meal with our partners, even a 30-minute window can give you a reason to slow down, recalibrate and reestablish connection after a busy day. If you don’t live with your significant other, which many of us don’t, it can be helpful to establish a routine that allows for connection— this could be a phone call after dinner, or before bed. It’s important you decide on a time that works for both of you.
Finding yourself outside of the relationship
When I first moved in with my partner, it felt like we were with each other all the time. So I found that when he went away for trips, I felt a bit of minor anxiety the day of. “What do I do now?” I caught myself wondering.
Truthfully, I’ve come to adjust to the times when he’s away. I find that I rise earlier and I put more effort into doing nourishing activities on my own. In the evenings I cook, go for long walks, indulge in a new tv series, or dedicate time to learning a new skill. I found comfort in spending time with myself regardless of whether he’s around or not.
I think this is a very critical practice. Oftentimes, we can let our identities become entangled with our partners, especially if we’re with them all the time. There are going to be times when your partner won’t be there, and you need to learn how to find joy on your own terms.
And let’s face it. We always feel more elated to see our partners after spending some time apart. Having that time apart allows more gratitude to seep into our relationships which can become a great reinforcer for long-term health.
Getting Out of Your Comfort Zones
It’s easy to get into the same routines. For my partner and I, the usual routine pertained to going out to nice bars or restaurants on the weekend, or working from home with a bottle of wine.
This was nice for a while, but we (or I) realized that we were getting into the same rut. We didn’t necessarily feel replenished after a weekend of partying. Instead, I realized that we needed to get out of our comfort zones, try new activities, in places away from the downtown core.
Just like any muscle you’re trying to build, if you let yourself become complacent, overtime it will atrophy.
The same thing applies if you’re trying to build a strong relationship. We can all classify sitting in front of the tv or working together as “spending time” together, but the quality of that time is probably not of the highest caliber.
Sometimes, what you both need is to get out and be away from the noise. Experiencing something new with your partner can invoke opportunities for new conversations and more memory-making. And I think it’s absolutely critical you find something that you both would find excitement in —even if it’s committing to once a month.
Conclusion
A healthy balance of quality time spent together, as well as being happy on your own terms are probably some of the greatest enhancers in a relationship. I encourage you to challenge yourselves to doing things that may feel a little uncomfortable at first (ie. if you’re used to doing everything with your partner, maybe try going out and finding a hobby on your own), and you’ll begin to realize the benefits that can arise from this.
Something we all can work on is intentionality with our time. We are trained to be very intentional when it comes to how we allocate our time at work, or in school, but sometimes we forget this degree of attention can and should be applied to how we spend time with our significant others. Remember, sometimes two hours of intentional, quality time can be far more strengthening for your relationship than 4 hours of unintentional time spent.
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