4 Emotions that are Hard to Grapple with & How to Deal with Them

A special shout out to our lovely Hypothalamus, Hippocampus, and Amygdala, for making this post possible today.

These lovely contributors make up the limbic system in our brain—responsible for emotion and emotional memory. Our emotions can sometimes make life seem vibrant and wondrous— imagine sharing a special moment with your loved ones, or receiving a heartfelt letter in the mail from an old friend. These moments of pure bliss and gratitude often feel as if they can make the world go around.

On the offhand, emotions like pain, sadness, and anger often send deep tremors down our bones, often leaving an irreversible mark. The part of our brain responsible for acquiring, forgetting, and the recovery of fears and concepts—is the Hippocampus.

These are extremely hard emotions to grapple with— and sometimes you wish you could just rip some of the memories that contributed to them, out. Some people might turn to alcohol, drugs, excess amounts of sleep, or sex to push away these undesirable feelings. We’ve all either been that friend or had one who starts out the night fine, and ends up sobbing on the bathroom floor at 3 am.

Today’s post will be about dissecting these feelings and coming up with more sustainable solutions in how to deal with them.

I’m so Angry I can Start a Fight

True anger for me starts off like a slow simmer until eventually, it boils into an uncontrollable rage. There are a few variations anger can take: anger directed at self, anger directed at others, and anger directed at the environment. More often than not, anger can be transferred between these different sources 

I truly believe that the explosive type of anger is built over time. A lot of us, tend to suppress or harbor these emotions when they arise, thinking they’ll dissipate over time.

 I also find that anger and sadness often precede one another, and are one of the emotions that can be used as armor.

It’s easier to project pain onto a scapegoat, rather than it is to truly feel that pain within ourselves. When I’m really, really sad, there are times when I wonder to myself staring up into the ceiling when the tears will finally stop. I mean how much can a person possibly cry until they dry up like a desert? The part of me that hates inaction, which is what sadness prompts spirals into rage. Anger is a greater motivator for action than sadness is.

Anger takes a physical form. Your facial muscles, your shoulders, stomach—everything clenches. On the inside, you want to lurch, attack and project whatever energy you feel inwards onto something, or somebody else.

Temporarily, anger can be used to motivate. The clearest example we see in media is the “revenge breakup”. Sally gets wronged by Ken, and then loses 20 pounds and glams up in an attempt to make herself feel “bigger” than the person who hurt her.

But we all know, that anger is not a sustainable source of fuel. Although there is a type of anger that feels like it can never be healed, the truth is that holding onto anger is chipping away at your ability to be truly happy in life.

We can’t expect to experience happiness and anger at the same time..

Yes, you have every right to be mad. But most often, anger what it comes down to is a state of helplessness. It’s a perceived loss of control and power.

If we’re able to bring ourselves out of the place of dissoluteness, by focusing on the things that are within our control, the greater the likelihood of us finding peace.

Grief: a deep, dark hole

When we think of grief, we often think of death. It feels slow, endless, and painful. No one actually has to die to experience this feeling—as grief can come from loss in its different ways. Loss of a close friend, a partner, a job, a dream.

As cliché as it sounds, the best alleviator of grief is not distractions, or trying to be “Okay”, but it’s simply, time.

Time can feel like a dark abyss especially when we’re feeling down

As a creator, I see time as an opportunity to make new things. Time comes with a slew of new opportunities that can lead to different doors. Before you know it, you’ll be embarking on something new, and different.

For some, this might look like travels, new work or business opportunities, or new friendships.

More minutes, hours, and days increase the probability of finding newness. The phrase “a breath of fresh air” never rang more true as it does to someone coming out of a deep state of grief. 

It’s the difference between Winter and Spring.

Jealously: stabbing yourself in the heart

The emotion of sinners— is one that is both harmful and arguably, useless. Jealously arises from our own unmet desires. It also derives from our own lack of contentment with what’s going on in our lives. Truthfully, if we’re 100% confident about the path we’re on, or the relationship we have—jealousy should be a rare occurrence. But how much of the population do you think is always self-assured in what they’re doing or what they have? It’s fair to assume that humans bore quickly, and take the accomplishments or things they have for granted, unless they’re intentional about practicing gratitude. Thus, it’s easy to get into routines of gossip or wallowing in someone else’s achievements.

Here is the fickle thing with jealously. It’s a figment of our own imagination— irrational sometimes even. How many of us have peeked at our partner’s phones, wondering if there’s someone else?   This is just one of the examples of how jealousy can create unnecessary division and conflict. Think back to the Disney movie Sleeping Beauty. The stepmother’s rampant jealousy despite her own innate beauty leads to the estrangement from her family, and the poisoning and entrapment of her own stepdaughter. Alas, jealousy or envy is touted as a sin, because it makes humans do things that go against their basic humanity. Now you might argue that this is instinctual, and aids us in survival, ‘competition of the fittest’ as you will. But after decades of analysis of historical and political events, from a rational lens, we know that collaboration produces greater outcomes for both sides the majority of the time (Win-Win).

So how may we deal with jealousy? It may start with analyzing our inner critic. What are the thoughts that arise in your head when you feel a pang of jealousy towards someone else? In the moment, it might feel like it’s all about the other person, but deep down, it’s often a projection from our own inner critic. “She’s so pretty”, is actually “I’m not pretty enough”.

 “They’re so accomplished”, is actually “I’m not accomplished enough”.

Confidence is a funny thing. No one is born confident and I view it as a muscle you have to train, or else it atrophies. We become more confident when we consistently meet our own expectations. But before you develop expectations for yourself, you need to clearly understand what values are driving these expectations.

“I expect myself to make a lot of money.” Ok, why is that? Do you want a lot of money so you can tell people you make a lot, or do you want something else? Everyone has deep core values, but it sometimes takes digging to find out what those are. I urge people as I did in my very first post on here— to take the time to find out what those are.

So confidence is built when we consistently meet our own expectations, that come from our own value sets. Now it’s fair to say that for everyone this is different. Therefore, you can’t logically make comparisons between yourself and someone else, because you’re on different paths that are led by different values.

Now, what happens when there’s a convergence of values and similar goals? Instead of running against someone, why don’t you run with them? 

Values can be the strongest glue when it comes to relationships. If you find someone that has similar values and ambitions, allow yourself to be on their side. It’s also nice to have someone cheer you on and can consistently remind you of the path you’re on.

The way to conquer feelings of jealousy begins with identifying your own expectations for yourself, and whether these are aligned with your values. Then, create your own path and realistic timelines to meet these expectations. And finally, find someone who shares similar goals and who you can trust enough to have on your team. It seems like relatively simple steps, but again it takes time to train ourselves to think this way, instead of defaulting to negativity and spite. I find that the more strength you build in one of these steps, the easier to find your footing in the others.

Hopelessness: the emotion that debilitates

The saying “there’s a light at the end of the tunnel” is a stark contrast to the feeling of hopelessness. Hopelessness is a prolonged state of “feeling stuck”, sadness as a result of that, and ground by the belief that there is no solution to one’s problems or angst.

If you’ve ever felt this feeling, I describe it as hitting a brick wall in every possible aspect of your life. There is no way out of the tunnel and It’s a crippling state to be in.

Coming out of the state of feeling hopeless takes two steps: one, you must find solutions. Two, you must be willing to act on those solutions.

All you need is a few minutes to come up with solutions, but you have to temporarily exit the state of hopelessness. There are techniques you can use, and only you know how to make yourself feel better in the moment. For some, this may look like meditation, a long walk, or a text to a friend to grab a coffee. And on particular days, these simple actions are going to feel extremely hard. But sometimes we have to spring into action, in order to feel the effects of what we’re trying to do. Think of it like going to the gym; the first few minutes of convincing yourself to get off the couch is the hardest part. But once you’re at the gym and in the groove of things, you begin to feel better as a result of being in the state of action.

In the brief moments where you don’t feel as hopeless, these are important periods of time you should capitalize on to jot down solutions on your phone. That way, it’s a clear reminder of the potential possibilities out of the hole you’re in when you’re knee-deep in that well of hopelessness.

From one of the solutions you’ve come up with, develop a plan for it. Even if it’s a month-long plan, plot out exactly what the next steps are. That way, at least you have something to keep your mind occupied with and you’re working towards something on a daily basis.

There are moments where the hopelessness will seep back and but remember, every step forward is a win.

If you got out of bed in the morning, went for a walk, and accomplished a few tasks, that can be a huge form of progress.

Coming out of a state of hopelessness requires us to receive a new perspective on things and find and work towards solutions.

The opposite of hopelessness is hope— and that means you’re peering into the future through a telescope, and seeing something further ahead that’s currently not in your direct peripheral vision.

Conclusion

Although most times these emotions feel like nuisances, there is a chip to be earned every time you overcome one (or more) of them. In fact, after a period of time of darkness, there’s always a sense of personal transformation or at least a shift. Perhaps, because surviving something horrendous prompts new tactics and sheds more perspective on the different variations of our emotions and lived experiences.