In my recent post, I went all-in on the stress that results from not having our expectations met on our moods, motivation, and energy. In this one, I want to discuss the expectations surrounding your partners.
Let’s face it. Making a commitment to someone is a huge deal. It’s time (time commitment), money (financial work), and sometimes, yep tears (emotional labor). Although we do things for our partners because we love them, it’s normal to subconsciously or consciously develop expectations. Some expectations derive from basic needs that help make a relationship strong, supportive, and healthy. Basic things include:
- Respond to your needs (and not demands)
- Respect for your time and commitments
- Openness to dialogue and compromise
- Honesty
- Honoring their commitments to you
- Setting aside quality time for you
However, sometimes we develop the expectation that our partners will become everything to us. And I get it. When you get into a relationship, it may feel like a lot of your world revolves around that one person. You might not remember what it was like to not have someone, a partner.
However, developing the expectations that one person is going to carry the load for potentially five or more people, is unrealistic, and frankly, unfair.
Your partner is not your therapist. They’re not your life coach, personal trainer, or mother who’s going to pick the socks for you. They might not even be the friend who wants to drink wine and share gossip on a Sunday afternoon with you. If you start thinking that your partner can take over all of these roles, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment, and your partner up for exhaustion for constantly feeling like their not living up to your ‘needs’.
It’s really important to create that mental boundary for yourselves and to find things outside of the relationship that brings you joy and that you feel secure in yourself regardless of how long they take to respond to a text (sometimes, they’re just busy vacuuming, playing video games, or getting drunk with their friends).
Having a Partner is a Compliment to your Life
Let’s say life is like a steak. Oomph that sounds a little too good, but we can aspire right?
So we’re already good, juicy, and full of flavor and dimension to start— yeah I’m thinking about the nice marbling, the sizzle of the smoke coming off the hot pan (Jesus, am I hungry or something?). This steak is perfectly fine on its own, in fact, that’s why you can order just an individual steak at steakhouses.
But then you can choose to pour a rich sauce over it, just to give it that extra kick of flavor, that umami taste. YUM. So this is like adding a partner to your life, they add a few more layers of dimension, flavor, and sizzling to an already pump and fantastic steak.
Now if you have these two components, would you only choose to drink the sauce?
I don’t think so! Unless you’re real crazy about that sauce, so much that you’re just going to suddenly go vegetarian and ignore the steak.
Unfortunately, sometimes this is what happens when people get into relationships, especially for the first time. They’re absolutely enamored by their partners, and instantly want to rely on them for spiritual, emotional, physical, and psychological support.
Yeesh, at this point you might as well just ask them to put a deposit on for child support (might be easier than all of that).
The point here is, great, you’ve found someone loving and supportive who’s a great addition to your life. They extenuate your good features and make you even want to improve some of your flaws. But you shouldn’t tailor your entire identity or life around them.
Don’t neglect to make yourself a high priority, even when you’re in a relationship. Still set boundaries, take time for yourself, spend time with your friends, and family, and let them do the same with theirs.
We always desire to be respected like it’s a given. But honestly, respect starts with how you treat yourself and how you honor your priorities, When you show people how much you honor yourself, they will in turn be more likely to respect you.
Release Expectations, Release Negative Emotions
When you let go of unnecessary expectations, something magical happens.
You stop feeling disappointed.
I read recently in 7 Habits for Highly Effective People, that “frustration is a function of expectations”. And expectations usually come from social mirrors.
In movies and stories, the lover is always portrayed as someone who’s heroic and goes 110% for the people they love. We expect romance to come endowed with flowers, sweet letters, and endless sacrifice. However, in real life, people have varying love languages, as they call them. Meaning that people express their affection and love in different ways. Some love to perform acts of service, helping you out with tasks or making you food, and others communicate through verbal affirmation.
Don’t expect your partner to be a mind reader and always know what you want. If you to spend extra quality time with them, and don’t care for much else— make that clear to them. If you appreciate little gifts here and there, express that need.
Many times, we feel as if we’re burdening our partners by expressing our needs. However, we’re actually saving a lot of time and frustration on both ends. You can’t help it if you’re upset because your partner didn’t meet your expectations, but it’s unfair to them if you’ve never expressed what they were in the first place.
Learn to Accept People as They Are
If we always choose to laser focus on the negatives of people, we will always lead a life of dissatisfaction and cynicism.
We all come in individual packages, and there’s a reason why you chose to be with the person you are with today. Time and the comfort that comes with it can often lead people to forget some of the winning factors that their partner brings.
There are different ways that your partner can contribute positively to your life, and just because it’s not every single thing you could possibly want, doesn’t mean they’re the problem.
To put it into context, let’s say my partner really enjoys going to sporting events. Cool, that’s his thing but I really hate sports. Just because I won’t go with him, doesn’t mean it will impede the relationship. It just means that this is one of those things he can share cherished memories with his family or his buddies. I don’t go to those events with him, but I will share equally meaningful experiences with him that don’t involve sports.
So instead, of focusing on what your partner is lacking, perhaps make it a practice to appreciate the things they are doing. Shift your expectations to what they already excel at, and lower or dismiss them for things they clearly have a hard time meeting.
*Important: this doesn’t apply to basic needs (security, trust, understanding..etc).
Conclusion
We often put the most amount of expectations on the people we’re most intimate towards. Learning to be more aware, developing healthier expectations, and finding your ground outside of the relationship are all important to sustaining a healthy and loving relationship.
Secret Prose 
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